Mary Moon wrote the other day that when you're sad or anxious, it always helps to let a few tears out. For some reason, these synonyms made me weep a bit. Maybe I was imagining how good and grounding each of these feelings would be. I do not fear my memories. I do tend to turn trauma into story. And some days, I walk toward possibility. But those are the only synonyms of healing I can claim. I ache to experience the rest.
I am, at the moment, supposed to be writing a proposal for someone, and I am lost. I don't know what I am doing. I only know I have to have the whole thing done by the end of next week, and I am a little panicked. A lot panicked. I wish I had been secure enough not to take on this project. It's making me just a bit more crazed than the mere fact of Christmas leaves me.
Still, I got online yesterday and bought presents for everyone in one fell swoop. They are all being delivered right to my door tomorrow. Maybe that's not quite the spirit of the season, but at least holiday gifting is no longer on my list of things to stress about. Not quite a synonym for healing, but today it's what I’ve got.
Ms moon is so right let the tears fall
ReplyDeleteJohn, she is always right, isn't she?
DeleteI think the only one I can begin to feel is the same as yours. In the last few days I have been thinking a lot about what life would feel like to not be depressed or anxious or sad or overwhelmed. I can’t imagine it.
ReplyDeleteI’m grateful for you. You always make me feel less alone. And isn’t that the most basic and important thing we can offer another person on this journey?
Birdie, I am grateful for you, too. You are a force for good in our world. You have the kindest of hearts. xo
DeleteI think that probably being able to take control even when feelings tell us we cannot is a sign of healing. Like...when you're overwhelmed to the point of paralysis about Christmas shopping and then you just GET IT DONE!
ReplyDeleteI also think that turning trauma into a story is something I do a lot. I doubt I will ever be healed but any health I do have, emotionally speaking, has a lot to do with that. I don't necessarily fear my memories, either, although sometimes I wonder if I only let myself remember the ones I can deal with.
As to the rest of them- well- who can possibly feel that the world is a soft and safe place now? What woman ever feels at home in her body for any extended period of time? Becoming friends with my mind? Not while it makes me so crazy! (That's supposed to be funny.) And feeling possible again is something I think we all try to do every day.
I want to remind you that you always feel this way to some degree when you are starting a project and you always work through it. This is not to say that you will work through every one successfully. That would be too much like perfection and who among us can claim that? Maybe not every project is yours to take. Although I am sure that the certainty of having a new one on the horizon which is assured helps to relieve anxiety to some degree!
I believe in you. I love you.
Darling Mary, thank you, especially for the needed reminder that I always, ALWAYS feel like this as I pick my way into a project. This one feels a little more fraught because of time constraints. I should have begun this a while ago but I lost a lot of time when my man was ill. Well, there is nothing to do but to do my best, right? Thank you for believing in my possible. Love you back.
DeleteIt is hard sometimes not to stress. When I have to do something I have never done before, I look at it as an "adventure." My first step is to research models that I can draw from, not only to expand my comfort level but also inspire me to get the job done. Very nice that you finished your shopping...in record time! Susan
ReplyDeleteSusan, I always welcome your comments here. They are so wise. Yes, research models are key. That is usually how I begin too. But for various reasons I don't have sufficient time to really study and absorb them this time; I've got to get to doing. Today is a little better than yesterday. Tomorrow will be better yet. See? I'm practicing feeling possible!
DeleteThere is only so much time and energy to go around, so I'm all for taking shortcuts and hitting the high points in order not to go insane :) Does it make our love any greater if we fret and tire ourselves out shopping in "the real world"? No ... Can we show our love better at Christmas if we are less stressed? Yes ... Good luck with the writing. You just need to get stuck in, as the British say :)
ReplyDeletejenny-o, i really like your perspective! And I love that phrase, "get stuck in." Working on it!
DeleteMary Moon is right...the deadline, combined with this season and all of the expectations, has you more concerned than you might be otherwise. You will do this and do well. You always do. Hugs.
ReplyDeletee, thank you, friend, for your confidence in me. I will borrow it while I look for my own. xo
DeleteIf you need any help with your proposal, you know where to find me!
ReplyDeleteElizabeth, thank you! xo
DeleteI don't know anyone who has conquered healing, it seems we all have something that leads us to this work. I watch you for an example of courage and steadfastness in the light of whatever life brings you, and in the way you gracefully handle the things that you fear the most. You, Angela, are strong in ways that you may not see - as most of us can't in our own lives. You're not perfect and you don't have to be because you are Angela and that makes you awesome!!
ReplyDeleteI'll hold a thought that the panic dwindles and that you are able to relax - both into your project and your Christmas celebrations.
Much love to you.
Thank you so much for this comment, Liv. It can be healing to see oneself from another's kind view, and you have graciously offered me that. We go on, yes. What choice do we have. This precious little community helps immeasurably. xo
DeleteI think it's actually quite practical and admirable to get all the gift-buying done in one fell swoop -- nothing wrong with that! I hope the proposal sorts itself out. Healing is a constant process, isn't it? I think I heal every day, and every day am injured, and all that healing and injuring overlaps -- it's just life.
ReplyDeleteSteve, that sounds just right actually, healing and injury happening all the time, and we poor humans tending to ourselves, and each other, all the time. The ebb and flow. It's an oddly comforting thought.
DeleteI can relate to the same two as everyone else. I have far more belief in your abilities than you might. Everything you do seems to turn to gold, whether from an easy, fresh beginning or not. I believe you’re pretty perfect in your work and your family. Just one woman’s opinion... joanne
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