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Friday, October 9, 2015

Cool as. Not


I'm in a swirl of overthinking and trying to figure out potential projects, and wondering do I want to take on this one project just because it's a sure and fairly well-paid thing or am I safe enough to pass on it because it is unsettling, even disturbing to my spirit, and not in the good way.

The good sort of unsettled feeling is when a project excites and frightens me because I want so much to do it and do it well but I don't see the path there yet, I'm just putting one foot in front of the other, taking the next right action and trying not to hold my breath. The other kind of unsettled feeling is when I think I should take on a project and it's mine if I want it, but my spirit is fighting it, kicking and screaming really—I don't want to do it, but can't articulate exactly why. Or I can, but I don't because I'm too busy judging my reasons, I'm mired in shoulds.

It could be I just need more information, I don't do well with uncertainties, with unresolved stretches or great unknowns. It kicks up such anxiety in me, such flat out fear. But fear of what exactly? I need to remind myself, I am safe. All is well. Repeat after me, Rosemarie.

26 comments:

  1. Do you think it's scary might destroy you or scary might teach you about life? I suppose it's good to listen to your gut.

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    1. Mwa, that's the perfect question! I can't answer it yet.

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  2. I am wondering in what way it is scary? Does it go against your values? Are you unsettled because it is something that is perhaps aganst your morals? Or is something that would upset your spirit long term? Is it like watching a horror movie that is gratuitous?

    Whatever the answers are I think that at the end of the day you have to trust your gut.

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    1. Birdie, it doesn't go against my values at all, but I will steeped in such sadness and I'm not sure I'm ready for that. Plus I have to make sure the human aspects of the job are compatible, and can work together well. I don't have enough info on that yet. I need to walk through a few more doors to really know what I'm dealing with. xo

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    2. Sadness is a tricky one, isn't it? I know when I watch anything about the Holocaust I get really, really sad and dismayed. Same goes for any crimes against humanity. But I think it is important that I find a balance between not putting my head in the sand and being well informed.
      What about this thought? Because you are so sensitive will you be able to offer a different view on the telling of this story? You would definitely need to practice a lot of self-care and have someone to share your emotions with when you are feeling overwhelmed and sad.
      Whatever you decide, I hope you are at peace with your decision.

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  3. I honestly think you already know the answer¨! the devise " let sleeping dogs lie" must surely come to your mind. Why torture oneself simply for a job. The right one will most certainly come along, one without doubts and "second thoughts".


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    1. Anonymous, welcome. I wish you'd signed your name so I could greet you by it. You're right, of course. Not taking the job is just as valid a decision as taking it. Maybe I intuitively know it will stand in the way of something else I will want to do more. Maybe, maybe. I think I was just processing out loud in this post.

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    2. Please, please Follow your Intuition. So important, but then you know this. Nothing wrong about processing, to the contrary. It helps elimate uncertain feelings and leads to a decision which is right for oneself. I wish you peaceful moments, searching moments when you will decidely know which step to take.
      This is my VERY first time to comment on a blog! I just felt I HAD to.

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    3. Anonymous, I appreciate your taking the effort to comment, your first time! I will follow my intuition. I'd love to know more about you, and hope you return.

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    4. Having broken the "fear" barrier, I will definitely return. Thank-you for encouraging me.I wish you every sucess. I can't explain why your dilema "bothers" me . I am somehow getting "bad vibes".I know you will sort this out in your favour.

      -Irish Celt

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  4. I hope you get the information you need so that you can be more settled about your choice. I don't like making decisions on too little knowledge. I find your answer to Anonymous interesting, that perhaps you were processing out loud - I talk to myself (out loud) when I get into a difficult decision because it does the same thing for me! (no blog here)

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    1. jenny_o, i am glad you come around, blog or no blog. you make this place that much warmer for your presence here. i am still weighing what to do, but may have get some professional guidance soon. fingers crossed! xo

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  5. Man, I don't know. Seems the anxiety is sweeping through a whole bunch of us right now. Somebody turned up the dial.


    I feel the sadness and anxiety and doubt, too.

    The worm will turn. In the meantime, indulge yourself, be gentle, hide if that's what you need, go still, go silent, but keep your eyes open, keep watching. Be curious about it, rather than making up your mind about any particular aspect.

    And know there's all this love for you, all for you and just for you, coming in from all directions.


    trus' and believe that.

    love,

    Scott

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    1. Dear Scott, somebody turned up the dial indeed. I was going along fine for a while, and then suddenly, the old doubts, the old fears. but your comment helps tremendously, the company, the understanding, the reminder that this too sadness and anxiety will pass, and in its place will be the goodness that is always there. I love this: Be curious rather than making up your mind--yes, let it unfold, and the way forward will be clear. Thank you, dear friend. xo

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  6. I think you know what you want to do. And remember what Elizabeth said a little while back? "Never make a decision out of fear?"
    Not that I could ever follow that advice but...
    I have no idea what to tell you but I'll just say that I love you which you know, and that whichever choice you make, it'll be okay.

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    1. Mary, i think i know, but there is more to learn, and it may change my mind. i have to be open still, not close off the path prematurely. Never make a decision out of fear--thanks for that reminder! Money fear is the worst, the most insidious, and it lies to us so seductively. I need to trust myself and our family's future. i wonder where i got the idea that i have to carry all the money worry for the family? my son is the same way, and i know he got it from me. maybe it's just the way we are made. my husband and daughter manage to be quite chilled out most of the time. I want that.

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  7. These decisions are so hard, especially when you do freelance work and don't really know where your next project will come from or when. I've been a consultant for 22 years and it doesn't get easier to have the faith but the gut IS always there and as Scott said, if you get quiet, you'll know. Good luck.

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    1. Joanne, interestingly, work has never NOT showed up, so I don't know why I carry such doubt. But you seem to understand. Thanks for the good wishes! xo

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  8. I wish for you an epiphany but in the meantime your "mired in shoulds" reminds me of how the social workers at outpatient would say "stop shouldin' all over yourself" and while it was very helpful it was also giggle-worthy. "Oh man, you are shouldin' all over the place" they would say and we'd all giggle like 3rd graders with a new poop joke. :) I hope your shoulds are replaced with spacious, breathtaking "cans" and "mights" and "coulds."

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    1. HBF, shouldin' all over the place! I love that! Yes, let's stop doing that, okay? xo

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  9. Well, I'm wondering if the answer lies even in that photo you posted with your mysterious words and raw emotions. I'm just wandering. On another note, have you ever thrown the I Ching? I find it immensely helpful in ordering one's thoughts and leading to new insights.

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    1. Elizabeth, I should look into the I Ching. It sounds like right up my alley, except I am very, very suggestible. Is that a problem you think?

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  10. Sometimes it helps to step away for a while and create a distance. For a few days or maybe just a night. Emptying your mind, shutting out the if and but thoughts. Just for a while, mind you.

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    1. Sabine, I am going to do exactly that. my sweet girl is home this weekend and I'm not going to think about this at all. Time enough next week! xo

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  11. Is there a way you can gather more information about the project to help you see it more clearly? Maybe it's just a matter of having another meeting or a lunch with the participants and learning more about it. Maybe...?

    Otherwise, the advice above is good -- rest with the possible decisions for a while and see which one rises to the surface.

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  12. Breathe, step away, then follow your gut...This generally works for me. Hugs and thanks for your compliment today.

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