Tuesday, July 14, 2015

Fragile

I'm sad. I'm not sure what is going on. I went to the orthopedist last week and got a look inside my body and I've been feeling fragile and depressed ever since. What did it trigger in my emotional body, I wonder? Summer is always a hard time, I think. I'm so very lonely, even surrounded by people, tears pooling right behind my eyes. I am so weary of myself, so very weary and I need to get past this because I plan to be around see my children's children not just born, but grown up, and that's all there is to it. Sometimes, though, I feel I could easily lie down and never get back up, and writing that made the waterworks spill over, because it's the truth we're not supposed to admit, much less set down in cold hard type, that we're so tired, and so weary of ourselves that we can't quite see how to go on. Except I will go on. Don't worry about that. I'm just having a moment. A month.

22 comments:

  1. Hugs and prayers my friend. The best part of parenthood is grandchildren. You have a lot of joy to come.

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  2. I know exactly what you mean. Oh my god! I've been going through the same. Just lie down and let it be over because I am so tired of dealing with myself and all of it. There should be no shame in admitting that. Sometimes we are overwhelmed and we have worked so hard and life takes its inevitable toll and of course we know all of the good in our lives and the things we have to look forward to but in balance- at times- none of that feels quite enough.
    I love you.

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  3. Right there with you. Knowing that I will go on as long as I'm allowed to, but feeling like I also could just not wake up. And it too will pass.

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  4. I find that people taking care of me medically makes me crack along my fault lines. Maybe that happened to you at the doctor's. I'm always crying on my osteopath's table.
    I'm sending you some love from across the ocean.

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  5. It may be SAD in reverse. Too much sun. Too much everything. I myself would love a hole to crawl into right at the moment. Hang on dear Rosemary!

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  6. I get this. You are not alone. I wish I had words to make it better but I am having a time myself.
    Well, there is this.

    If I had words to make a day for you, I sing you a morning golden and new
    I would make this day last for all time
    Give you a night deep in moonshine

    But I don't have words. Just sitting and holding your hand. Knowing and understanding.

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  7. are you carving out enough empty time, to stroll, to open yourself to the wonder of the NYC streets? for me that kind of loneliness sets in when i forget to pay attention to the world outside. at the library bookstore, where i sort donations once a week, i unearthed a book on St John the Divine Cathedral, and I immediately thought of you. it's a lovely place to walk and sit...i got there half an hour early the day i met you, and wished i lived so close...

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  8. oops. i hope my comment didnt come across as giving advice. i am sorry if it did; i know acceptance of where you are is more important...xoxox

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  9. I feel like we are all a bit out of whack, in blog land, even among our beautiful blessings. I know I am. I am working and playing the role but I am having The Sads as well. I know exactly why for mine, though, and I am taking a different approach with myself...or at least trying to. Letting myself feel and actively release toxic things and people...I know I am being vague, cryptic and non-sensical but just a note to say I understand. I really do.

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  10. I hear you and am sending you love. BTW, the photo of your son and his Shadow tattoo was magnificent. I did not see it until now.

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  11. I'm sorry to hear this, and I send you so much love and strength. I have just had these three glorious weeks of solitude and writing and natural beauty, and I'm now contemplating re-entry. I had thought I could do so with equanimity, but I'm not so sure. I hope you have an opportunity to replenish yourself in some way --

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  12. I don't know you but I do know that feeling. I'm thankful that it passes, although it does seem like it will at the time. Take care woman.

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  13. You know I share your lonliness and sadness, even though we are many miles apart. Summer is hard and lonely, even with people around like you said. You will get through this, and tomorrw will be better. Take care my friend. Hugs, Drita

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  14. Yes, you will go on because I have faith in you. Whenever you feel like this, just look in the mirror and say "I am my best self." Sending virtual hugs your way...

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  15. I'm so sorry to hear this. I'm sending my love and holding a candle for you.

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  16. Last night I banged my head, just a short blow to my left temple in an unfamiliar room, nothing serious. But for whatever reason I started to cry and could't find a way to stop for a long while. In the end, I whispered to myself over and over, be patient, be patient, be patient.

    I know you will feel better soon. I am thinking of you. Take care.

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  17. Came to check how you are doing. I hope you're on the mend.

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  18. Wah. I'm so sorry. It's hard to be in touch with our tenderest humanity without struggling in this way. I think there are people who never feel this, but maybe they're missing out on some other stuff?

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  19. I left my comment on the subsequent entry before I read this one. I'm sorry you're having a month, one of THOSE months, at least intermittently. I know it doesn't help, necessarily, but I'll remind you that you are a TERRIFIC writer and editor with powerful empathy and verbal skills, and it doesn't surprise me in the least that the well of all that empathy also holds some fragility and pain. I'm sure that's part of what makes you the fine writer you are. I hope that makes sense.

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  20. I think what Steve wrote is true. Your gifts come with all the "feels" but you will get through.

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  21. Oh my word. Thank you for writing this honest post.
    I feel you.
    Yes, to almost everything you said.
    This has been the hardest month for me, and to even admit it or talk about it starts the tears.
    I am so tired of myself.
    I hope this passes, this sense of fragility or whatever it is. Because it sucks.
    I wish you happy thoughts, and lots of love and minimal tears.
    And clearly, you are not alone, in any sense of the word.

    xo

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  22. I feel like lying down too. Must be the mental paws. Boo

    xoxoxo

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