Wednesday, December 9, 2015

Consequence

What is it about December, or it is me? I'm so sad lately, so close to tears all the time, and I think it must have to do with this being my first Christmas without my mom. I've been thinking about her a lot, and also my mother-in-law, Aunt Winnie and Aunt Maisy, all the elder women powerhouses of wisdom, humor and perseverance, no longer on this side. The void they left is an ache that never leaves. I wish I could talk to my mom right now, get her gentle insight.

I am stupid and prideful sometimes. I allow things to matter that maybe shouldn't, and in the moment nothing can convince me that this thing that is upsetting me is really of very little consequence in the grand scheme. And then when the dust clears, I wonder why I bothered to speak on it. Except at the time my feelings were hurt and I thought I had to stand up for myself. And now, it's just not worth the estrangement that has followed in its wake.

It's just my husband and me here most evenings, and that is companionable and good, a steady center in the midst of the internal storm. Could Christmas really be coming around the bend in two shorts weeks? Soon my girl will be home for the holidays, and that will be good, too.

But all the rest of it? Well, I feel lost. I have no heart for the unresolved. I want to sleep through it all. I am having the hardest time getting out of bed in the morning. My body aches and aches and I suspect it's not purely physical.

My curser's been acting weird in blogger lately. It's disappears so I don't know where I am on the page. Anyone else having that issue? Maybe it's a metaphor.

My phone is out of storage. Time to back up those thousands of photos on my computer.

The photo up top is from our road trip to Ithaca last weekend. The mood seems right for this post.

I have nothing of any consequence to say.


25 comments:

  1. Why are so many of us so sad and so anxious? I don't think it's just the holidays although it could be. I don't know. Oh, sweetie. As you offered me your hand, I offer you mine. If I were there, we could walk down the street holding hands, stopping to look at the windows, the lights. We could go for a coffee or a lunch with a drink and get silly and maybe buy each other something of cashmere or purple velvet. This is an image I have and it is helping me right now. I love you.

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    1. Darling Mary, this made me smile. Purple velvet, your hand in mine. This image is helping me too. Love to you, my heart friend.

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  2. It matters. Your feelings matter. Maybe they're irrational and maybe they're not, but either way they matter. I'm sorry you are feeling down as well but I hope that you give yourself permission to grieve or rage just a little bit more, it's okay to do so :) Spring will come again (in real life and metaphorically) ;)

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    1. HBF, I suppose if we are feeling it, it matters, and the only way out is through. Thank you for this. xo

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  3. I know the feeling that something matters hugely and I must get it resolved ... and later not know why I was ever bothered. I don't understand it. But I'm familiar with it. I've come to think of it as part of the feels-too-much part of my nature.

    And, my father passed away in early summer, and I still can't think of him without tears or at the least a huge lump in my throat and clutching at my heart. That is my one huge loss so far; I don't want to imagine when I will have more to bear ... all that to say, no wonder you are sad and in emotional pain. Here are the dark days, here is celebration that is hard to celebrate, here are missing loved ones.

    May your beautiful family bring you joy and help to ease the aching.

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    1. jenny_o, i am sorry for the loss of your father, and thank you for these kind words. we will get through the season, and we will find moments to cherish, in spite of our hurting heart. let's hold that thought.

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    2. Yes, we will. Thank you for that thought.

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  4. I am so sorry you are feeling this way and wish I could hug you and remind you that these feelings are temporary and while they matter, they will pass. For me, they come in waves which slow me up but no longer knock me down. I hope your beautiful family will create some wonderful memories with you this holiday. Hugs.

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    1. Thank you, dear e. The holiday season is always a tricky pass, but I'm doing my best to navigate it. I wish you good memories this season as well.

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  5. With my mom gone, all my grandparents and most of my aunts and uncles I feel like I don't want to celebrate this beastly holiday. I just want to sleep through it all as well. Or find that River Sarah McLachlan talks about about and skate away. But then I remember that I have family that is still alive and also that my kids are here and I want them to have the same memories that I had as a child. Is there a possible balance? I don't know.
    I do know this. The first Christmas after my mom died was brutal and I let it be that way. This Christmas is my 5th Christmas without her and I do not miss her any less but I am learning to live a life of quality and happiness without her. God, I sound so mature but really I am just a little girl without her mom.
    Just do whatever you need to do to get through this month.

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    1. Dear Birdie, you are so right. We have people for whom we must help create good memories, just as our beloved elders helped create for us. Thanks for that reminder. It's very powerful.

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  6. I am so with you on a lot of this. December holds too many expectations for cheer. The dark side of me can't handle it. Let's put the covers over our heads until the days start getting longer.

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    1. Denise, let's pull the covers over our heads for sure, but maybe like children playing pretend. Pretend we are doing ok. Act as if. Sometimes, magic happens. I wish that for us both. xo

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  7. I had the curser problem when I was using Explorer. Changing to Chrome fixed the problem. The holidays are hard when there are empty places at the table. Someone told me to cheer up last night and it was all I could do to not go ballistic on them.

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    1. Lisa, maybe the problem is Safari, then. I don't think Blogger likes Safari much either. Hugs, dear one.

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  8. I know your feeling; I get it every winter, especially around Christmas. I begin to regret things I should have said to people who are no longer here, and make a point of saying things now that are important. I send you a hug from France. Cro x

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    1. Cro, thanks for the hug all the way from beautiful France! I think it's a good plan, to say the things that are important, to cherish the ones who are still with us. Yes.

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  9. On the contrary, all of that is very consequential! I think you're probably right, that these feelings are part of the continuing process of adjusting to life without your mom. You've been through some huge life changes in a few short years and there are bound to be repercussions. We all love you out here in blogland!

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    1. Steve, thank you for this. Someone told me to honor what I feel by simply letting myself feel it, allowing it to pass through. I know this, but somehow I keep forgetting. Thanks for the bloglove.

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  10. I do think that if we hold things in and don't speak them, they become resentment and eat away at our hearts. Of course I can't know the details, but I imagine that if a relationship can't handle a bit of honest conflict, it is not one worth holding on to.

    I'm sorry for your sadness. I feel it often in December, but not yet this year, to my surprise. In ten days, the light will start to return. Be kind to yourself, if nothing else.

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    1. Darling V, that is the best news of all, that you are not feeling that melancholy thing this year. That brightens my day. As for the conflicted relationship, we have mended things, so all is well. Thanks, as always, for being here. xo

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  11. I hope you're feeling a little less sad since you posted. It's hard when the holidays come around and you miss your loved ones that are gone.

    Ok, here's a little advertisement for the app groovebook, but I love it! Uploading 100 pictures a month that I have taken from my phone and getting back a little book full of my photos just for 2.99 a month, it's great :) and they do free shipping...:) having the pictures in my hand feels better than all the pictures i have stored and forgotten about on my computer.

    Have a beautiful weekend my blogger friend!

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    1. Drita, thanks for the groove book tip. I agree with you, digital photos, while widely sharable, seem lost in the virtual ether after a while. Have a lovely week!

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  12. Getting moments like this out of your head is best, so that you feel less alone.

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    1. Hey friend, I'm definitely feeling a lot better and my little conflict has been sweetly resolved. Thanks for being here! xo

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