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Saturday, September 24, 2016

The why


Woke up cranky. My husband, bless him, refused to get sucked in. But why am I feeling like this? I don't have good enough reasons, not even chemistry, so what is it? Last night, at dinner with two dear women friends, I thought I'd figured it out: I feel rudderless. Purposeless. My children are doing well, they're launched, as they say, and I'm happy for that, but the great and beloved work of the past two and a half decades of my life—raising them—is largely complete, and what do I do now? My next book project is taking a while to come on line, and I am at such a loose end. The project still looks promising, and the subject matter is important, so fingers crossed that it actually happens, but in the meantime, I don't know what to do with myself. I suppose I should volunteer somewhere, make myself useful, but where? Doing what? Definitely I should attend to my health, which means a round of doctors appointments, and I'm doing that finally. But what will my next great purpose be? Sure, I can get busy with work and distract myself for a while, but then the lull comes, and I find myself asking: Why am I here?


12 comments:

  1. You could see this as an exciting time, full of opportunity to discover more of "who am I?". I am there with you, our children are adults now and I am retired. What door will open for you and for me next?

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    1. Terra, your comment reminds me that patience is a part of this equation. Someone told me the other day that boredom is a sign of low frustration tolerance. My angst is probably the same thing. All that to say, you're so right. I need to be paying attention lest I miss that door. Because there is always a door, isn't there?

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  2. I am pretty sure that this is a stage we never grow out of- this wondering- why am I here?
    I'm still so unsure about my purpose. Why can't we just accept that our purpose is to be here, to live our lives, to love?

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    1. I like your response a lot, Ms. Mary Moon. We are here to love, certainly. But what is that restlessness in me lately? That feeling of being unmoored? What am I supposed to take from it? Maybe it is enough to just sit with it and let it be what it is? I don't know. I wish for...something. I'm not sure what.

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  3. Perhaps with a bit of help, your rudderless feelings will abate. I await your next steps. Hugs.

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  4. Look up " niacin for depression and anxiety". There was a lady talking about it on the radio this morning. It sounds like quite the miracle cure for all sorts of ills!

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  5. I realise this sounds corny and probably a bit worn out, it's just another internet quote that has been making the rounds for ages, but it has been my experience:
    "With unfailing kindness, your life always presents what you need to learn. Whether you stay home or work in an office or whatever, the next teacher is going to pop right up."

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  6. It is only normal I think that we ask this question after our children use their wings and fly out. Do not dispair, you will find something new to fill your days useful. It's a good idea to volunteer somewhere, maybe at your church? Whatever it'll be, do it step by step.

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  7. I'm sorry to hear you in such pain and sorrow, feeling lost and rudderless. I know how wise you are, how loving, how good and how true- and I also know that none of these things are much comfort when you're down like you are right now. Down in down, and it's real, and it sucks.

    I love you. That is important to say even though I know you know it. But I do, and you matter to me- even though we've never met in the flesh. Not yet.

    I think sometimes we just fall victim to our chemistry, and it really doesn't matter what's going on "outside" of us- we just feel awful and want to die. But it is possible that what you're facing right now is kind of a soul cry that bears deep examination. I think with the issues you pointed out, your mother's passing, your children doing so well stepping into their adult lives, your sense of ruderlessness- these are all pretty powerful issues and it makes sense that they've left you reeling.

    Your doctor was pretty amazing to spot your pain and recommend some help. Bravo for him. And bravo for you for following through.

    I trust in your wisdom and I know it will guide you through this perfectly. Not easily, is my guess, but in the way that will provide for you what is needed for your next unfolding. In the meantime, you have all these village idiots who love you and are pulling for you and who want only deep joy and fulfillment for you.

    Your light shines into the darkness, girl. You are a radiant sun that shines on the just and the unjust alike, and we love you for it.

    I'm praying for you.


    Big love,

    Scott

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  8. Come and read a book to my first graders. Their lives are not always easy but those kids wear emotions and find their way back to happiness. You have so much to offer and so do they. I think it is a win-win situation.

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  9. I agree with Mary Moon, that our purpose is just to be here, to live, to love, and I'd add, to be loved. One of the things that has given me purpose since our kids left home and my dad passed away is to figure out what hobbies give me joy. It doesn't necessarily work for everyone, but it's a thought.

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  10. I'm getting caught up here. That rudderlessness feeling is like a plague. Sometimes I can shake if I'm lucky. And that health thing. It's at least a part-time job. In a way, it's still part of the parenting package--the way we try to maintain ourselves for them. Really, it's out of love for the children, for me at least.

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