It's really an unbearable feeling to be sick of yourself but to be unable to get away from yourself. I lose myself in work, not sure if I'm hitting the mark, but trying, and trying again. I imagine hiding myself away to avoid imposing myself on the world. I feel as if my very being is an affront. I know this is crazy talk. Believe me, I know. There is still a part of my brain that stands aside and sees clearly that no one is thinking about me that deeply, no one really cares how I move through the world, many are too busy wondering what the world is thinking about them. Oh, the absurd tragedy of this mortal coil. And yet, in this body, I still get to hold my children close and breathe in the intoxicating belovedness of them, and that makes being in this broken shell I inhabit worth enduring.
We went out to a soul food dinner in Harlem with my daughter and her love, and his mother and sister, to celebrate his sister's birthday last night. In the restaurant, Melba's, there was a brand new oil painting in the dining room, of our newest Supreme Court Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson. I love our pride in her, the joy we take in her achievement, and how stellar she truly is. And dinner was big fun, with the entire dining room pausing to surprise our guest of honor with a rousing round of Happy Birthday, the African American version, as the waiters processed in with a slice of red velvet cake with a lit candle on top of it. My daughter's sister to be, a kind soul, beamed with surprise. It was a moment. Afterwards, though, I got up from the table and could hardly walk. My left leg hurt something fierce, the entire length of it, and I hobbled out of there in what I thought was a most ungainly fashion, though I must have played it off somehow as no one really noticed. Or maybe they just refrained from commenting.
This morning, despite eating lightly yesterday, the scale has added two pounds, and my head feels like it's stuffed with cotton (there were margaritas involved last night), and its muggy and hot in my house because the cherry on top, the AC conked out last night, or rather, it kept working but water was pouring from it onto our bedroom floor. Whine, whine, whine. I'm going to stop here and go make myself a cup of Jamaican Blue Mountain coffee and try to reset this day. This earth school we share is not for faint hearts, aching bodies, or obsessive, catastrophic minds. But look at this beautiful crew.
Once again, you have said exactly how I feel. I am an affront to humanity. Why do we do this, sweet sister? We are not and we are loved. It would be so much easier to ignore our physical selves without the aches and the pains, the sudden stabbings out of nowhere and if we were more like what our culture says we should be, shape and form-wise.
ReplyDeleteWell. Here we are. Attending our classes at earth school, day in, day out.
What a beautiful portrait of Ketanji Brown Jackson. What a beautiful portrait of a family. And my greedy little pig self would love to know what all was on your plates at that restaurant.
I stopped going to Marc's big extended family extravaganzas several years ago. they all live in Dallas and I don't really know the younger generations beside the expense. small gatherings are good and it sounds like you had a lovely evening but so sorry to hear that your leg is paining you.
ReplyDeleteI've put on several pounds myself. the new shorts I bought yesterday I bought the size I always do and they are a tad snug but the next size up would have been too big I think. anyway, I plan to drop those few extra pounds and then problem solved. hahahahaha.
So lovely to see your family gathering. Love is what life is all about. That is such a wonderful photo of you with the Ketanji Brown Jackson painting. The perfect pairing of such beautiful successful women.
ReplyDeleteI know the feeling well. I'm tired of myself, too. I don't feel so much that I'm an affront to humanity. I'm an affront to myself. I feel you. On the other hand....you have a beautiful and loving family to which you are not an affront.
ReplyDeleteMy lord woman, you are hard on yourself. You are made of stardust, remember?
ReplyDeleteEarth school can be so challenging. Thank goodness for love and beauty. You are generous in the way you share both here.
ReplyDeleteI feel your pain about the air conditioner. Ours is in the basement (fortunately) but it's peeing water all over the place. Could be low freon, could be frozen coils. The tech we talked to today said we need to quit using it, so if it is the coils, they can thaw out before he gets here. It's going to be 100 degrees tomorrow! 100!
ReplyDeleteDo you know why your leg hurts like that? Can it be fixed? Were you sitting on a hard chair? I can't do that anymore, sends the sharp knives down the leg.
You look totally and completely lovely next to KBJ.
Oh I hope you feel better quickly! I think you are so wonderful. ❤️
ReplyDeleteYour final two sentences are both profoundly true.
ReplyDeleteAnd I would love to sit with you and gently ask you if you would ever say those other things about any of the people you love because I am sure you would not, and because you would not, why would you even think them about your sweet self who brings so much to the world? ... sending love, my friend.
Wishing you peace, Rosemarie. XXOO
ReplyDeleteI heard no whining, just a sorting of internal thoughts, and a recital of facts including physical pain and equipment malfunction. Coping in that heat and humidity takes it out of all of us. Olivia
ReplyDeleteAs many of us, I have been down there where you describe yourself as being just now. But I climbed out, and you will. If nothing else, your family and your work will hold you up. I so wish I could help, as I have been helped. But, in the end, it is all good.
ReplyDeleteI have a brand new metal knee as of two weeks ago. Spending much time waving the leg in the air, icing it down, putting support hose on it. A huge nuisance, but. But. Six month from now I will be walking well and all this will be a memory. This surgery is my second knee replacement and so I know I can do this. If your knee continues to give problems, it is worth considering this surgery. Truly.
Sending warm thoughts and best wishes.