What is it about December, or it is me? I'm so sad lately, so close to tears all the time, and I think it must have to do with this being my first Christmas without my mom. I've been thinking about her a lot, and also my mother-in-law, Aunt Winnie and Aunt Maisy, all the elder women powerhouses of wisdom, humor and perseverance, no longer on this side. The void they left is an ache that never leaves. I wish I could talk to my mom right now, get her gentle insight.
I am stupid and prideful sometimes. I allow things to matter that maybe shouldn't, and in the moment nothing can convince me that this thing that is upsetting me is really of very little consequence in the grand scheme. And then when the dust clears, I wonder why I bothered to speak on it. Except at the time my feelings were hurt and I thought I had to stand up for myself. And now, it's just not worth the estrangement that has followed in its wake.
It's just my husband and me here most evenings, and that is companionable and good, a steady center in the midst of the internal storm. Could Christmas really be coming around the bend in two shorts weeks? Soon my girl will be home for the holidays, and that will be good, too.
But all the rest of it? Well, I feel lost. I have no heart for the unresolved. I want to sleep through it all. I am having the hardest time getting out of bed in the morning. My body aches and aches and I suspect it's not purely physical.
My curser's been acting weird in blogger lately. It's disappears so I don't know where I am on the page. Anyone else having that issue? Maybe it's a metaphor.
My phone is out of storage. Time to back up those thousands of photos on my computer.
The photo up top is from our road trip to Ithaca last weekend. The mood seems right for this post.
I have nothing of any consequence to say.