We had another Zoom check in with the book team this morning. I so love those three women and one man. They say we should always go where the love is, and this might be the most free floating love I've ever felt on a work project. May the words I write be worthy!
So real talk. I am suddenly aging at warp speed, which is apparently a side effect of the weight loss medication my doctor put me on. I am so conflicted. The meds have turned the food noise in my brain all the way down, so that for the first time I feel like a normal person, no longer fighting the insulin floods that have swamped my body for my entire life, which is like a monster with its open maw constantly feening for more, more, more. The cravings, dear God. The battle not to eat was constant, pitched, brutal. I don't think I ever felt full, certainly never satisfied, and I now I have proof it wasn't a moral issue of no willpower, of gluttony, it was a chemical issue, genetically bestowed.
Now, I eat when I'm hungry and stop when I'm full, and a bag of cookies can last in my pantry for weeks on end, instead of being devoured in a day or two. It was revelatory, really, the feeling of this is what people with normal body chemistry feel like all the time! But, there is no free lunch, terrible pun, because I barely recognize myself in the mirror. Everything sags at the jawline, around the mouth, the wrinkles are coming in deeper around the eyes, and I'm like, my face or my ass, people, which one do I choose? I don't know. I no longer think it's vanity exactly. Maybe just another life lesson of some sort, one yet to be learned.
That picture up top is me on today's Zoom call. Zoom touches up your appearance a bit, but even so, the wrinkles, the chest crepe, the wattled chin, the sagging neck are starting to be visible on the screen. I don't know why I'm sharing all this. It's just that this space is where I process things that are hard, and this suddenly accelerated aging is hard, y'all. Not gonna lie. Not unrelated, I've decided to let my gray grow in. I'm just one big mess of competing motivations right now, kicking and fighting and reaching for acceptance of my own little self. I wish I didn't want to hide out so much. I wish I didn't feel so shallow.
I feel you! It’s a shock looking in the mirror and I’ve noticed saggy skin on my arms for a good while now. I think you have a special beauty about you, your sparkling eyes and glowing skin are the first things I noticed in your photo. We are always our own harshest critics. I have every confidence you will do this latest project full justice. Much love.
ReplyDeleteXoxo
Barbara
You are, as always, lovely. It can be so very difficult to love what we see in the mirror, but I hope that you will extend yourself grace and stop judging yourself in a way that I suspect you never judge others. Have a wonderful day!
ReplyDeleteYou are so beautiful in every way. I look at the photo, and I think, "what is she talking about?" The beauty radiates from every cell. Deep breath, you are the beautiful you that you have always been... and always will be.
ReplyDeleteIt is rather shocking to see your granny in the mirror , or your auntie with chin waddle, or your neighbor lady who dressed in a floral smock gathered under her weighty boobs, ankles like tree trunks , a peculiar skin film...yep shocking! Embrace it I say! We have earned all the perks that come with it. I have always wanted to be invisible. I have always wanted to achieve elder perspective of only giving a sh*t about life or death situations.
ReplyDeleteA sort of "leave me alone unless it is mightily important" attitude. I am enjoying this graduation into "that old lady who parks her car sideways"....I am fatter than I have ever been and I eat continuously, I come from fat lady stock all the way back as far as memory will allow. Pretty much starved my way through until...now.I join my aunties and grannies and the neighbor lady, I do not wear a bra and just let everything float! I am happy. But, yes, such an abrupt change is shocking! Mirrors and photos are mysterious. Who is that?
As long as our brains function well , as yours does in genius fashion, we be OK.
Well said, you! :)
DeleteYou are your worst judge. You look gorgeous, face it!
ReplyDeleteI'm assuming it's Ozempic or the other drug whose name I can't remember. It's a fascinating effect on the brain. People also report they no longer drink alcohol, bite their finger nails and things like that. The brain is altered. I can see why the sudden loss of fat in your face is hard, but know that you see it way more than anyone else does. To me, you are still beautiful. More importantly, you're a great writer, a great friend, and a great family member to all of your relatives.
ReplyDelete". . . the wrinkles, the chest crepe, the wattled chin, the sagging neck are starting to be visible on the screen" Seriously? Where? You are your worst critic. Back when I did pastel portraits, I would have painted yours without hesitation.
ReplyDeleteYou're beautiful, regardless of your weight but yeah, it's hard to look in the mirror and see yourself age. I have the neck wattle thing going on and my top lip has completely disappeared. Oh well, I don't have any estrogen left, except for that tiny pill I pop into my dried out old vagina twice a week, so I don't care so much. I have become invisible to men and don't even really notice good looking men anymore, and I'm good with that. Nice to try something different.
ReplyDeleteI know! about the upper lip. Mine's been gone for years.
Deletemine too, lips so thin I look like a chicken.
DeleteYou look lovely. We will all look old if we live so long.
ReplyDeleteIt's just the transition that's tough and wobbly. Soon you will be centered within your wrinkly, gray-haired, thinner self and it will be wonderful to be in your body in a way you never imagined it could as your younger self.
ReplyDeleteIt's just the transition that makes you feel a bit wobbly. Soon you will be centered in your gray-haired, wrinkly, thinner, fitter self in a way you could not have dreamed of as a young woman. It's one of the gifts of age.
ReplyDeleteIf that's the face you're complaining about, I'll trade. but joking aside, I get it. 64 was a hard year for me seeing the face that looked back at me in the mirror. I felt like I aged suddenly. That's why I did the year of the selfie. Every Friday I took a selfie and published it on my blog. by the end I had reached a sort of acceptance. more like resignation. anyway, aging is inevitable. I try to look at all the wrinkles, creases, crepey skin, thin lips (!), graying hair as a badge of honor, I've survived. I'm a survivor. my body still functions, it's strong and flexible. losing excess weight may make aging more apparent but it also takes a huge stress off your body. and if you no longer fight with your brain all the time, then it seems to me to be a good trade. might as well embrace it. Women who show their years on their faces and bodies are still beautiful because true beauty comes from within as yours shines out from inside you.
ReplyDeleteOh my. So much here. First off- like Linda Sue I starved myself for years. Well,, no. I did not starve myself but I valiantly fought that battle you talk about to constantly want to eat. My whole entire life since early high school. And I exercised like crazy. And I was never really thin, just...acceptable to my eyes. So being on a drug that shuts that constant craving off sounds like heaven but I know there is nothing that comes with no price.
ReplyDeleteAnd honestly- you may see things in the mirror that I can't see in this picture. All I see is an incredibly radiant woman with skin as smooth as a child's. My god you are beautiful!
But I understand. I do, I do. I really do.
You look gorgeous to me! The most important thing is that you are healthy.
ReplyDeleteYou look beautiful!
ReplyDeleteMy friend who is 10 years older than me, says: "Ageing is not for sissies." With each birthday, I see she is right. Change is constant and I truly believe finding balance in ourselves is key. You are in an important health and wellness transition and balance will restore. By the way, I think you look lovely. Hold that thought.
ReplyDeleteI hear you. That is what I see in the mirror, only more so, at 81 years old. Itmis not, I am told, what others see. They say they see the smile, the interest in the eyes, and on. I don't really believe them. Now I know why mu grandmother hated being photographed.
ReplyDeleteAs for the butt ... it's probably wrinkled too.