Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Winter

Photo by Andy Marcus

What is it when you feel you need another blog to say the things you don't feel you can say on the perfectly good blog that you have? Does that mean those things should remain unsaid, or that you should find another more appropriate forum to deal with them? Like therapy, maybe? I'm stuck. I'm feeling things I can't quite work out. I don't have the luxury of being self-destructive or escapist until I can figure them out. Mostly, I want to go somewhere and hide. It is such a tremendous effort to push myself out of bed and face the world every day. I know the obvious thought is that I am depressed. But that feels too simple. I am tired. Down to my bones. I am tired of the wheel I am on. I am tired of the body I am in. I am tired of doing the same job day after day. I am tired of working so hard and still being poor. I'm tired of feeling as if I have to hold some unknown looming disaster at bay. I want to be somewhere else, doing something else but I don't know what and I don't have the time or mind space to find out so I stay the course because I dare not jeopardize the paycheck. About the only thing I am not tired of is my family, most especially my husband and my two children. But I need a break. And not just a break where I stay in my house and commune with myself, though that has its virtues. I want to go to the other side of the world. I want to go there with my husband and also my children if they're not in school or spending summer in the woods and I want us to discover things. I want us to be able to afford to discover things. I want the love of my life to be less stressed out by his job, I want him to feel easy and carefree as he laughs with me and holds my hand as we explore the other side of the world. And I don't want to wonder any more about the new boss who will be announced one day soon who will sweep in and make over the magazine, hiring and firing as she goes. I don't want to worry if I'll fit the picture she has in her head of where we go from here. But this is ultimately pointless and leads nowhere and it's time to get back to work. Don't worry about me, beloveds. I just needed to vent.

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Snow in Bryant Park
So. I had decided not to put up this post which I wrote yesterday afternoon because, well, how do you post anything but lightness above those beautiful children and their heart-stopping dances. But it turns out this post showed up in Google reader anyway, so here it is. It was true in the moment that I wrote it, but as is the case when one releases pressurized steam, it was less true after. All the same, yesterday I thought about closing down my blog with the photos of those passionate young dancers the last thing people would see. It would have been so worthy. But I need this place. It keeps me sane. I know that sounds like an overstatement, but it is actually not. Today it is snowing again with an ice storm expected later. Tomorrow's forecast is for slushy rain. It is a relief, almost a comfort really, when the weather outside mirrors the weather within. And now, it's time to roll out and meet my day.

19 comments:

  1. *sigh* I have pretty much these exact same thoughts and feelings on a daily basis, but don't have the husband or the kids to keep me sane. The idea that these emotions were true in the moment is something that we all must hold on to -- that feelings pass and change, even the hard ones -- when we're mired down in the despair it's hard to hold on to that truth.

    I frequently wake up and imagine the sweet escape of running away with myself but my patients keep me planted firmly here. My loyalty to them keeps my sagitarian self from running away. And once I start the day, it's better.

    Don't close the blog! We need you and love you. All of the best stuff is ahead of you :-)

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  2. yes, dear angella. yo can't go anywhere. please. thank you.
    we (the all-encompassing we-ness) are walking parallel paths.
    and i wouldnt be reading the isabelle wilkerson book if you hadnt urged it in this blog; or, i would have--but not so soon. (it's gorgeous; she's a mesmerizing writer.)
    (btw, and you most likely have read this, but the last piece of nonfiction i felt this strongly about was annette-gordon reed's amazing The Hemingses of Monticello. i went about blapping about that to anyone who would listen. can't wait for her next book.)
    anyway: back to work, here--but sending out that lifeline...
    xo
    susan

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  3. Oh my, your blog is beautiful, and the pictures too and your family amazes me, right down from your 89 year old mother to your dancing, cooking daughters. I know your name isn't Angella, but that's all I have to call you by. Thank you for all this.
    D

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  4. koshercritter, it's true, the feelings pass. and it is better by far to meet the day than to give in to the impulse to stay in bed! it does get better.

    susan t., i am so glad you are enjoying isabel's book! i will definitely go and find The Hemingses of Monticello. I've heard good things about that book but never quite got around to picking it up. thanks for pausing to send out that lifeline! I'm holding firm!

    D, thanks for the kind words about the blog. Actually Angella is my real name, just not the name that people call me at work. It's my middle name. So glad you came by. I loved your take on winter this morning.

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  5. I could have written, literally, your entire first paragraph. And I thank you for writing it down. Perhaps I'll cut and paste and post on my own blog. I'll add a third child to the mix and call it my own with an attribution to you, of course.

    Perhaps this will pass. I hope so.

    Love and peace to you. Oh, and solidarity.

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  6. Dear Angella - as Susan says, 'We (the all-encompassing we-ness) are walking parallel paths." You wrote here what I could not write for myself yesterday (and again this morning). It can feel burdensome and lonesome, but we are not alone. I tell myself to 'stand in the heart. Stand in the heart' - over and over again I say it these days. Like a mantra.

    Perhaps it will help to light a grove of candles for yourself, allowing the flames to highlight your wishes and soften your fears? I will be doing that here this morning and will light one with you in mind, too. Take care. x

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  7. ah sweet angella.... sending light your way and hopes that a NEEDED and WANTED trip with your family is in the not too distant future.

    travel helps recharge batteries, stills burn-out, and refresh the spirit.

    i just love the bryant park pic btw!

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  8. Me too, me too, me too.

    Maybe we are all just going through a phase, but today I caught myself envying the people who will be snowed in and unable to leave their houses (not really, but you know). It would feel like an adventure to me, since that doesn't happen here. So very much stress at work lately, for me and my husband, and I am far too paranoid to write about it.

    A break. It sounds so lovely.

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  9. Angella,
    I am reaching in, to give you a great big hug.
    I hope you can feel it.
    Sending love, my dear, dear friend.

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  10. Elizabeth, that paragraph is yours, no attribution needed! Yours in solidarity, friend, and hoping that this too will pass.

    Claire, a grove of candles! Just the visual of that is cheering. Thank you for taking the time to write here, and today I too may find myself whispering that lovely mantra, "Stand in the heart."

    mouse, thank you dear friend. i don't know about a trip but yes, that Bryant Park photo speaks volumes about the nature of this New York winter. And today the city is, as the newscast put it, "glazed in ice."

    ellen, i wish i were snowed in! what an appealing thought. But New York presses on regardless. Workplaces are never closed so I am heading out now into the ice and snow to do my part! Thank you for being here, dear ellen.

    Gabriele, i can feel it. thank you, thank you. i send my love, too.

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  11. Oh, Angella!
    I just checked your blog to see if you'd posted something and it took a long time - leaving me with a white page...
    It seriously made my heart feel funny for a split second, thinking you had taken your blog down!!
    I had no idea it would affect me that way!
    If you ever decide to do that, and I hope you DON'T! would you please make sure we have your email address?! Please!
    I can't imagine losing touch with you!
    Sending you love, my friend,
    gabriele

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  12. Dear Gabriele, i don't plan on taking down this blog as it is an outlet for me, and even more than that, it is a place of community, where I get to meet up with dear, dear friends like you. I send you love, too, sweet woman, and I am so very glad to know you. And I don't plan on our losing touch either, so I am glad the feeling is mutual! A great big hug to you.

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  13. I kept trying to think up something wonderful and wise ,
    something to offer,
    and sometimes I think I am better at just offering me.
    Here, listening, hoping that helps,
    together in the good , bad, ugly,
    as well as the profoundly beautiful, joyous and exciting.
    Does that make sense. I feel I am woven into your journey in a sense,
    and sometimes don't feel I need to add anything to your expression,
    other than my presence. Always. Unconditional.

    love to you.

    deb

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  14. Deb, it does make sense. I know exactly what you mean. Your presence means the world to me. Please know I am there too, always reading over at your place, loving unconditional. Thank you for being in my life. God bless.

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  15. Dear friend,

    I understand your need to run away with your beloveds and explore places unknown. I understand how it feels to be married to a man who takes his responsibilities very, very seriously and in doing so, must push down some of the joy, some of the need to explore. I understand wanting to write things that do not seem to fit. Things that feel out of place or even distracting from what is good. I understand the feeling of wanting to "opt out". Of wanting to shut down and run away. I understand. I also understand the need for a sacred place.

    Stay.

    Love to my sweet friend,
    Debbie

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  16. What an awfully shocking thing to read words that mirror my own most frustrating thoughts, things that keep me from writing myself...but you absolutely have to keep writing here! (Please?)

    I love reading about your experiences and your family and the sheer love and humanity that spills out from your world and infuses this little corner of the internet - it helps keep me sane too.

    Sacha

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  17. Debra W, deeply and sincerely, thank you.

    Sacha, i think there must be something shared in the sensibility of those of us who write as a way to make sense of things, to hold on. In those times when I dare to write from that dark place, people like you come in and shine a bright light of community and understanding and acceptance and love. it means everything.

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  18. Yes, I feel the same way you do way too often. Skimming through the comments, I see how many of us do. We, as women, take on so much and do so much and I always put pressure on myself to do things well, expecting perfection.

    Thank you, as always for sharing these thoughts and reminding me I'm not alone.

    I am here.....always. Sending you a big hug.

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  19. Susan, thank you for being here in this place, and for the hug. love to you, dear friend.

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