The breakup of a decades long friendship can shatter the heart as severely and painfully as breaking up with a lover on whom you projected your hopes and dreams. Some friendships, the most intimate and significant ones, are repositories of our hopes and dreams, too. These friends are people with whom we wore no social masks, we felt able to be our fullest and most authentic selves with them, and when that suddenly breaks down, for reasons that are devilishly difficult to grasp, the hurt and sense of betrayal can leave us reeling. Figuratively bleeding. My son went through the unraveling of such a friendship two years ago. There was some mental illness involved, and it was heartbreaking and apparently irrevocable. I don't think any of us have yet gotten over it.
Now my daughter is reeling, too, because a woman she considered to be "her person," a primary relationship since childhood, has pulled away, apparently feeling that my daughter has not involved her sufficiently in wedding planning. Of course, that may not be the heart of what is happening at all. Who knows what deeper conscious and unconscious stories are at play here? I certainly don't. But on the surface of things, this friend plans lavish weddings for a living, and my daughter decided to give her a break from all that, to not lean on her in that way, which she felt would have been taking advantage of their friendship. There's probably a seed of something deeper in that my girl also felt that with her friend's expertise involved, she might lose sight of her own wishes and vision for her ceremony.
And then there is another friend who my daughter grew close to during the two years she lived in Boston, and I'm surmising that her longtime friend might be feeling a bit displaced by that new friendship, even though my daughter loves this woman she came of age with as devotedly as ever. I can't really explain it all, not even to myself, because I can't for the life of me fathom how these two beautiful and once happily loving friends came to this. Through tears, my daughter told me yesterday, "I don't know if we can get back to what we were, but I want to know that I did everything in my power to try for that." Sadly, her friend has resorted to passive aggressive (my assessment) vagueness and social distance and as my girl put it, "She won't even get in the ring with me."
I guess what this post is really about is the fact that my daughter's heart is absolutely breaking, and I don't know how to help her. And when your child's heart is breaking, your own heart feels like splintered shards of glass in your chest, and somehow, you have to keep on breathing through it, trusting that eventually, your child will pick her way through the minefield, regain a more certain footing, and even if the friendship she so cherished is never the same, even if it is lost completely, she will find herself again, and be okay.
It's hard. People behave in the most inexplicable ways. I have high school friends that I miss to this day, but they're gone, no forwarding address available. I'm so sorry on behalf of your kids, it really is hard.
ReplyDeleteVery few can walk the whole way. And those few can't always help in the ways they would like to help. Those few will be there for your daughter and son always, just as you are there for them.
ReplyDeleteI hear you. I have adult children who have, over the years, had break-ups of profound dismay to them. I am proud to say that they rode the waves, and, I think, are better and stronger people because of it.
ReplyDeleteI also feel very sorry for anyone who, having been close to either of my glorious and wonderful daughters, is no longer there. Their loss!!!
Your two are resilient, young, and have you. You will see how strong they are. But, yes, it hurts not to be able to fix it. As if they were three and had a skinned kneed. Yes.
You are the best mother for your daughter. Keep remembering that. No one told us how difficult parenting would be -- like -- forever. Their hearts, our hearts -- so intertwined.
ReplyDeleteI read once that as a parent you were only as happy as your saddest child - what hurts them hurts us . I am three weeks into ending a friendship with a woman who I valued , saw and spoke to daily and who hurt me deeply in the days leading up to the first anniversary of my husbands death . I cannot move on from the hurt , so I have chosen to move away from her . I hope your daughter finds some peace
ReplyDeleteSiobhan
This, too, is part of life. Both the unraveling of a deep friendship and watching your child go through one of those unravelings. Both of those things are hard but we survive. I like what Elizabeth said. You are indeed the best mother for your daughter.
ReplyDeleteYou are a good listener for your daughter. People come and go in our lives and sometimes come back again. Who knows what the future holds. Hope your daughter can let her friend go and take comfort from the friends still near.
ReplyDeletebeen there, when your best friend/s suddenly shun you with no explanation. I wasn't blameless but neither was I completely to blame and it was shattering. how can you try to mend something when the other person has removed themselves from your life. what got me through was the loyalty and of other friends who stood fast. what I learned and finally took to heart and let go was that some of the people who come into your life do not stay. their purpose is brief or long but when that purpose has been fulfilled, they move on. or you do.
ReplyDeleteI had a best friend of 30 years who broke up with me, today it would be called ghosted. I had seen her do it to other friends but never thought she would do it to me. It hurt for a long, long time and I still miss having a friend who knew me so well. I tend to be loyal to a fault and she broke my heart.
ReplyDeleteI hope your daughter is OK and I hope her friend will actually talk to her about it, openly and honestly.
Oh, this is so hard. So, so very painful and hard. This will, as you know, take some time. We have been through a friendship breakup with our two closest friends--and by extension, another couple in our circle. We didn't speak for four years. It was excruciating and I spent many therapy sessions analyzing what happened -- or trying to. We were able to make amends and things are better, but it will never be what it was as the silence of those four years is still palpable. I'll be keeping your girl in my thoughts. This is really difficult and I'm just so sorry she is experiencing this.
ReplyDeleteA word or two of encouragement…I believe that one can never lose a TRUE friend. My 100-year-old friend (30 years my senior ) said to me years ago, “Never apologize to me, I’m your friend. You don’t have to.” This was said after I needed to curtail my weekly visits with her due to family illness. I loved her company! Thank heavens for wise “old lady” friends.
ReplyDeleteUnfortunately, weddings and funerals often bring out the worst in people when friends need them to bring their best.
Finally, I cannot comprehend “friends “. saying and doing hurtful things to a “friend “. Advice to friends….Be the balm, not the baseball bat! Peace will come.
Saundra