Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Nuts and Bolts

Today I walked into my office with a sheaf of stamped envelopes in my hand. While sipping coffee this morning, I had diligently filled out insurance forms for my aunt and for my husband, financial forms and health forms from my daughter's college, a verification form from my son's college and paid a bill for my mother. As I fed the letters into the outgoing mail slot, I realized not a single one of them had my name on it. I channel all these people.

Right now, I am anxious about my husband. He needs to make a doctor's appointment and he is resisting for some reason I no longer understand, since now I am all compliant and dutifully getting everything checked out myself. But yes, until very recently I wore that same cloak of denial, resisting hearing possible bad news, and then having to do something about it. So I understand. But I can't just let it go. I love my husband. I want to share everything that is to come with him. I want to play with our grandchildren and take trips with him and just putter around the house with him. So he needs to take care of himself.

Last weekend, at my uncle's funeral in New Jersey, my husband and my daughter had to leave the repast early to go to the airport to meet a friend from London who was arriving that afternoon. I stayed on so I could spend more time with my family, many of whom had traveled overseas to be there. There was laughter and the sharing of stories about family members here and gone, and I felt that sense of comfort and belonging I always feel in their midst. And yet, at a certain point as night began to fall, I just missed my husband. A part of me just wanted to be around him, almost like an instinctive yearning, to see him moving around the house, so capable and rooted. My play partner.

I want to say to him: You are not alone in this dance. You have responsibilities by virtue of the fact that you are loved—by me, by your children. You are so loved.


14 comments:

  1. This is a subject I am so familiar with both for myself and my husband. It's one of the things I do not handle well at all. Once again, good to know I am not alone.

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  2. My fiancé refuses to go to the doctor. We have had some heated arguments about it. Rather, I get really pissed off and he just sits there. ARGH!

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  3. I hear you. My husband needs to hear you, too. His annual checkup was due in January. It is June. Why do they wait?

    Hope the appointment for both our rocks is scheduled soon.
    xo

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  4. With a mild apology to the Mr., I have one word: MEN.

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  5. I do not like to admit that this was a part of what I went through with my own family a couple of months ago. They fear losing me because of health issues and I did not realize how concerned they were. I suppose some of this has to do with my brother's early death, but still, we are very different people and I acknowledge my chronic illness. Tell him, but be very gentle about it. I was put through undue stress by my families proactivity when it could have been handled in a much more compassionate way.

    Holding your hand from afar...

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  6. I know he will do the right thing. It's a pride thing, a fear thing, an old school kind of buck up thing. Hugs and love.

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  7. every time i see pictures of your family, i'm always like, "my, how beautiful." he is very loved.

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  8. Just love him through. He will get ready with love as a motivator. Didn't Sade say love is stronger than pride?

    P.S. tell him he might not have to get a prostate exam--the US preventive services ask force says it's not helpful. This could help. . . .

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  9. Men will, of course, avoid doctors at all times. It's just the way we are; we don't like to make a fuss!

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  10. I don't like the doctor either but I love how your brief separation causes you to ache for him. That is lovely and innocent and true.

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  11. I think you've hit it: I think some men are afraid to visit the doctor because they're frightened of hearing something that will cement the fact that they're mortal. It's just hard to express that feeling and that vulnerability. They love their families so much, and don't want to leave them, so they're afraid. My husband is the same way.
    Thinking of your whole gorgeous family. xo

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  12. One of my favorite bits of Dan Savage wisdom is about how married people typically live longer than single people. Dan says it's not because of love, or companionship, or friendship, or emotional support. He thinks it's because married people nag the crap out of each other when something needs to be taken care of.

    Your husband is lucky to have you, in so many ways :)

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  13. Thank you everyone for your supportive comments and wisdom...

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