It's Tuesday morning and my heart hurts. The day outside is pewter gray and there's a tightness just below my throat, signalling perhaps that my "mood disorder" is fixing to have itself a play day.
I'm also anxious that I'm not far enough along in my book project, just a little overwhelmed by all the interviews I have yet to conduct, details not yet pinned down. This might be a normal stage of the process. The only thing I know right now is I will get it done. The how isn't so clear to me yet.
We're looking to buy a used car. Our trusty 1997 Jeep finally died. My friend Monique just got a great deal on a used car but she got caught up in her life and her license expired. She has to do the 5-hour class and road test all over again. She asked us if we would keep her car in our parking spot until she gets her papers squared away. She said we should drive it until we get a new car. Talk about good friends and the universe providing our needs.
Monique was the first friend I made when I moved to New York City. We were freshmen together at Barnard. She's an engineer. Back then, we were standing next to one another in a line to register for classes during orientation and we just started talking. She was stressing about Freshman English and I was stressing about my Math requirement. We laughed and pledged to help each other. And we did. And we do.
Last Thursday, I met my blog friend Susan Landry of Run to the Roundhouse, Nellie in the flesh. She was in the city for a few days, visiting her son. We had a lovely time discussing our lives over tea and cappuccino in the Hungarian Pasty Shop, a neighborhood institution that Susan used to frequent back when she lived in New York. It was great being with her. It felt like we already knew each other, just immediate comfort. And I have never seen a photo of Susan that does her justice. She is beautiful! We loved that we were able to finally meet; our children beat us to it though. Some months ago they had a meal together in Ithaca where my daughter is in college and Susan's very accomplished son has exciting ventures in the hospitality business. We fond mothers fantasize that they may work together yet.
I'm lucky in this world.
But so damned moody.
You and me- same-same. In so many ways.
ReplyDeleteMs. Moon, sisters under the skin. That' s us.
DeleteThe writing business is always an anxious business always for me. You will prevail.
ReplyDeleteRebecca, thank you, my dear. There's a fine line between anxiety and excitement, isn't there? There is some excitement in there, for sure.
DeleteI'm right there with you...moodiness reigns, whether from stress, sleep deprivation, sadness, the start of menopause...and I agree with Ms. Radish...You will prevail. You always do.
ReplyDeletedear e, we will both prevail. what other choice is there, right? xo
DeleteThat's so nice that you made a real life, in person connection with your blogger friend!!!
ReplyDeleteI hope you grief subsides in time. I remember I was in a daze with grief for about three months after my Mom passed. Now I just think about all the good things about our relationship and the life she lived and how lucky I was to have her as my mom..
Drita, I am a bit of an introvert, so for me to meet up with a blogger friend was a big step for me, and I'm so glad I did! I'm trying to push out of my little world a bit more. Thank you for sharing your grief process. I do remember the good times with my mom and am very cognizant of how lucky I have been to be her daughter.
DeleteAhhh but you're moving forward and things are happening. Blessings.
ReplyDeleteCandice, moving forward indeed! Hugs, friend.
DeleteI love reading your blog and your words because I get it. I know I probably have mentioned to you about being a Highly Sensitive Person but I am telling you again in case I haven't. I am very highly sensitive and learning about the HSP has helped me feel better about all my moods and sensitivities. http://hsperson.com/test/highly-sensitive-test/
ReplyDeleteAnyway.. Those words. Mood Disorder. Is that me or does that even make sense. Is everyone supposed to act a certain way not to be classified as having a mood disorder? And then that label makes you so much more aware of every thought and feeling that must make you have that said disorder. Yes, there are people out there that are not well emotionally but it seems that unless you have been able to turn off your emotions you have a mood disorder. I have said this before but maybe the rest of the world should be more sensitive and sad to the things that are happening in the world. Maybe then we would see change.
And please be patient with yourself. Your mom just died. You may be all grown up on the outside but there is that little girl inside of you that will miss your mother until your own death. Needing our mom is primal, I think. Just yesterday a song came on the radio that reminds me of my mom and I was crying. I miss her so much. I still feel disjointed and it has been over 3 1/2 years.
Dear Birdie, I remember when I first found your blog your mom had recently passed away, and I know how hard it was in the aftermath. I think I will always miss her, that's just how it will be, and as for the "mood disorder", I was being a little tongue in cheek. Some of us are just on a more emotional spectrum than others, I think. I don't consider myself disordered, really. The way I am made probably serves me in the work I do. We go on, we go on. Love to you, friend.
Deleteit was so wonderful to connect with you, like we'd been friends for ages. i've met three wonderful women now, from blog world, in real life--and each of you is a treasure. these threads are special and i think enduring, weaving our lives together. xoxo
ReplyDeletesusan, i had such a wonderful time with you! and i know we will do it again! Much love.
DeleteSo many of us live with these wild and sensitive and ever-changing moods that I don't think it can be called a disorder--not by experts or by mean-spirited internet haunters. I think it's just being human. Yes, give yourself so much time, dear Angella.
ReplyDeleteBrittany, I agree with you. I think we are made according to so many different blueprints, and every one can serve the world. I love you, sweet friend.
DeleteFunny how it can be such a roller coaster, even within the span of a day. Sounds like you had a nice time meeting your friend! That's always exciting! Do take care! It's a pewter day here, as well :o)
ReplyDeleteBlogget, so nice to see you here! Thinking of you during this pass...
DeleteI love that you and Susan got to meet one another and that your children did as well. And I'm sorry for your blue mood and struggles -- I hope that they pass soon.
ReplyDeleteElizabeth, you should know that Susan and I talked about meeting up and attending one of your Books and Bakes salons together! I can't do your May date unfortunately, but I am still planning to make it later in the year.
DeleteI'm glad that you feel like you've bounced back a bit from your moody moment (as you reported in your subsequent post), but it seems perfectly understandable that you'd feel some anxiety, given the major projects you're working on. I could never quite wrap my mind around the idea of writing a book!
ReplyDeleteIt's great that you got to meet Susan. I always love meeting other bloggers! I'm sorry you and I never connected when I lived closer, though there hopefully will still be opportunities. :)
Oh, and of course, you're still recovering from the loss of your mom and your other family losses. Be patient and kind to yourself. This is a process, as you know.
ReplyDelete