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| Photo by Andy Marcus |
What is it when you feel you need another blog to say the things you don't feel you can say on the perfectly good blog that you have? Does that mean those things should remain unsaid, or that you should find another more appropriate forum to deal with them? Like therapy, maybe? I'm stuck. I'm feeling things I can't quite work out. I don't have the luxury of being self-destructive or escapist until I can figure them out. Mostly, I want to go somewhere and hide. It is such a tremendous effort to push myself out of bed and face the world every day. I know the obvious thought is that I am depressed. But that feels too simple. I am
tired. Down to my bones. I am tired of the wheel I am on. I am tired of the body I am in. I am tired of doing the same job day after day. I am tired of working so hard and still being poor. I'm tired of feeling as if I have to hold some unknown looming disaster at bay. I want to be somewhere else, doing something else but I don't know what and I don't have the time or mind space to find out so I stay the course because I dare not jeopardize the paycheck. About the only thing I am not tired of is my family, most especially my husband and my two children. But I need a break. And not just a break where I stay in my house and commune with myself, though that has its virtues. I want to go to the other side of the world. I want to go there with my husband and also my children if they're not in school or spending summer in the woods and I want us to discover things. I want us to be able to
afford to discover things. I want the love of my life to be less stressed out by his job, I want him to feel easy and carefree as he laughs with me and holds my hand as we explore the other side of the world. And I don't want to wonder any more about the new boss who will be announced one day soon who will sweep in and make over the magazine, hiring and firing as she goes. I don't want to worry if I'll fit the picture she has in her head of where we go from here. But this is ultimately pointless and leads nowhere and it's time to get back to work. Don't worry about me, beloveds. I just needed to vent.
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| Snow in Bryant Park |
So. I had decided not to put up this post which I wrote yesterday afternoon because, well, how do you post anything but lightness above those beautiful children and their heart-stopping dances. But it turns out this post showed up in Google reader anyway, so here it is. It was true in the moment that I wrote it, but as is the case when one releases pressurized steam, it was less true after. All the same, yesterday I thought about closing down my blog with the photos of those passionate young dancers the last thing people would see. It would have been so worthy. But I need this place. It keeps me sane. I know that sounds like an overstatement, but it is actually not. Today it is snowing again with an ice storm expected later. Tomorrow's forecast is for slushy rain. It is a relief, almost a comfort really, when the weather outside mirrors the weather within. And now, it's time to roll out and meet my day.
