Wednesday, August 17, 2016

Red Door

I went to the doctor today. As I left her office, I just wanted to curl into a ball and cry. I felt sorry for myself, so hopeless. There is so much wrong with me. I have a long road ahead, and I wish there were someone who could just inspire me to set my feet upon it, but in fact, I must inspire myself. I'm exhausted already.

I saw that red door on the way home. I liked the shade of red. I felt a strange desire to go inside, to explore what lay behind those stone walls. What I was really feeling was a desire to escape myself, escape into an entirely new body, but not to escape my life, I love the people who are around me in this life. But I am so impaired. Some things might not be fixable. But I have to try.

18 comments:

  1. And once again- I know EXACTLY what you mean.

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    1. Darling Mary, I know you understand, but I so wish you didn't. I am beaming you so much love and healing energy, and i know you send me the same. There is a quote I once heard: Whatever you need, give that. My arms are full of giving that to you. Thank you for being here, always.

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  2. Oh, dear Angella ... hugs. Maybe you will need to grieve the losses before you can get started too far down that long road. I'm sorry you are hurting. Give yourself some space to adjust. And don't be afraid to ask for help if anyone around you has help you could use.

    I am feeling ancient and sore, too, as I deal with what I've diagnosed as bursitis. (We are between doctors.) It's gotten so bad, so fast, I can barely walk. And my mind is in a panic, thinking about my father and how his stroke took away his ability to walk, and how fast it can happen, and how I have fewer years left on earth than I've already lived, and how I don't want to be dependent on anyone, and have so much left that I want to do.

    Strange how so often we find others going through such similar things. But we all tend to put on a brave face and not talk about it too much. Well, I'm glad you talked about it.

    That is a gorgeous photo.

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    1. jenny_o, thank you for sharing this with me. it's not that misery loves company but rather let's hold hands and get through this together, we don't have to do it alone. thank you for that, my friend. xo

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  3. Oh, Angella. I am so sorry. I wish that I lived nearby, and I'd help you in any and all ways that I could. Please feel all the love and support you have out here --

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    1. Elizabeth, it put a smile on my face to think of you living nearby. So you have already helped. Thank you, friend, for the kindness always.

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  4. Dear Angella, my heart goes out to you. Believe me, I have been in a similar space more than I ever wanted to. But remember, our bodies, every tiny hidden cell and synapse and fiber, are constantly striving to heal. It may not be the glossy healing we imagine but it will be the best it can come up with. Be gentle with yourself, trust your body and allow things to happen.

    In my darker times, I found great help for my going-around-miserable-circles mind with a routine of mindfulness exercises. There are now some lovely apps for our shiny smart phones, like headspace etc.

    "Things falling apart is a kind of testing and also a kind of healing. We think that the point is to pass the test or to overcome the problem, but the truth is that things don’t really get solved. They come together and they fall apart. Then they come together again and fall apart again. It’s just like that. The healing comes from letting there be room for all of this to happen: room for grief, for relief, for misery, for joy." (Pema Chodron)

    Sending you lots of supportive hugs.

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    1. Dear Sabine, what an amazing comment. Thank you for framing it in exactly this way for me. Somehow it doesn't seem so overwhelming when I think of it in this way, every word you say here. I love the idea of my body doing its best to heal. When I see it thank way, it allows me to love my body and thank it for what it is trying to do for me, even when I am not helping. And that Pema Chodron quote, wow! It strengthens me in ways you cannot imagine. hugs.

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  5. Dear Angella, my mother is 90 years old and was never healthy. My earliest memories are of her going to Weight Watchers to weigh-in and coming home furious and dejected. She drank and ate to excess and didn't exercise or take vitamins or any of that stuff. She became diabetic in her 40's and never took very good care of that either. No epiphany, no change, she just kept on the same way. But now at 90 she weighs about 130, still loves beautiful clothes and wears them, looks far younger than her years, has a lot of health problems that don't bother her much and her doctors are surprised that she is still with us. But she is and enjoying life. I have seen her fall apart then come together over and over. I guess all this is to say don't lose hope and don't take it all too hard. Doctor's prognostications are not always right and are definitely less accurate than a person's will to just keep on keeping on.

    You are awesome.

    -invisigal

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    1. darling invisigal, thank you for sharing your experience with your dear mother, i feel that i know her well! i love that she is enjoying her life at 90, and i will take great inspiration from her will to just keep on keeping on. i can do that! big hugs and it is always such a joy to see you here.

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  6. Please don't lose hope. Like invisigal's mother, my mother too had a hard time health and weight wise for most of her life. I remember worrying over how much she ate, how large she got, how ill, how sad. If you have the disease my mother had/has you wear your sadness on the outside. As a recovering alcoholic, I wear mine inside. There's really no difference aside from how it physically manifests.
    But here's the good news: At the age of 65 (!) mom had a gastric sleeve. She lost 120 pounds (and counting) and has her life back. I hate that it took her so long to get where she is, but she's here, she's alive and I have my mother . I used to think only death would relieve her from her pain, but life did.

    I don't know what's happening with you, but I wanted to share hope, and so much love for you. xoxoxo

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    1. Dear Chrissy, I am so moved by your comment, thank you for sharing it with such an open heart. I can tell how much you love your mother, and I deeply appreciate your sharing her story with me. Perhaps I will be able to relieve my children of the same kind of worry. You give me a lot of hope, more than you know. I send love to you dear friend, and big hugs. xo

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  7. I have many health problems. Some are brought on by myself, some are hereditary and some have just shown up. Excema in the ears. Explain that one!)
    I think the gentler people are the ones who get sick and have health problems. Negative energy coming at us from every direction. Negative energy in has to manifest some way.
    I send you good energy. And a hug.

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  8. Oh, friend. I'm sorry. Do you fully trust the person who delivered the messages or should you seek second opinions? Finding the right doctors for me has always been so challenging but worth it. From the endocrinologist who said it's ok if I don't want to kill my thyroid to the gyno who promised she wouldn't remove my uterus unless riddled with cancer to the naturopath who brought me back to life with nutritional supplements and acupuncture. All of them so hard to find, often a 7th opinion.

    Bird by bird. Have you read that by Anne Lamott? Perhaps a best gift anyone gave me was to assign that reading.

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  9. I'm so sorry your appointment didn't go better. I know you have the wisdom to address the things you can change, and do your best with the things you can't. Which is all you can do, right? Don't hold yourself responsible or punish yourself.

    I love Sabine's idea that the body is always healing, and the Pema Chodron quote above is terrific. She is such a wise teacher.

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  10. Angella (I still think of you as Angella), I'm sorry. I'm also sorry that I read your posts loyally but you'd never know it because I never comment. I really am always here, and I am always sending you love. <3

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  11. I've read here for years, and only commented sparingly, which is a shame because I enjoy your writing and perspective so very much. I am in my mid 30s and have just experienced total body clusterf**k, as in severe pain, unexplained ligament laxity, anxiety and panic attacks, and all sorts of other weird, unexplainable ailments. Multiple doctors. $25k in tests. Some wanted to put me on prescriptions galore. hell-for almost 2 years. What ended up happening, at my very brink of despair, is that I started to listen to my body. Really listen-not with worry or fear, but with an approach of self care similar to the way I'd listen to my children. I tried to tune out the negative-"your muscles are so weak", "we can send you to the pain clinic" and immerse myself in learning about my astounding makeup-I started to change some of my healthcare to more holistic providers-I have a profound respect for medicine, but believe that insurance and big pharma complicates the practice, and so I turned to D.O.s and functional medicine. What I learned challenged me to change some habits-certain foods as inflammation triggers, certain vitamins needed supplementing to bring me to optimal balance, and bioidentical hormones-whoa. I'm not out of the woods, but I'm not scared anymore. I have embarked on a journey of self-care. It is a worthy goal, I think, to put YOU first. You are not broken, you may be dormant, preparing for metamorphosis. You are your own strength, of profound importance to so many, and the seeds of your own triumph-and I can't wait to hear the tale.

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  12. I don't know what is wrong but would urge you to focus on the positive and do whatever is reasonable and will not do any additional harm to you. It is okay to refuse something if it does not feel right to you and to read and research everything you can before making decisions and not letting others pressure you. You have a wealth of people from whom to draw support, too. Sending hugs.

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