I’ve been thinking a lot about how the body weakens, how its scaffold crumbles in infinitesimal stages through a passage of decades until one day you wake up unable to execute a movement you could do only yesterday. I’ve been reading about the immune system, about inflammation, how the blood sends its emissaries to do battle with cellular invaders, and how sometimes these sentries don’t retreat when the battle is won. Instead they linger abroad, unnaturally swelling the field, causing progressive damage not just to the physical self but to mental and emotional bodies too. When exactly was the moment I could have halted the autoimmune invasion, turned it aside somehow rather than becoming host to this incursion being waged inside me, stealthy and merciless, wracking my entire being with flares of pain, even as I smile and unkink the locked muscle or aching joint, square my shoulders and carry on? Good morning, tree, with your branches dusted in sparse gold. I am moved by the way you stand with your few tenacious leaves glimmering in a slant of sun. No matter the season you hold the field. You carry on.
Sad and sweet and all too true. We can be beautiful, we can still shine, even if...
ReplyDeleteAging bodies, just bodies really because problems can happen at any age, are difficult and don't last forever sadly. I watch my finger joints twist from arthritis and feel how I walk like an old lady when I get out of the car after sitting for awhile and I wonder WTF.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you have so much pain but I'm thankful you have so much love.
Definitely wearing out here. Oh well.
ReplyDeleteOur aging bodies have so many little secrets. We accommodate the changes, one sore muscle and joint at a time, bending with the flow of time and decline.
ReplyDeleteI so am sorry you are in pain, and hope you find ways to manage it and feel well. Take care there.
In that tree, I see you. Beautiful and vulnerable and loved.
ReplyDeleteYou talk pretty. I love this post , the photo, I do not love the pain involved. I will say that Charlottes Web "restore" cbd gummies have bailed me out, anti inflammatory properties and a soothing cbd pain reliever. Going up and down the stairs now like a champ!
ReplyDelete"The golden years are tarnished" my aunt used to say! But we keep on "keeping on" and make the best of it. Sorry for your pain, hope you find relief.
ReplyDeleteWe just aren't meant to be eternal. Nothing is, even rocks eventually wear down. The only way things change is by things giving way to new things. We can only try to hold out as long as possible. Which reminds me, time for my yoga routine this morning.
ReplyDeleteI think this is why people venerate trees -- their life spans exceed ours. So they seem eternal, even though they're simply less transient.
ReplyDelete"When exactly was the moment I could have halted the autoimmune invasion"
ReplyDeleteDearest woman, this moment wasn't ever there. Whatever we do when we take care - poorly or not - of our bodies, we don't allow autoimmune invasion, we don't open doors to this vicious attack mechanism. This you could not have halted. Believe me, I have searched my body and soul, and read the science, this is beyond our control. What we can do, to ease pain, to seek purpose and joy despite illness, to lead a different and still full life, you know it all. Trust yourself.
Chronic pain is a beast. And that's on top of the everyday wear and tear on the body. I'm so sorry you have to experience this. If you have access to The New York Times, they recently had a series on chronic pain that you might find interesting/helpful. If you don't have access, let me know below this comment and I will send you the Word document I made by copy/paste for my daughter (who has chronic pain also).
ReplyDeleteGosh, this speaks to me. May you feel no pain.
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