I've felt light and buoyant all week, but this morning when I opened my eyes, I was aware of worrying about something, or many little things, and the air was heavier than it had been all week. Maybe I am just processing the fact that my lovely girl with her happy spirit returns to college in just two days, she has already begun to pack, and I'm going to miss her. She got offered, not one, but two summer internships this week, both of them paid, and she will have to decide which one she plans to take. This is a good problem to have! The truth is, if that girl walked into my office, all that light spilling off her, I would hire her on the spot. They're getting a good one, whoever she decides to go with.
My son also picked up another job at a sports club, and he starts on Sunday. He gets downcast sometimes at how tight money is, but he just needs to hang tough; his EMT course is almost finished and he'll be able to get a job in that once he's certified. That along with his job as a track and field coach, and now his lifeguarding job, should have him in better financial shape soon. This boy hates to be without his own money.
Maybe that is what I am worrying about. Money. Everything related to having enough of it to meet our needs. I also have a long to-do list, most of which I punched through very efficiently this week, but now I have to find the doctor and have her call in a new prescription for physical therapy, and I have to send in Aunt Winnie's monthly bills to her disability trust, and my daughter and I have eye exams this afternoon, both of us needing new contacts and glasses, and it just feels as if the horizon is closing in. As if freedom, financial and otherwise, is a cheap tease.
I just feel blah, and I look it, too. While I was in Jamaica my skin glowed fresh in the tropical humidity. People even said to me, look at you, you have no lines on your face, but now that I am back in winter, the mirror shows me the lie of that. Aging is so cruel, my cousin Maureen said as she leafed through the program with youthful photos of my uncle at his memorial service last week (was it only last week?). My weight loss efforts have also stalled; it feels like a slog again, whereas I had been sort of sailing along for a while. I did have a sore spot on my gums that I feared was an abscess, but now that has healed and disappeared so no dentist needed, although I do have fond memories of the drugs they give you when they have to do work in your mouth. But they also give you a whopping bill behind that, so no thank you.
I am wondering this morning what it must feel like to be independently wealthy, to not ever have to worry about money at all. Then again, I probably need to call back the consciousness that compared to many, I am wealthy. It is all heartbreakingly relative.
That photo up there, it cheers me up. I happened across it while looking for a photo to run with this post. My girl was 8 in that picture. She still makes such faces. Her cousin calls it her superpower.