I'm so lonely. When I'm working, especially under the pressure of a tight deadline, I am distracted from that, but when I stop writing, I look around myself and I feel bereft. This has nothing to do with my family. There are here and they are lovely. But my husband goes out to work all week and is quite happy to be in his home come the weekend, and my children of course have their active lives filled with friends and plans, and I am an island unto myself. Today I feel as if everyone I know is out somewhere, doing something with other people, and there is no one to call. I know this isn't true, but I am feeling friendless. My husband has been to church and he came home and made a beautiful summer salad for us, with watermelon cubes and basil and mozzarella balls and spinach leaves and cherry tomatoes, all tossed and drizzled with balsamic. Now he is dozing in front of the history channel, and I have enough presence of mind to be grateful that the man I married thirty years ago next month is content in his home. But today I have this churning inside me. Other than taking a walk, which I will do after this, I have no imagination about what to do with myself. I could go all sorts of places, but I hate how I look, and therefore don't want to bring myself to those places. So pathetic. I think this is why I am a bit of a workaholic. It allows me to escape myself for a while. But only for a while. I'm lonely. I feel lost. Today, out of nowhere, I miss my mom. At moments like this, I could always call her and feel connected to something indestructible and true. Her love for me. Mine for her. Now the tears.
Dear Angella, for a very long time after my daughter left home and on and off now, I feel just as lost. It washes over me and for a moment it is the loneliest feeling ever. I have tried and occasionally succeed to let it happen and to see it as another state of being, of being lost inside myself, one I have to learn to accept and maybe even cherish. As a first step, it helps to realise that it passes.
ReplyDeleteThere are probably so many reasons for you to feel this way, and bereavement most certainly is one of them, but in my experience, it doesn't help to dwell on them. Wait it out like a patch of clouds, a cold wind, a small tremor.
Hugs and best wishes.
"Everybody's going out and having fun. I'm a fool for staying home and having none."
ReplyDeleteRemember that song from Neil Young?
Ah, honey. We all use whatever we can to fight the feelings of loneliness and isolation, don't we? You use your work which some would call extremely healthy. I, for one.
But I understand. As humans we all have the need for connection, even those of us who are perfectly content at home piddling about doing whatever it is we do.
Will you imagine my hand in yours? Again? Always?
One more thing- Sundays. Suck. As a rule.
I love you to pieces.
I hope you will imagine this hug!
ReplyDeleteI agree with Mary...Sundays can be brutal. Your writing and feelings here made me tear up. I am with you, I was just headed to my blog to try to stream of consciousness some shit out. I hope this helped you. Sending love to you friend.
ReplyDeleteTake my hand. Let us be lost together.
ReplyDeleteSo much love to you. I wish I could come and get you and go for that walk.
I wish we lived in the same town! OH, the adventures we would find.
ReplyDeleteI so feel you. The empty, lonely time can be torture. Be kind to yourself. Be brave and stay busy, and know that you aren't ever alone *hugs* Thank you for being honest and letting me know that I'm not alone either <3
ReplyDeleteI know the feeling, too. I do. My husband and I depend on each other for most of our companionship simply because that's what we both want, but when he's home he is often in downtime mode, and I feel torn - I want to interact more but I want to give him time to renew. Sometimes it's fine, sometimes it's lonely. Today it was lonely. Hugs, my friend. I understand. And a walk is always a balm to me; I hope it helped you today.
ReplyDeleteThis profound loneliness and sense of loss are so very understandable to me. To say you are not alone in experiencing them is inescapably ironic, though I don't at all mean to be. Constant companions of the human condition. May your pain ease and your sleep be sweet.
ReplyDeleteOh dear, I'm so sorry. I hope that you are feeling better tonight. I know this feeling will pass. I think, though, that you should plan a trip away! Like here, maybe? Come visit southern California? We can sit in my house or outside by the ocean and just talk for hours and hours. We can drink coffee first and then move to wine or beer and a tasty cocktail. We can take a walk, too, but only if you're in the mood. Mostly we'll talk and laugh and maybe read aloud or something. I promise you won't feel lonely.
ReplyDeleteI can understand your feelings because i also have experienced this type of situation. I have practiced myself to get involved in some activities...
ReplyDeletePerhaps some of this has to do with your son taking a step closer to complete independence. Excitement for him can certainly mingle with a sense of loss, I'd think. In any case, I'm sorry you're feeling these feelings. :(
ReplyDeleteI feel you. It doesn't always help to know something in your head. Your body and your heart aren't always in sync. It also doesn't help to know it will pass. But, you know...it does. May it pass quickly,may you be filled with the feeling that you are perfect the way you are and that we are all right there with you and you here with us. Dear Sweet Rosemary. Sending you big hugs. XXOO
ReplyDeleteYour blog is the only blog I still check in with, every day, though I don't comment all the time. Your words always resonate with me, right to my heart. I understand how lonely being a writer, with a writer's sensitive heart, can feel. I know what it is to feel lonely in a room of people, even in a room of people that you love and love you. It's a yearning, unattached, unexplained; a little hurt in the center of the chest that doesn't go away. I get it. But your words, your beautiful writing...helps me so much. I am good when I have things to keep my mind going, but if I don't...it's despair over all the poverty in the world, how many friends and family are no longer in my life, etc. etc downward spiral.
ReplyDeleteThis may sound silly, but something that helped me out tremendously was adopting a dog. She chills me out. She gets me. She makes me laugh when I want to cry. Do you all have one? I don't want to suggest a cat because they're spiteful.
xoxo,
Chrissy
It's sad that we are our own worst enemy. We criticize ourselves, and we seclude ourselves because we are not happy with the way we look.... In realty no one cares what we look like. Do you care that the person next to you is overweight or under weight, or is wearing second hand clothing or designer brands? I would hope not. Make your self happy and go and do whatever that may be. maybe a writing retreat away from your home, just to get away. Sounds like you might have cabin fever.....
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