Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Wednesday Thaw

You're right, of course. Hunky and Dory do not coexist anywhere in unbroken harmony, but I appreciate the supportive comments all the same. I feel dishonest sometimes on this blog, as if I'm not giving the full measure of my life. It's not that I don't write about the hard stuff. It tends to force its way out as I try to make sense of what happens. But the really poisonous flares that pass through on occasion, I don't process those here, not anymore, because I don't want to breathe energy into them, I don't want them to take on a more permanent truth, preening on a stage larger than they deserve. Mostly, I'm just hoping they burn themselves out, or slip away in the night, and mostly they do. But often, before that can happen, there are slammed shut doors and punishing silences. And then the thaw: tears and recriminations and if we're lucky, apologies and fierce forgiving embraces, and rueful laughs at the raw absurdity of us and our so easily bruised feelings. This was how it went last night with my daughter and me. This morning feels sweet and new, with soft smiles holding what feels like a renewed understanding between us. Everything is happening all at once. We are seeking balance on changing ground and we have let it unfold and somehow keep our footing and be tender with one another as it happens. And so we shall.



17 comments:

  1. Sister Lister -- please know that we don't feel that you are being dishonest. It's okay to hold pieces to yourself. I know I do. That post on Tuesday resonated with me as I often feel that way as well -- especially when someone refers to aspects of my life as perfect. It is good. But it is not perfect.

    There is something called "appreciative inquiry" in narrative writing. It's where you write about what is good to magnify it and draw in more good. What you love and appreciate the most, you know? I like to think of my blog as mostly an appreciative inquiry. I see yours the same way. Some people like to process "critical incidents" more than doing "appreciative inquiry" and that's okay. Occasionally I will touch on a critical incident but mostly I like to celebrate the blessings great and small.

    And so we shall.

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    1. Dearest Kimberly, you have nailed it exactly. Yes yes yes! "You write about what is good to magnify it and draw in more good." Thank you for framing it so perfectly and for knowing that sometimes the hard things are also the good things. I am so grateful you are here.

      Love.

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  2. I know the feeling well. Your blog is not dishonest in the least - there are things we decide to share and things we don't. But what you write here is never dishonest.
    I think when I started writing the "darker" things on my blog is freaked a lot of people out - especially the ones who know me well. That side was something I never shared. with anyone. But it's a part of me all the same. I struggle a lot with what to keep up and what to take down. To have a good balance of light and dark. It's different than writing in a journal because it's public, but then you don't want it to be different. Strange world, blogland.
    I think whatever you feel like doing, whatever you feel like sharing is perfect as long as it feels good for you. And I'll love it either way.
    xo

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    1. Rachel, when i kept a journal, i would write all about the dark stuff, never the stuff to be celebrated, so that if someone read my journal they would think i was the most self-loathing depressed soul on earth. the blog is different, though i didn't know at the outset that it would be. Here, we try to be our whole selves, but sometimes, it feels too revealing and we take a post down. I started to take last night's post down, but decided to do the update instead. Strange world indeed. But I think you are absolutely right. The guide is what feels okay to us. Thank you, thank you for coming around here. You bring so much heart. xo

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  3. Such a delicate thing- mother-daughter love. Both have to hold each other lightly when all we want to do is grasp so tightly.
    Bless you both.

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    1. Ms. Moon, i know you know this dance, as the mother of daughters yourself. we touch their faces tenderly and let them go. and even if we are lacking the god gene, we pray. or wish hard for them, whatever we call it. no doubt we wish we could cushion all their landings. but of course. we cant. we have to let them learn. thank you for sharing so kindly what I have yet to learn. hugs.

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  4. May balance and haromony find you more often than not. I find myself on shifting ground most days, reminding myself that happiness is a choice, not something that happens to you, that kindness takes work, that love is never easy.

    I rarely tell the whole truth, nothing but the truth on my blog either, because it makes no sense to wallow in the things that hurt, I'd rather share the things that soothe or distract me most days. But it's a comfort to know that we are all human, we all have feelings, we all screw up sometimes, we all are overwhelmed. This life is hard, it really is. But it's beautiful too.

    I'd hug you right now if I could. I know the ache deep in my heart when the relationship I imagined I'd have with my children collides with the day to day clashes and missteps we endure. I ask myself daily, how did this happen, or what the hell just happened? I just keep trying to get it right, that's all I can do, and maybe try to forgive myself for being human too, just like them. And I hug them when they let me.


    xxoo

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    1. Mel, i really do feel we are in the same place at this moment, and i love so much what you said, that all we can do is keep trying to get it right, keep starting again. we are human, they are human, and i try to remember what i was feeling when i was their age. i wasn't really focused on what my parents were going through AT ALL.. it don't think it's selfishness. i think it's just the cycle of life. our kids laser focus on their own lives is really essential to them right now, as they try to figure out how they want to construct their futures. it's not always easy to tap into this knowledge in the moment though. sometimes we just want them to do what we want them to do. and they have other ideas. let's hold hands. we will make it through this, laughing. loving. xo

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    2. Angela, I think about that a lot too, what a selfish ass I was to my parents. I didn't realize. But I guess that is the way of the world, they have to break free, and we have to let them and it's painful for both of us. It's laughter I miss most of all when things are strained. I wish us all more laughs and love. Stay strong. Your only crime is loving too much. xo

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  5. Beautifully put. Letting it unfold and keeping our balance. That's key and you do it with such and grace and honesty. I am humbled and inspired by you Miss Angella.
    Love,
    yo

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    1. Dear Yo, thank you, but it is you who inspires me. You are the definition of grace. Love.

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  6. I wish Hunky and Dory would pay a visit to me this morning. They've been stingy in their visits, and while I know I need to pay a visit to them myself -- well -- I'm hoping they'll give me a break. I'm glad you got one.

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    1. Elizabeth, Hunky and Dory can be stingy bastards but then sometimes, they get socialized. I hope today is one of those days for you. I don't see how they can stay away from you, what with you wit and humor and oh my, those cakes. Heck, if Hunky and Dory don't show up today, you just might find me on your doorstep. Love to you, you fabulous thinking woman.

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  7. Does any writer tell the whole truth? I think we mostly see truth in snippets, and it tends to morph and change with our moods and emotions. I sometimes wonder whether I should be more honest, i.e. more revealing, in my blog -- but my truth now isn't the same as my truth tomorrow, or two days from now. I guess I try to stick to subjects that are less variable. Besides, we all have to balance our openness with the need for privacy, and respect for the privacy of those around us. Balance is the answer to everything! (Even if it is sometimes elusive!)

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    1. Steve, it's true isn't it. All truth is subjective and dependent on where we stand. I so know what you mean about things being true in the moment, but not being true an hour later. Sometimes the act of writing them down makes them instantly less true, and now this thing that is no longer true about you is living out there on the blog, in the world. So yes, I guess it makes absolute sense to hold back sometimes. Or as I sometimes do, put up the post and then take it down. xo

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