The worst happened

The light in my house seemed somehow different this morning, as if I had awoken in a world that was not the same as the one I had gone to sleep in two nights before. And yet I was in the very same country, only now all the masks, all my vain hopes and platitudes had been stripped away and the true nature of us was plain as the very day. Out on the streets, New York was dead quiet. People nodded to each other, bleary eyed and shell shocked. The only other time the city felt as hushed as it was today was on 9/11. 

As we all now know, Trump marched red across the electoral map last night, just as he did in 2016. I felt as if I was suffering from PTSD. I went to bed feeling weirdly disconnected from myself and I woke up numb. I was aware of emotions stirring in the depths but they felt papered over. Occasionally one feeling or another broke through. Betrayal. Grief. Disbelief. The bitter realization that so many in this country just did not care about those who their vote put in jeopardy. Anger at the bomb threats in some 40 heavily Democratic voting precincts in Georgia. Untold numbers of voters showing up to find their names nowhere on the rolls despite their having registered. Were votes suppressed? I have no doubt, but here we are. What happened, happened. 

I sat alone in my house all morning after my husband went to work, the TV off, my thoughts swirling, and finally the salient emotion rose to the fore and it was sadness, deep surpassing oceanic sadness at the state of us, and the world we have bequeathed to our children. 

My niece in Texas texted the family chat that she did not intend to risk another pregnancy so we better love on Harper all we can. And we will. But why did so many not care one whit about the question of Trump's character? One Black podcast host summed up Trump in this way: “He is a masterclass in white privilege. He can't say enough racist things to be a racist. He can't commit enough crimes to be a criminal. He can't fail enough times to be a failure. He can't say enough stupid things to be stupid. The idea of him overshadows any reality. The “Christian savior" who doesn't know the bible, the adulterer who f*cks porn stars and steals from charities. It's the promise of the protection of whiteness he represents.” That's part of it for some people for sure. Another part of his win is outright misogyny. In the end, Kamala Harris is a woman, and a great majority of men, and as it turns out, a majority of non-Black women, too, were just never going to vote for a woman.

A luta continua.

But I’m tired, y'all. 

I might need a minute.