Friday, September 9, 2011

Too Much

It's all so hard. How cruel to no longer be able to help yourself. And yet, the Buddhists would say they are serving their purpose on this earth still, giving me an opportunity to do for them as they have done for me. When I am alone in a room, tears wash down my face. When they call because they need something, a hand in the bath, tea or warm milk to take their tablets with, help lifting their feet, company, I dry my face quickly and I go. I am late to work every morning, because I cannot leave them, I cannot leave home until they are dressed and breakfasted, because they might fall trying to get these things done for themselves, and I wonder can people lose their jobs because of the seeming irresponsibility of tardiness when in fact they are trying to discharge an even greater responsibility elsewhere. I have this feeling that layoffs are in the offing again at my job. I always think that this time, my name will be on the list, even though work is the one place these days where I have time to sit, to hear myself think, to be. The task of editing stories feels like a meditation compared to the rest of it.  It's all so much. Too much. I feel so guilty saying that. And of course, I will do what I can. I will love them. Because that is what is being asked. Love in action. That is all.

13 comments:

  1. Sometimes it just IS too much. You need some help. Is there any way to get some? And you have to quit beating yourself up for feeling however you feel. My husband's father used to say, "I have done all I'm big enough to do," and he was a very, very big man with the hugest heart in the world.
    Please. Yes, you love. But sometimes it is just all TOO MUCH.

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  2. angella, your nom de plume is the whole story. you are an angel. a job is a job; it's not about living. do what you need to do, and let the rose petals fall where they may. the Buddha is on your side.
    xo
    susan

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  3. I wish for you whatever will bring you strength and shore you up for what you must do each day.

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  4. yes indeed..love is action and talk is cheap and easy. It is the ones that walk the walk when things get hard that I admire....you are one of those.

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  5. It is too much. And yet you try. There is not enough of you to go around. I wish you some rest and hope the tears are the cleansing kind.

    You are love personified.

    I wish you the strength you need and hope the layoffs don't find you.

    xo

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  6. Dear Angella...
    I'm thinking of you and holding a good thought.
    A few actually.
    You are love in action.
    XXOO
    yo

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  7. What a heartfelt post. Loved it. Being so far from home myself I do wonder who will take on those responsibilities in my absence.

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  8. i pray you have a kind workplace that doesn't only think bottom line and that you will talk with a trusted supervisor-type person and explain why some days you arrive a bit later than is your norm. better to be proactive and communicate than let the birds of worry take up residence in one's mind.

    best to you.....namaste!

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  9. It seems to me that when we bring our hearts to the table in Love and compassion, the very (f)act of being present is in and of itself, enough, dear Angella? As Susan says, your name is no coincidence and carries your heart's intention. Sending you a fortifying thoughts - and peaceful ones. xo

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  10. I hear you. Care giving is all-consuming and sometimes it's near impossible to have a job outside of it. I wish you help in any way -- with the care-giving, with understanding from your job

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  11. You are a special woman..life isn't always easy.
    Make time for joy.
    I so understand, it's hard watching those we love grow old.
    Miss you

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  12. Love is action I know, but you don't have super powers. Please, I don't know how, but you have to take care of yourself, and that includes your home, your job, and you! And get help (from your friends, family...)
    You are quite extraordinary but all this generosity should not come at such a high cost.

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  13. Thank you, all of you. I'm humbled and grateful. all the aunts were here only for a week. when they were gone, i was happy to have been able to do for them. life is so funny that way, so imperfect and just right.

    i appreciate your words here more than you know.

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