Sunday, May 8, 2016

Reasons


My girl just left to go back to school and I miss her already. It was a mad dash getting her to the bus on time, her dad drove her, and the traffic in midtown was terrible, but she made it. And then she was gone, the day just a little less bright. It was good having her home for the weekend. I am having a quietly teary day. I miss my mom, though no one has mentioned her today. It's my second mother's day without her, so I suppose I should be all used to this by now. I don't know why I'm even bothering to post this. My Blogger feed has mysteriously stopped updating. Here's one more reason to feel sorry for myself, as if I need reasons: I've gained back almost all the weight I lost. I feel like an addict. Every night I promise myself that tomorrow I'll do better. I'm not really eating much differently than when I was losing, but I suppose even a ten extra calories daily can burn the house down. Wrong metaphor, of course, since the problem is actually the opposite of burning. My body seems to be stubbornly rebounding. There was a piece in the New York Times about the physiology of how that happens. Depressing as hell.

I want to run away.


10 comments:

  1. You are updating in my feed. You have good reason to be sad today. Your daughter leaving, the lingering grief for your beloved mother. There is no reason to think that it will ever disappear forever or that you will get any better at knowing how to handle that emptiness.
    Ah- at the beach we spoke of diets. Lily is going to go vegan again. She likes that fine and always loses weight and feels good. Jessie has decided to just eat more fruits and vegetables and whole grains instead of other "stuff." Me? I remained mostly silent, knowing that yes, I can lose weight but then motivation disappears for one reason or another and back it comes. It sucks to the nth degree. I know.

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  2. Ms. Moon beat me to the punch...the only thing I would add is that you are beautiful just the way you are. Hugs!

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  3. Your posts are updating in my feed. I know to be true the words of the song "God makes beautiful things, he made you". So don't be too disappointed in gaining that weight back, today is a new day.

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  4. My Mom has been gone since 2007 and my Aunt who was my 2nd Mom has been gone since 2001. I shed tears every mothers day for them. I miss them and always will. You will always miss your Mom. As far as the weight, don't be so hard on yourself most women are like yo-yo's our weight go's up and down throughout our lives.
    You are are blessed being alive for another day!!!! (That's how I try to look at things when I'm feeling down...)

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  5. Your sadness seems justified to me, your tears warranted and your grief legitimate. I too struggle with yo-yo weight shit; someday is a word I use all too often. We do the best we can each and everyday, and that is good enough. When I'm panicking or pressured by perfection I tell myself in my head, "my best is worthwhile" and "my legacy is love," to calm myself and put things in perspective, more and more often it helps me be able to stay in the fight, the midst of things, to do 'life' instead of flee or give up. I know that you will keep fighting, keeping trying-I just know it. :o) Wishing you better days and a smooth transition during this challenging time. Hugs.

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  6. I have been thinking about this post all day...it is important not to get discouraged about weight gain....we must keep trying. Speaking for myself I think I am doing what I need to do but I am not and have to admit it...sometimes I look at my plate and think to myself you cannot be serious about losing weight. Or when I spend hours in the chair I think just get up and move....and I only need to lose less than 20 pounds. It is so important to try to take care of ourselves. I'm not sure about the article on slow metabolism...the main reason our metabolism slows is because we have no muscle tone which is because we don't really exercise. I'm sure your son would agree with that...perhaps he could be your trainer or recommend someone. It is a whole learning process...don't think of it as a diet...think of it as being here when the grandchildren come!

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  7. I am just trying to relose the weight I regained over the past year. ugh. My oldest granddaughter starts college in the fall. She's going to Spellman so she will still be in town but on campus. She can't wait and doesn't realize how short those 4 years are.

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  8. Angella, I am fighting the same fight. Except you have chronic pain, which makes it even more difficult. Did you read the "readers respond" linked to in the article? If not, it's here: http://www.nytimes.com/2016/05/05/health/readers-respond-the-biggest-loser.html The responses are quite helpful and may give you hope again. And about Mother's Day ... as well as the days before and after ... a year or two or three is a short time when you have lost someone you loved so much. Be kind to yourself in these times. Wishing you comfort, my friend.

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  9. I'm so behind on reading my friends' blogs. I'm sorry to have neglected you here. I am sorry that you gained back the weight you lost. I'm sorry about that fucking article in the fucking NY Times. I read it, too. I hope this feeling passes, that your bereft changes to peace and joy. You are a beautiful, beautiful woman, Angella.

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  10. Dear Angella, with hardship comes easy, remember. Grief takes a long time to settle. My mother died in 1999 - and we we never got on - but I still hear her voice and sometimes see her shy smile, the one she showed only very rarely, when I look in the mirror. That helps. But it is your life that matters and your happiness and your despair with your body should not take such a prominent role. Is there anywhere you can find advice? Nutritionist? Support group?

    My man is cutting out sugar - all and every hidden form and shape of it - after watching the "That Sugar" film and reading "Diet Delusion" by Gary Taubes. And he is and never has been overweight.

    My daughter and her man have been living on this 2-days-fasting (600 calories) idea (program?) for the last couple of years and they are so healthy it blinds you.

    I just tag along and suffer because there is never anything mean and dirty in our fridge and cupboards.

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