Thursday, April 10, 2014

Setting Free the Fears

My cousin Helen teaches me not to care so much. About anything. She helps me tune in to what I am feeling, the truth of it, she helps me welcome it so that it can move right on through. She helps me release fear, sorrow, attachment. She is really a powerfully aware soul, and this morning, once again, she popped up at a moment when I really needed her, even though neither of us really knew it at first. This was our exchange over text this morning (Helen's texts are in italics):


Hi cuz, sorry I didn't make it to the funeral. I heard it was lovely.

We missed your spirit made of light but I fully understood. Douglas explained how crunched everything was. And that Matthew* was leaving for England. Woo hoo! He wants this, right? [*Matthew is Helen's son.]

Oh yes! He cried when he had to come back at the end of November and has been plotting his return ever since. How was your trip to St. Lucia? It was a busy week for you, too, I would imagine. Then coming straight back into a houseful with the funeral posse. You rejuvenating this week?

[No answer]

Hello my love. Can you call me when you have a minute please? You busy or hiding?

LOL. Not hiding. Trying to catch up after two weeks of working on the funeral and St. Lucia business. I have so much work that is not attached to pay. What is up with that?? Was on the phone with Aunt Grace. She was crying because Gloria is so confused and Beulah so out of it.

Hush, no hurry here. Was just reaching out. You looked tired and strained in some of the pics D. posted from the funeral weekend. Sending you love.

On a good note, much of what I was feeling before the funeral seems to have been created by my fearful beleaguered brain. The mists have cleared. It amazes me the stories we (I) create, how harshly I treat myself, how much I spiral when faced with all I cannot control. My new ebook came out today. I don't know if I will tell the family as they might not appreciate my writing about daddy's drinking. I know I won't tell my mom who is way too frail now. Kafka said to write is to reveal oneself excessively. How is your self-revelation (writing) going?

Congrats on your ebook! I have not been writing the book. Been thinking about it as my deadline was the end of this month. Lots shifting this week as I am still and re grounding after much activity and traveling in the last month. Will recommit and move forward.

I am in the same place. Re grounding. Yes. Let me know how I can help with the writing. No guilt. No pressure. The deadline can be adjusted. Enjoy the process. You are a gift.


Downloaded your book. Enjoying it immensely! I urge you to share it proudly and publicly with family and everyone and allow those who are led to experience what you share.

Awww. Thanks Helen! But you didn't get to the drinking chapter yet.

I'm reading it now! I think you have created stories in your head about what people (family) will think of these stories.

Always with the stories LOL. You don't think family members will be offended that I wrote about Daddy's alcoholism?

Heck no! Would you like to do a session?

[No answer]

Let me put it differently. When can you do a session?

I probably need to but no. I just want to barrel through the rest of the week getting back on top of things. Feel taped together and not ready to sift through it all. Still in the middle of things. Need to clear out Aunt Winnie's house today.

You doing that by yourself?

The first part, yes. Pearl* is trying to get in there to clear it out and that's fine but my mom's stuff from her apartment is there and also lots of papers that the lawyer might need and I just need to go through it first. [*Winnie's daughter. She is an addict. Pearl is not her real name.]

Ok. Are you the executor of her will?

Winsome is. I'm backup. Meeting with the lawyer tomorrow. Gathering paperwork today.

God bless you and Winsome. It's been a labor of love.

A labor of love except for the Pearl part.

Yes...she was a life lesson, grow your soul part.

Ahhh Helen. I am resisting that lesson yet. Pearl is at the moment banging on my door and I am not answering. This had been going on since 7:30 a.m. An hour.

What? Wow. No words.

[At this point she called me on the phone. I let it go to voicemail.]

Can't answer cause I'm in here being quiet. I cannot deal with Pearl without preparing myself. She cannot just show up here before day like that. She did that for so many years high and demanding money. I think I have PTSD where she is concerned. She unsettles me deeply. A lot went on with her and Aunt Winnie and now I just don't want to deal. Yet.

You don't have to answer your door and you don't have to hide in your house. She can't break down your door. Tell her through the door to come back later. If she throws a tantrum, call the police.

May I call you in an hour?

Go to the back room and call me from there. She won't hear you.


And thus began a conversation in which she led me deep into my feelings about my cousin Pearl and all that had transpired over the years, and then she guided me to releasing her, which meant I had to release my anger at her, my sadness about her life, my vision of her as both victim and persecutor. She said until I released her I was keeping her energetically tied to me, and that it was a kindness to her and to myself to let her go and and whenever she came up in my thoughts in the future I should simply send her beams of loving light and keep right on moving. She did a guided exercise with me to help me release my negative attachment to our cousin and the crazy thing is, as soon as I said, "I release her," Pearl stopped banging on my door and walked away down the hallway and I heard the elevator bell ring as the doors opened. It was the darndest thing.

And then it started to seem so supremely silly that I had not just opened the door and told Pearl to come back later after I had had a chance to go through the papers. And my attachment to everything in Aunt Winnie's house seemed to be broken, too, because I suddenly didn't care one iota what Pearl wanted to do over there. Aunt Winnie is gone. I can stop trying to protect her. Nothing can hurt her now.

That Helen. She is a master manifester, even though she says it's me who manifested, me who released the ties, me who set myself free.

If you ever need a powerful life coach, Helen is here.


  1. Everyone needs a cousin like yours.

  2. @Lisa, my thoughts, exactly. Angella, your family...i am so envious, and yet, happy for you that you have such incredible support & love. and...i'll be checking out that ebook :)

  3. Wow, what an amazing and beautiful story. Helen sounds like an angel. I'm glad you had her divine intervention today when you needed it.

  4. Oh my oh my, how much wisdom in this post. In you and Helen! The stories in our heads--yes, we make them up, and torment ourselves with them. And she is right, they are just that, just stories that aren't true. I think you are so brave and so RIGHT to write about your family with honesty. Honesty is the only true way to honor a person. As for letting Pearl go--I had to do this recently with someone in my life. It was such an enormous weight off my entire life. I'm happy you have done it as well. So much goodness from this interaction between you and Helen. For all of us.

  5. It's amazing how things can open up for us in strangely miraculous ways when we need them to. A dream, a vision, a phone call...
    This could be a short story, this post. Of course, it would barely be believable, especially that ending. Which is the funny thing about life which is so very often much stranger than fiction.
    I am grateful for Helen's presence in your life today. I am grateful for your presence in mine.

  6. love this. it's wonderful how a simple interaction can teach you so much.

  7. I agree that this could be a story in itself. I have so many thoughts, so many areas where I could relate, so many reactions to what a late winter/spring you have had. But I will leave them be, and know that I am thinking of you.

  8. I read it as a of your book.I hope you write more soon.

  9. You are both amazing. And it is so interesting that in letting Pearl go, you have begun letting Winnie go, too. Indeed, nothing can hurt her now.


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