Thursday, June 12, 2014

House Tour

It's been rainy and gray out all week, and I've had no appointments to call me out of the house, which has been heaven, until today. Today I am starting to feel restless, detecting a touch of cabin fever, swirling thoughts. My children are both away, and it's just my husband and me. The evenings have been unstructured and easy but now I need a change of pace and I doubt my love will want to do anything other than stay in. I get it. He's at work all day, and sometimes has meetings after, so when he gets home, he just wants to roll up the sidewalk behind him.

It's been a good week overall. I have work into the foreseeable future, with contracts that will take me through next February. I could always use more work, of course, assignments in and among the longer term projects, but for now, things are rolling along in a reassuring way and I am building all sorts of new muscles work wise. The key is keeping track of everything and staying on top of what's due when and what it will take to meet that. I like working this way.

But today, my chemistry is a little awry. I have a slight cold and a sense of constriction and unease in my chest, which is how my anxiety shows itself. It's been asleep in me for weeks, but now it seems to be stirring again, and I am trying to stay very conscious, to understand that it is only my thoughts that are creating this unsettled feeling, perhaps fueled by my internal chemistry, and maybe the need for blue sky. Nothing outside of me has changed very much. All that has changed are my thoughts about everything, especially my mother and how fragile she is, and how easy our phone calls used to be and how hard they are now.

I miss my kids of course, the nonstop commotion, their friends coming in and out, my son's bursts of hyperactivity and goofiness, my daughter's quick laugh and keen sense of the absurd, the life they bring to our house. The tidiness of everything is kind of nice. There is no sign of the chaos that reigns when they are in residence.

Exhibit A, my daughter's room last week.


And here is the same view of her room this week.


And this is my son's room at the moment. I would never ever take a photo of what it looks like when he is here. Picture clothes carpeting almost every surface and you get the general idea.



And the hallway. Notice the lack of shoes and bags tumbled against the bookshelves.


The living room, with no socks strewn about, no hoodies and accoutrements of the outdoors tossed on the couches and dining tables.


No boy, fast asleep in front of the television.


The kitchen counters unnaturally clear of dishes and debris.


Yep, it's neat and quiet in here. But who am I kidding. I miss the noise and the chaos. I might even miss the mess.

There's a plan forming to meet up with a friend tonight for dinner. I think we will drink wine. 


18 comments:

  1. Well, I think that is a very good plan. The dinner-with-wine one.
    My husband just took off for the weekend and I have made the bed and swept the floor and quite frankly, I am glorying in the fact that all is tidy. The boys will be here tomorrow and all will be chaos but for right now and for tonight- peace. And I know he'll be coming home and I know he's doing something he loves and so I am happy.
    Enjoy tonight! And your own peace.

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    1. Thanks, Ms. Moon. Having the house as your sanctuary, especially when you know the glorious chaos of your beloved grandsons will be arriving soon, is the best. Enjoy tonight yourself. Enjoy tomorrow too. Different as they are. xo

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  2. I love your house! We have the same style, and I feel like I would be immediately at home in there. It's a good cocoon.

    Have a glass for us :)

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    1. SJ, thank you, friend. It is a good cocoon, but one can't stay inside the cocoon too long. I'm trying to push out of it tonight, so perhaps I can go back to enjoying it. xo

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  3. Your house looks so peaceful and comfortable! And I just read a few previous posts and wanted to say how wonderful I think your daughter's concerns and ambitions are --- I'm so impressed with her character and kindness. She's as gorgeous inside as out.

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    1. A, so nice to see you here. How are you? And yes, my girl is a kind one, and loves to laugh. She and the residents where she's working seem to have hit it off famously!

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  4. My anxiety manifests as tremors in my chest and stomach. I wish I could give you advice for that unsettled feeling, but perhaps the best you can do anyway is just to be nice to yourself and drink with a friend. My house is a terror with my children home all day and it drives me batty. I'm sure I'll miss it, too. I'm glad to hear you have work lined up through February. You're doing so beautifully, forming this new life.

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    1. Vesuvius, you will miss it, for sure. I wonder sometimes why I am always fighting the chaos. What would happen if it just let it be? Then again, I shuddered when I saw what I just wrote. Can you imagine? Your children are beautiful and doing exactly what they should be doing. I think overly neat children might be a little worrisome.

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  5. Dinner with wine sounds like a good plan. :)

    I don't pretend to liken having dogs to having children -- but my only comparable experience came after Ernie and Ruby left us, and the house was so neat and quiet compared to what it was like when they were there. On one hand, it was wonderful. But on the other, it seemed sad and unnatural. So I get it!

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    1. Steve, I know what you mean. I walked through the house and enjoyed all the neat rooms but weaving through it was also a melancholy. Well, now you have Olga! I have never met a dog with more personality than she has!

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  6. Enjoy the peace and quiet in your lovely home. That anxiety monster may just walk away from it all. I very much hope it will.
    Just one question: Who tidied up your kid's rooms? (In our case it was always me - after she had gone.)

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    1. Sabine, who tidied the rooms? My daughter tidied hers before she left, but I spruced a bit more after she left, and my son, well, that was all me, and only possible because he is going to be gone for a two weeks. When he is home, I just close his door. As for the anxiety monster, I think you're right. Sometimes we need to just welcome it in, and give it permission to move on. xo

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  7. i love seeing pictures of your apartment. it makes me wistful...here i have a real house these days, but i loved apartment living, city living. both the walking out the door into that throng of life, and the returning home, to my sanctuary. i hope you can find a way to balance that in vs. out part of working at home. it's very hard...even here, when i could take a quick jaunt on a quiet street every day for a break, i dont do it. i plug into work mode or computer zombieland, and i sit. after a few days of that i am grumpy and down in the dumps. and i know one 45-minute walk washes it all way--crazy, right? we should make a pledge to each other: "did you get your walk in today?" xo

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    1. Susan, you so clearly understand! I think we get so pulled into the world in our heads that we forget to live in the world inhabited by our bodies! Was so great talking to you the other day! xo

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  8. I love your home, it is so cozy and welcoming. I too get the strange tightness with anxiety, and I have to remember to breathe, deeply to calm myself. I go outside when it gets really bad and find walks or puttering around with my plants helps calm me and get me outside of my head.
    My kids both around full time for the summer has caused havoc and chaos to become the norm in a matter of days. It is stupefying, how sloppy they can be and how hard it is to keep after them to do simple, respectful things in common areas. I'm sure I made a wrong turn somewhere, parenting wise, but I had no clue how to wrangle brilliant, willful, attention impaired spectrum children. At least that's my spin on this story. I don't even try to get them to clean their bedrooms, and I imagine you would laugh long and hard if I sent you a picture of my son's bedroom floor. :)
    And yet, as annoyed as I get with the shoes and dishes and clutter they bring to the party, I know that a tidy and orderly home would be a lonely one for me. Will be. Soon. Melancholy, for certain.
    xo

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    1. Mel, I think your story is a good story and I'm sticking to it, too! I am sure your sons bedroom floor would be hugely reassuring to me as my son's would be to you (when he is in residence) and we might comfort each other with the idea that all parents have this trouble wrangling (love that word) and you know what, at the stage our kids are, maybe most of them do.That's another story I'm sticking to! Love to you, friend. Enjoy your babies and their chaos. The house will be neat again all too soon.

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  9. Beautiful light, beautiful peace and absence of chaos. I say soak it up while it lasts, the flotsam and jetsam will roll back in like it always does. Enjoy your evening. xxoo

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    1. Thank you, darling Yolie. You are right, of course. xo

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