That's what my work table looks like today. I'm writing Chapter 5 on my own machine while next to it, the laptop loaned to me by the magazine for which I edit, is being remotely controlled by a tech person. In my peripheral vision, I see the cursor whizzing and zig zagging across the screen, opening and closing layers upon layers of windows, occasionally pausing for me to type in a user name or password, before the little white arrow goes careening off again. In a season of layoffs, it seems I've been retained, because they are updating my machine's operating system and installing the new InCopy/In Design software as well.
When I'm scarce here, it could be I'm having a good run with the book, and all my wordsmithing mojo is going there. That's the best case scenario. It could also be that I'm busy with the mundane errands of personal or household care, or I'm hosting house guests, or I'm doing whatever else requires my attention. The last few weeks, for example, in between top editing stories for the latest issue of the magazine, I've been doing new interviews for the book, running down those elements of the story that aren't quite yet in view. An agent once told me that if you're having trouble writing, it's because you don't have enough information, and ever since he said that, it's never not been true.
Lately, though, my silence here could also be because I'm just too heartsick or numbed out by the daily avalanche of disturbing news to form a useful thought about any of it. You know, I was about to tell you about two troubling items I read yesterday, and suddenly, I felt utterly depleted of the energy to go into it, to rehash the appallingness of it, and so I'm going to just let it go, and focus instead on all the marches that happened across the country yesterday, protesting the evil twin presidents, and tell you that the kids and their loves and the nieces, and Dolores, too, are all coming over for a Survivor watch party when the new season drops next week.
In a world where everyone seems to be just hunkered down, that's a bright spot that keeps me looking up. We can still gather with one another and order pizzas and watch a reality TV fastasy and talk and laugh and hold each other and revel in just being together. Lately, when I hug my children hello or goodbye, I take a good deep whiff of them, storing up their essence with all my senses. It's what gets me through.
This is one of my favorite photos of my beloveds, taken at our daughter's bridal shower last June. And now, every pair in that photo is married. Seems my two were babies just yesterday. Life does rumble on.
"throw me in the shallow water before I get too deep", and that is how I am coping these days- skimming the surface. Your work area baffles me! Your family charms me and gives me reason to love life even in the muddy times...your famiy shines!!
ReplyDeleteLinda Sue, skimming the surface is a good tactic. There is no bottom where this crew is concerned. Thanks for the lovely words about my family but genuinely curious, why does my work space baffle you?
DeleteWith you, dear.
ReplyDeleteSadly watching many friends and neighbors (near DC) waiting for the shoe to drop. If I hadn't retired some years ago, I would have been laid off last week as that is what happened to the whole department I worked in--not federal employees--nonprofit folks helping to resettle refugees. Agency not paid for service rendered last quarter--just cut off. Many non-profits are dealing with the immediate loss of their cooperative agreements and grants. One of my friends who is a director was called by her boss on Friday night and told to name four people in her department to be laid off on Monday. She cried all weekend. One of my sons has resigned, another is military and a daughter is a federal contractor--holding her breath. So yes, sometimes it is just too much.
Jesuit Tom Reese laid it out succinctly in this post:
https://www.ncronline.org/opinion/guest-voices/trump-destroyer-worlds
Dear Mary, I know the dance you’re doing, trying to hold space for friends and loved ones in the line of fire. I too have family members who are waiting for the axe to fall. Thanks for the link, I’m off to read!
DeleteThat's what I'm focusing on, too. The helpers. And doing my best to be one of them. No effort too small. Focusing on obstacles to the chaos is keeping me sane while acutely aware of the chaos. Always grateful for your presence. Good to know things are moving along in your current book project.
ReplyDeleteAm, look for the helpers. Be one of the helpers. Yes. This.
DeleteYour family is beautiful. Glad your work is going well.
ReplyDeleteI feel the same way you do about the terrible things happening in our country. I'm keeping up to date on what is going on and am glad to read about people that are making a difference. I hope this current president and his horrible people can be stopped.
Ellen, the courts are trying to stand in the breach, but it remains to be seen how effective they will ultimately be. But I take heart in every person who sees clearly, as you do, that we're in crisis, because there are many people who think 47 is doing a good job. They don't understand that unless they're part of his billionaire class, the pain is coming for them, too.
DeleteWe cannot sink into the deep dark mud of it. I think that's what they want. But honestly- I have no idea. All I know is that I do what is before me and that's what you're doing too. We are loving our families. We are doing the work put before us. We are holding out hands for each other. We are stopping to take in whatever beauty presents itself. Or at least, we are trying.
ReplyDeleteLove you, dear.
Dear Mary, part of the beauty and truth that remains is in this place. It's why I love visiting you, because I will find truth and also love there, in how your family holds each other. And yes, right now, the call is to do the next indicated thing. We keep on. Love you back.
DeleteI know what you mean. Just heartsick about what is happening, so many lives upended, jobs lost, the loss of a government that cares about people and strives to make sure stuff out there is safe, the realignment away from our allies and towards those who would steamroll over any and all perceived as weaker. It's sickening. It's a good time to be retired...so far. Though our quality of life will change if they decimate SS. Loving and being close to those we love is about all we can do. Glad to hear the magazine has kept you on.
ReplyDeleteellen, i think we cannot even begin to imagine just how much pain has been inflicted, not just here, but across the world. we have completely lost our moral authority. we have abandoned not just our own citizens, but allies across the globe. and for what? so that a few men can amass more wealth than they can possibly spend in a lifetime? Girl, don't get me started.
DeleteAs a neighbour over the northern border, I’m simultaneously transfixed in horror - but also trying to not watch too much. I’m offended by that man’s comments about my country - and also fearful of actions he may take, or encourage against us. I’m a proud possessor of a “Canada is Not For Sale” tuque - and happy to act as a loving Canadian Auntie to American friends in need of female healthcare.
ReplyDeleteMostly, I think I feel sadness.
Mrs F with 4, you commented! Yay, i love seeing you here! It is ludicrous what that man keeps insisting, the lies he spouts about Canada *wanting* to be the 51st state. I love how robustly our neighbors to the north are resisting. Loving Canadian aunties may be more needed that we can even fathom in this moment.
DeleteAppreciating that helpers comment too (and remembering Mr. Rogers).
ReplyDeletedb, that am always gets to the heart of things. The helpers will be our salvation.
DeleteIt always is fascinating to watch someone else zinging around your 'desktop'. Hope the update goes well and nothing new is too daunting.
ReplyDeleteAnd, yes, the news is daunting and we cannot control that desktop either. We are, up here, waiting for the tarriff shoe to drop. But, stubborn resisters as we are, the '51st state' is never, never going to happen, so take that, orange demolisher.
Love the protest marches too. Thanks, American friends.
Family. What matters. Working. Also matters. May your words flow well.
Thank you for this fine wish, Mary G. You definitely know what matters at the core. Family. Work. We abide.
DeleteI just read an article about the dumbest imperial collapse in history. It boggles the mind.
ReplyDeleteKeep your family and friends close. Sending hugs and love.
Pixie, that's what's so mind-bending about everything that is happening. It's all just so dumb. Yet he thinks he's a genius, that one. Hope you're doing well, friend.
DeleteAcross the Atlantic, we have our own nasty storm gaining strength. I am struggling with priorities and where and how I should, need, must, will become part of a struggle. I know that it's inevitable and that it will involve more than lamenting and clicking on petitions. I wish I would not know this.
ReplyDeleteOh Sabine, my childhood friend, who lived down the street from me on magical Paddington Terrace, for which this blog is named, now lives in Germany with her husband, who is German. She is like a sister, and she has been telling me what is happening there. There is an ill wind about in the world, hard to tell where it begins and ends, but we will all have to play our part in clearing this murky air. Sending love, friend.
DeleteI like your agent's insight that when you have trouble writing, you don't have enough information. That's been exactly my experience, too. It's a good warning sign for any writer!
ReplyDelete