Friday, April 3, 2015

2.08 a.m.

I'm just so sad. Despite the daily functioning, I feel down, out of sorts, my emotions like a wave, advancing and collapsing, changing moment to moment, set swirling by any small thing. I sit here contemplating the idea that suffering is born of the wish for things to be different, and that we would suffer less if we stopped resisting what is. I try to accept what is, especially that which can now never be any different, the loved ones gone from this earth, but there are other things in my life that I don't accept, and I do wish they were different. And so I suffer. I know this makes no sense to you, it's almost 2 a.m. and the whole house is asleep, and I feel bereft and empty and out of sorts, even though my daughter is home for spring break and I wish to be happy for her, but I can't fake it. I am lost and anxious and sad and I try to block it because she is so empathetic and I don't want her to absorb these feelings. The house was full of people all day today. I was acceptably social even though I wanted to run away and hide and wallow. I wanted to sit quietly and miss my mother. Instead I talked and laughed and was social until everything fell apart inside me. And now, in the middle of the night, there is nothing left but this lonely desolate feeling I cannot name or truly share.

12 comments:

  1. You have either one of the most virulent mood disorders I've ever seen, or some kind of dysthymic personality disorder. I feel bad for you. You are miserable about 85% of the time on this blog and I am sure that doesn't even scratch the surface of your day to day. It seems like the therapy isn't enough. I don't know if you're on medication but I would seriously recommend a course of TMS, or ketamine treatment. You have had what appears to be treatment resistant depression for as long as you've had this blog....I'm sure longer. Why keep suffering like this? Week to week your mood goes up and down. Just a thought...why suffer

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    1. Dear Anonymous, if this is what you think about the author of this blog, why may I ask, are you reading here? And why should I take your comment seriously when you don't have the courtesy to sign your name?

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  2. Anonymous,

    Your words are cutting and cruel. Her mom just died. Her mom just died! Can she not grieve without being medicated? Can she not feel sad at the state of the world without being medicated? Maybe it is YOU that needs to be medicated to see what sad state the world is in. Maybe if more people felt sad and hopeless we would make changes.
    My god, show some compassion. And if you want to see personality disorders come over to my blog. And don't post as anonymous. It is cowardly and mean.

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    1. Thank you, Birdie. You say what I wanted to but didnt, because it kept coming out so angry. You say it better. And there is definitely no personality disorder going on over at your blog! Just life in all its complexity. xo :)

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  3. Frankly, Anonymous just sounds vapid. His, her or its remarks even made me want to laugh, to tell you the truth, because they're so ridiculous.

    As for you, sweet and reflective woman, those dark and early hours are for what you've described -- perhaps it is only then, when enveloped by the literal darkness, can we truly surrender to our sorrow and loss and even existential despair. You of all people I know are so capable of and truly skilled in reflecting light and love. Perhaps that's why you also absorb darkness so intensely. I'm sending you love.

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    1. Dear Elizabeth. I really appreciate and love you.

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  4. Gosh I agree with what Elizabeth said. That really resonated with me, about you. You do seem to have such a capacity for holding the beauty of everything, it does make sense the darkness would hit you hard. Exactly what she said. I'm so sorry for it, though. I send my love.

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  5. Wow! I just saw this. What a strange thing for someone to say. I am not even going to begin to try and express what I think of anonymous. I will say, however, that whoever it is, is a completely ignorant and horrid person who has never experienced life beyond the surface of a mirror.

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    1. Mary, right?! I can't imagine what it must be like to never experience any variation in mood, but you know what? If it makes a person as mean as Anonymous sounds here, then I'll pass. I love you, woman.

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  6. I keep checking back to see if Anonymous is going to give you anymore trouble. ;-)

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