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Tuesday, December 22, 2015

There is no try

That's a truck I saw on the street. Make a difference. 

I'm trying.

Do. Or do not. There is no try. 

The wisdom of Yoda.

Until I looked it up I thought it was said by Mr. Myagi in The Karate Kid.

I'm churning this morning. On the outside I look and sound normal but inside I'm unsettled. Christmas is days away and as always, I have the odd sense that I'm failing at it, failing to create the tinsel decorated, egg nog and cookie Christmas I see in the movies, and quite frankly, saw in my own home when I was growing up. I am completely flummoxed by the gift giving aspect of things this year. I cannot think of anything truly perfect (with one possible exception) for my loved ones, and a part of me wants to climb under the covers and whimper is it January yet?

I've realized in recent years that I have entertaining anxiety, because my mother was such a perfect hostess, so elegant and sure, but the run up to the event itself was always a mad flurry of getting the details just right.

I just got tired writing this post.

I have nothing to write, really. I'm feeling very ...  quiet.





12 comments:

  1. Well, screw Mr. Myagi and Yoda. They have set impossibly high standards. Yoda was a weird introvert that lived in a swamp for god's sake. He didn't try to make a nice home for people. And neither Yoda or Mr. Myagi had a family. They sit on their high horses judging all of us! They can both fuck off. Now go have a glass (or three) of wine and put your feet up.

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  2. Don't worry, be happy, as the old song says...the point is the people, not the "stuff" and your family and friends are great to be with...Prayers for your parents for putting you here, and Birdie's right, go put your feet up and sing!

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  3. Totally agree with Birdie!!! LOL! she made my day!!! and since I'm stuck at the office have a glass of wine for me too!!!

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  4. Oh my god, woman! I finished my Christmas shopping in one short fell swoop today. I bought every one of my children and their sweethearts down pillows at the Costco. Ssh! Don't tell! I am so happy. A gift that is practical, a bit luxurious, and everyone will laugh! I am so fucking relieved I can't tell you. And look- just because your mother was perfect at entertaining, that doesn't mean you have to be. And why should everyone else get all the fun and you all the worry and work?
    But I understand. I get it. I used to be that entertainer, that mother. And now I simply am not. Nor do I want to be.
    As much as I love and adore you, I am certain that your family loves and adores you a million times more. There is no perfect gift. There is only perfect love. You shine that love on your family 365 days of the year.
    That alone is a miracle gift which few receive in this lifetime.

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  5. It's really, really hard not to think it's all a crock of shit, isn't it?

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  6. I have entertainment anxiety and I thought it was because my mother NEVER entertained. I also have guest anxiety, unless it's a visit to my family. It is good to have my out of town granddaughter here for the holidays though.

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  7. I ignore the gift-giving pretty much. My immediate family has done that for years. Of course one of my children married into a gift-giving family and has me to thank for being ill-prepared. Whatever. This year it dawned on me that this dark time of year is perhaps supposed to bring out the darkness, the solemnity, the pondering of death and dying. That's why the jolly is so hard. The wind is blowing 40-miles an hour here. I don't feel jingly at all.

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  8. I suspect you're a better hostess than you think you are -- and a better gift-giver, too. :)

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  9. I enjoy being with people, and eating good food, and playing games, and laughing until I cry, but I DO NOT like being the hostess at such things! Very stressful!

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  10. That's funny that you should mention that Yoda quote. That's something that's come up at the fencing club I go to lately and I mutter it to myself during practice sometimes. Listen, you do the best you can and after that, let it go. No one is the perfect hostess. Just some are better at it than others.

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