Monday, August 31, 2015

Breakfast of champions (not)

I clearly chose a weight challenge for myself in this life, I have no idea why or what lessons I hoped for my soul to internalize, but every day in this body I have to be conscious of every morsel I put into my mouth, because I have only to look at food, really any kind of food with the exception of vegetables, which I don't love, and the pounds fly on as if magnetized.

Some days I don't feel like being conscious. Some days I want to start the morning with blue mountain coffee with condensed milk in it, the way we made it in Jamaica when I was growing up, and if there are no eggs left for me to make a one egg omelet with onions and one ounce of cheddar for an all-protein breakfast (for the initiated, 5 points), well, I just might have that little circle of marscapone cheesecake, sprinkled with blueberries and raspberries and garnished with bright red slices of strawberry (11 points plus 4 for the condensed milk for a total of 15). But it's not just the points; it's the sugar, which sets me up for a day of craving things that don't mean me well. So now I'm sipping the creamy coffee as I type this, and all that is left of the dish of cheesecake is a sprig of mint and the red stain of raspberry compote. Oh? Did I not mention the sauce?

They say confession is good for the soul. But sometimes, looking our self-defeating behaviors square in the face can be depressing as hell. Oh well. It's Monday. The deed is done. Time to begin anew. (One thing I do remember about addiction: It's always easier to begin anew after you've had your fix. Denial is a b**ch.) Good morning.


17 comments:

  1. I hear you, I hear you.
    I don't like vegetables that much either although recently I have become addicted to beets which are filled with sugar, of course.
    I tell you what though- I am NOT eating the cereal I obviously bought in a fit of self-loathing a few weeks ago. I'm feeding it to the chickens. I wonder if even they'll eat it.

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    1. Ms. Moon, that self-loathing thing, it's so destructive to our efforts; talk about a vicious cycle. Of vegetables, i do like mushrooms, onions, broccoli, cauliflower, but sadly that's about it. xo

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  2. I hear you, too. Aren't those sugar cravings devious? If I feed them once, it takes me days to stop having them again. I was such a skinny kid and young adult. My weight gain started the day I realized there were chocolate chips in the cupboard and no one was the boss of me except me. I find protein to be my best defense against cravings; even a small amount seems to help. Your breakfast sounds like it nourished your soul ...

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    1. jenny_o, i think the key is not spend the day in paroxysms of guilt, and to admit that the cheesecake was delish and move on. lol about the chocolate chips although sometimes sugar does try to be the boss of me. :)

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    2. Thinking of chocolate as the boss of me is actually a fresh way of looking at this for me, and I think it may help me take back the power, so to speak ... so, thank you. And you're right that "forward" - with acknowledgement and appreciation - is the only direction we can go.

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  3. I say whatever feels most loving for your body is the best thing to do. Sometimes that's the protein. Sometimes, it's the cheesecake. Don't give yourself a hard time about it. You know the spiral.

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    1. Brittany, i do know the spiral of which you speak. Trying to sidestep it as we speak. Thank you for your wise words. Hugs, friend.

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  4. "I clearly chose a weight challenge for myself in this life." I love those words. I was tiny until after the birth of my children. I am can now say I know both worlds. Thin and fat.

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    1. Birdie, I have never in this life known what it is to be thin. To move without self-consciousness. I imagine it must be a gift that one doesn't think about unless one doesn't have it. I have other such gifts, and I am trying to be aware of them and not obsess too much on what I don't have. xo

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  5. All I can say to all of this is me, too, sistah! And you're right about the denial thing...

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    1. e, sometimes denial has its uses i suppose...

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  6. Denial is a river in Egypt for all I care. All my mothering years I was hoping and striving to somehow instal in my daughter that sense of self confidence and love for her body that my mother worked to hard to expel from my set of feelings. And she had all the help, my mother I mean.
    I think I managed it but oh wow, the world is not a nice place for the female body. In fact it's a hateful place, don't you think?

    I get the thing about the sugar, if there is a bar of chocolate in the house, I cannot rest until its gone and eaten up by me, mostly. I hugely admire people who can take a small bite and leave the rest for - tomorrow!? Same with biscuits/cookies. So, I don't buy them and I don't bake them nor cakes nor pancakes etc. unless we have guests. No cereal either, just plain porridge. Self sacrifice?
    But I do love vegs. And fruit. And fresh bread. There we go. It comes down to the same thing.

    Love your body, enjoy the luxury of eating and nourishment. Don't start counting numbers. Please. It's so demeaning.

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    1. Sabine, i agree with you, the world is a hateful place for the female body. Did you ever read this piece by one of our friends here? It's called Sing Your Body, and I absolutely love it. In fact thanks for sending me to find it and read it again. here's a link:

      http://www.vesuviusathome.com/2013/10/sing-your-body.html

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  7. "It's always easier to begin anew after you've had your fix."

    Amen to that. I wish you peace and strength.

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    1. Hi Unknown, welcome. Thanks for the kind thought.

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  8. everyone deserves a cheat day. But the key is finding a diet that still makes you happy and accomplishes your goal. If a diet feels like work, find a new one. Good luck!

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    1. C, some people say diets never work, we have to find a way of eating that is healthy and sustainable for life. Good luck indeed! xo

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