Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Shifting

Once, shortly after I was married, I was standing in a movie line with my husband and as I stood there, I could feel the ebb and flow and sway of emotions moving through me, just having their way with me. I could feel my mood darken, shadows deepening and threatening to swallow me when moments before, I had been standing in daylight. I looked around at all the patrons in line, and I wondered if everyone felt as I did, the ground shifting, shifting, always. I looked up at my new husband, handsome and solid beside me, and I asked him, "Do you ever feel your mood changing moment to moment? Do you know what that feels like?" I remember he looked down at me from his six-foot-two height, his eyes full of sympathy and uncomprehension. "No," he said. "I really don't know what that's like. I'm sorry." And that was the moment, well into my adult life, that I understood that not everyone feels this treachery of emotion, this sense of having one's footing always unsure, the ground always in danger of falling away. This is how I am feeling today.

It has been a sweet interlude, these two unsupervised weeks with my husband. I found myself excited to go home and see him at the end of each day, the feeling almost like when we were just married. It was a reminder that soon our children will be grown and setting up their own households, and it will be him and me, just us two, and we have to take care of each other, love each other through whatever comes. This quiet recognition made me feel so tender toward him, and grateful, too, to have him in my life, this man with whom I can be in whatever state the moment finds me, under the sway of whatever emotion reaches up and claims me. In his company, I can be me, afraid sometimes, sad sometimes, silly sometimes, full of tears for no reason sometimes. And he is there, handsome and stalwart at my side, the ground unmoving beneath his feet.

10 comments:

  1. I know exactly what you mean. We are the luckiest of the lucky.

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  2. As with all things, it is how you choose to deal with what life hands you that makes a difference. It seems like you are handling the shifting ground quite well. So well in fact that is deepens your love. Plus you have the added component of reflection which always seems to deepen our appreciation of the good things. It always comes down to love.

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  3. Beautiful -- you are so blessed.

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  4. Dear Angella
    Such honesty and tenderness here. I have no doubt you and your husband are a very great gift to each other.

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  5. It is so nice to know someone who knows. Another woman who "gets it". Another woman who has it.

    Love to you, dear Angella.
    Debbie

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  6. If there is a thing more beautiful, more necessary, than the love of two grown people for each other, through everything life brings, I cannot imagine what it could be.

    You are the richest of the living folk for it.


    And you both deserve it.



    love-

    tearful

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  7. Ms. Moon, that we are, pretty lady. Loved your film short!

    Gary, thank you, most of all for stopping by sometimes. it is always good to see you.

    Elizabeth. I am blessed. You are too, which I know you know. Love to you.

    Claire, sometimes the magic works, and then we kick up our heels at our good fortune. I don't like to tempt fate with scant appreciation! I am glad for him, it's true. nice to see you.

    Debra W, you get it. You are so loved.

    tearful, i don't know if we deserve it but we are rich for it, yes. my kids used to say with exasperation and eye-rolling when they were younger, "i know, i know, we are kind of poor but we're rich in love." You just reminded me, and made me laugh.

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  8. "Treachery of emotion" -- you nailed it. The unreliable self. Fortunate to be so surrounded by love!

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  9. This really spoke to me. I know what that feels like.


    Thanks, Angella.

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  10. T., love definitely helps keep things from veering too far over the edge. it helps pull one back from free fall, that's for sure.

    ellen, dear friend, you're a Pisces. You probably can't help it, lol. Love to you.

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