Monday, April 25, 2016

I keep on

I'm so tired. I'm so tired of pretending I'm not exhausted all the time. I want to travel the world, but who am I kidding? I can't walk two city blocks without pain. Hardly the resume of an explorer. Climbing stairs is excruciating, and I am obliged to lead with the right leg always. My left leg aches all the time. And yet I keep on keeping on, ashamed. Fat people don't often pursue what's medically wrong because all inquiry stops at the scale. Again and again, doctors find nothing wrong that losing weight won't fix. Well, your joints are all fucked up, but you know, lose weight for that. Your eyes are clear, your heart rate strong, your blood work looks pretty good too. So it must be the weight, right? Lose some weight, goddammit, and you'll be better. To all the people who say, just lose some weight, just eat right and exercise, I want to say, if it were so damn simple, there wouldn't be a single fat person in this world. What am I not getting here? I'm disciplined and proactive in every other area of my life. But when it comes to this body in which I move, I feel like a lost and desperate cause. I don't know what to do, how to change. Nothing seems to move the needle. I want to climb under the covers and go to sleep, but of course, I must keep on. Getting my music all arranged for Monday evening choir rehearsal, making myself presentable, putting on my armor of pretense. Where's the painkiller? Two small blue pills. Let's go.

14 comments:

  1. Dear woman, don't be so hard on yourself. We are living in an age where body size has been made into a moral category loaded with criticism and contempt. Why do we let this happen?

    Look after your health, soothe your pain, but don't stop being in love with your body.

    Some time ago, I found this on the internets somewhere:

    "Your body is a forest - thick canopies of maple trees and sweet scented wildflowers sprouting in the underwood. You will grow back, over and over, no matter how badly you are devastated."

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  2. Have you had any blood work, adrenal support, hormonal testing? There are a whole raft of things beyond "lose the weight" that can factor in a situation like this...

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  3. I can relate completely. Completely and utterly. However, I will say that when I was much thinner and doing yoga three times a week, my joints hurt just as badly as they do now.
    But the weight isn't helping. And I know that.
    So hey- let's try this- let's just eat less and exercise more! Okay?
    Right.
    Love you, woman.

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  4. No No No No No. A bunch of my friends have lately had surgery for hurting joints because there were things wrong, and they're younger than me and so younger than you. THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG. Go to a doctor to get it fixed.

    Fat? Woman, please. Only maybe by Manhattan supermodel standards, or insurance charts that never fit anybody.

    And regardless of all that, you need to go to a doctor to fix you up right. And maybe that means somebody like my amazing Swiss chiropractor who tells me what she can do and what she can't, and it makes an amazing difference in my hip pain. Sometimes even the diagnosis makes a huge difference: torn hip flexors. OK, now I know, but I'm not going under the knife until the technology is better, and I know specifically what motions to avoid and how to overcompensate and so I make it work.

    Please go to somebody who will help end this pain, or at least make it honestly manageable.

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  5. it's a total mind fuck that our bodies change so inexplicably once we reach a certain age. im convinced its not just hormones, but the hormonal change accompanied by this stressful life we lead and food thats not real

    eventhough we try...

    i hear you sweet sister
    xoxoxo

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  6. Ohhh ... my friend, you are really hurting. I am so sorry. And I know how hard it is to lose weight. I have been trying so hard since December and the results are small. Is it possible that you can see another doctor, perhaps a specialist (rheumatologist)? Pain IS exhausting. And it's pretty hard to exercise when you have joint pain. Can you take a step back from some responsibilities, maybe a temporary step if a permanent one is not possible? Chronic pain is a demon. Please take care of yourself.

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  7. I hope you find something or someone that can help you through this. With that said, please don't be so hard on yourself.



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  8. Read the book Intuitive Eating. It will change your life. Also read "Health At Every Size". Also go see a doctor that listens to you and is sensitive and appropriate around these issues. Dr. Weiser-McCarthy is great (expensive but great). Don't let this moment become a demoralizing experience.

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  9. I can so relate to you Angella. I am overweight and my joints and feet ache. I joined OA because it's a group of people that approach the weight thing differently and I take meds for arthritis. I am hard on myself and get depressed about it but that doesn't really get me anywhere. I am unable to eat raw veggies and fruit because of a stomach disorder and I veer towards carbs, which doesn't help. I am almost 60. It is so hard and the biggest obstacle in my life. I get you. You are not alone.

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  10. I can only echo those who suggest seeing another doctor, perhaps a joint specialist. And DO NOT GIVE UP on losing weight, even though it seems impossible and frustrating. Perhaps a nutritionist could help -- someone who could set you up with a diet designed for your needs? I suggest this only as a way to alleviate your health concerns and pain -- not for any aesthetic reason, because from that standpoint you look great just the way you are. Seriously.

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  11. Losing weight seems to be the holy elixir that will heal all our ills and give us eternal youth. Only, so many of us were thin in our youths.

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  12. Take care, friend. This sounds so painful with one of your legs not working well. I hope you find the right treatment that works for you.

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  13. I just went to the doctor and was told to lose weight. I'm going to eat more vegetables and move more. The knee pain is no joke. The going up the stairs one at a time is so arghhhhh!

    Sending healing thoughts your way. Hope you find some help/relief.

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