Today, I am sad. Lonely. He is withholding something, I believe it is medical news that he doesn’t feel ready or able or willing to share and I have a lot of emotions around that. Mostly I feel abandoned, because isn’t this supposed to be a partnership? Forty years this year. So how do you just shut me out like that. Refuse to tell. Do your passive aggressive cave thing, carve out the no-go territory and then act like everything else is just fine. It’s not. I’m all twisted up and tumbling down a dark hole. Can’t take a full breath. I guess I’m scared and angry too. Scared I’ll lose him to whatever he's not saying. Angry he’s leaving me at the mercy of my most dire imaginings. I imagine he’s trying to manage his own feelings and isn’t ready to have to manage mine too. So I’m going along. Acting as if things are normal so as not to escalate. Because what’s the point of blowing up the whole dolly house, which I sort of already did this morning before we managed this afternoon (after his doctor’s appointment about which he shared nothing) to regroup and repair. I carry on and I wait. Holding myself in. Almost casually sharing news of about a president melting down over a general refusing to give him the nuclear codes. In this moment the possible end of the world seems distant and hypothetical.
Is he going to be ok? feels much more pressing. Marriage can be hard y’all.
Scary. I hope he feels able to share soon.
ReplyDeleteKristin, I hope so too.
DeleteIt’s very, very hard at times. Sending love and hugs,
ReplyDeleteXoxo
Barbara
Thank you dear Barbara.
DeleteMy dear friend, give him time, he is afraid.
ReplyDeleteI’m sure you’re right, Sabine, but being male, he’s putting up a brave front. I wrote here to manage my own fear, which is why I might delete later. No brave fronts here. I pray I am just catastrophizing, as I am wont to do.
DeleteI’m sorry. I’m not the best person as counsel for marriage — or men, for that matter. Hard times, frayed nerves. Hang in there.
ReplyDeleteElizabeth, so much swirling about, frayed nerves indeed. I’m hanging, friend.
DeleteYes, marriage is hard. But you have a long, good story with this good man. He may be overwhelmed at the moment. Sometimes carrying on and waiting (as extremely difficult as it is) is the best thing to do.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Georgia. This is true, and exactly what I need to hear. Thanks for saying it.
DeleteOof - I feel this. My husband was very much like this. I believe so much that sharing hard things makes them lighter, but he didn't. Sometimes it was because he didn't have the bandwidth to field all my emotions as well as his own. Sometimes because he thought it wouldn't change anything so why worry me? Sometimes because he thought he was supposed to be the strong one all the time. Sometimes because I don't know why. Just know I feel for you, and hope your husband can come out of his shell soon. xx
ReplyDeleteJenny, you very clearly understand. It is all those things, combined! And there’s not much one can do to change who they are. I know it must have been hard for you. They don’t understand that the unknown is scarier for us. For me anyway. Thanks for being here birthday mate. Our day is coming up soon!
DeleteI can't imagine your anxiety right now. This has to be so very, very hard.
ReplyDeleteLoving you.