I'm going through a period in which I just feel sort of dull, which I hate to say is how I generally feel when not stressed to the max. I'm content in general, though not with the physical state of my body (stiffness and aches everywhere), but work is in a very gentle phase right now, slipping into my queue at regular intervals, a story or two from the magazine to edit each day, first pass pages to give a final read, an hours long video call with the editor of the book I just wrote that's coming out next March, in which we organized the order of images for the 16-page photo insert, some fifty pictures in all, for which I will now have to write captions. None of this brings the crashing anxiety of a blank screen and a whole book to bring into being from scratch, and yet that is when I feel most fully engaged with the work I am privileged to do in this life, most inside my being, not aimless and dull.
As I wait for the hoped-for next project to come online (have faith, my mother would say), I sit in front of the big window in my light filled living room, doing gentle work, thankful for my life, and the people in it, yet dreaming of being at that table on a verandah in the hills of my island home, or visiting that yellow house in whatever corner of the planet it exists, and generally being out in the world, the way my friend who just hiked to Machu Picchu in Peru is, instead of sitting inside my house, living inside my head, waiting for the next rush of contracted terror and adrenaline, and calling it purpose.
So the midterms, they gave me some hope. The 24/7 media had us believing that most of America is made up of would be MAGA insurrectionists when in fact most of America voted in repudiation of facism, and threw down the gauntlet for democracy. Some of the margins were razor thin, it's true, and that's still concerning, but I believe we dodged a bullet, installing governors and secretaries of state in most of the battleground states who will fight for the integrity of our elections, despite gerrymandered maps and continued efforts at voter suppression. I hope this means that fairness and decency will prevail in 2024, and in the meantime, Dems won the Senate, which means they will be able to appoint more judges who might actually care to uphold the rule of law, and that's a much-needed thing.
I ran across a quote that stuck to me back when I was a teenager. "I live in a small house, but I look out on a very big world." It occurs to me now that there are worlds within, and worlds without, and at the moment, I am in limbo between them. But Thanksgiving is around the corner. The first of our houseguests, my cousin from Trinidad, arrived this week. She is as easy to have as a true sister.
My diagnosis is ennui, my prescription, go outside, go for a short walk, go out for lunch with friends, see a movie. I have the same diagnosis right now, winter is upon us, the cold and the snow, short, dark days, stuck inside. I'm not a fan.
ReplyDeleteHopefully the next book comes soon and fills you up. I've been busy this week fixing things up for my father in law, a quilt, a table, a chair, a light. Small things but they bring me some small measure of joy, I feel useful.
Once again, I feel I know what you are feeling. That Limbo. Is this where I'm supposed to be? Meanwhile, a friend who moved to Mexico because she fell in love with it, is having her seventieth birthday today and she and her beloved are taking a balloon ride over the landscape she loves so much. I think of how much I admire her spirit and her joy in her life and I wonder- when did I crawl into this so small space?
ReplyDeleteAy. Sorry. But I know. I know. And yes- here comes Thanksgiving and the world will always be so very big.
I hope your next project comes and sparks in you a wonderful overflow of creativity and joy. It will happen. I know it will.
ReplyDeleteI am so grateful for the election outcome. The latest news from the House of Reps is that the Republicans may want to talk about Hunter Biden. Interestingly, that made me feel safe, if that's all they have to talk about. Such idiocy.
Now we have the holiday season to come and prepare us for cozy winter time with family and friends.
I feel the Limbo, too. Everything seems "willed" -- sigh. Your pictures, though, are gorgeous -- even your interiors. They radiate goodness, and I know you feel those things. I'm sending you hugs and love.
ReplyDeleteThat's just winter for me. So much of my life is lived outside and in winter that is diminished. I would love to be on a beach in Cozumel but I'm not ready to face what airline travel has become. If it would just get out of the 40s and 50s or the wind would die down and the sun come out.
ReplyDeleteRepublicans took the House, they haven't even taken possession yet and already are setting up investigations into Hunter Biden and the president as well and Pelosi and the DOJ and the FBI and gloating about it. These are ridiculous fishing expeditions since there are no whistle blowers or evidence of any wrongdoing, retaliation, vendetta even, for Trump's 2 impeachments, the arrests and trials and jail sentences of the J6 insurgents, and the FBI's search and seizure of stolen classified documents. After telling us for over a year what a failure Biden has been re inflation and the border, suddenly, republicans aren't concerned about that anymore. Who could have guessed?
When I read that bit about the solstice, I thought of both of us. Makes so much sense and maybe I just need to lean into it. Sending hugs.
ReplyDeleteOh yes. The snow is down here, and while we have had the road plowed, and my work with refugee families learning English is taking me ouit of the house, I hear you. Four months ahead before I can sit in any comfort on my porch and listen to the woodland. Four months of boots and lack of light.
ReplyDeleteIt sounds to me as if you are having a needed breather, and that your world, adrenalin rush and swirl of beautiful young people will happen again soon.
It's dark at 4:30 now - I'll be happy to see more sun. The House is already on course to "investigate" Hunter's laptop. I wish these people could quit being so evil.
ReplyDeleteYour apartment is so beautiful! Much sunnier and nicer than where I lived in NYC. :) I too was given hope by the mid-terms. Most people repudiated Trumpism and election denial and that's such a relief. I mean, Lauren Boebert won her very red district, but only BARELY -- which ought to be a wake-up call to her.
ReplyDeleteWell, things will get busier with Thanksgiving this week and then the holidays zooming in on us soon! You have more family (in-laws!) to juggle and fit in to your holiday schedules. So you will be very busy soon and wondering how the time flew by!
ReplyDeleteI love that quote. I hope you had a good thanksgiving.
ReplyDeleteThat is a great Quote and I hope that the period in Limbo has you coming out on the other side of it in a good Space in every way. The Elections were concerning and especially in our State of AZ, we had a lot of Extremists running, but they Lost and of coarse won't concede, as has become the habit of the Far Right who are trying to overthrow a Democracy and install their version of Fascism. It is refreshing to know that most Americans appreciate what we have enough to protect it and do their part to preserve it. Since all it takes for evil to prevail is that good people do nothing.
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