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Wednesday, February 15, 2017

A bigger world

It's possible I am depressed. Maybe it's time once again to seek out therapy, both the talking kind and the physical. I have great freedom in my life. I could go anywhere and do anything on any given day, and yet I stay close to home, because most of the time everything aches and gallivanting around the city is the last thing that seems appealing. But lately, I have begun to feel as if I wasting my good lucky life. Perhaps I need a new doctor, one who will truly chase down the cause of the pain that flares throughout my body, causing me to walk in an awkward, broken way, a smile on my face to mask the ache of motion. I try not to talk or write too much about this, but it is ever-present. I want to travel with my husband but know that a walking vacation is not in the cards. This limits where we can go, how we can explore. I feel like a burden and a limitation on his life if you want to know the truth. It doesn't really help that I suspect people think this pain is because I don't seek out more exercise rather than that I don't seek out more exercise because of this pain. Ah, well. Poor me. This is a poor me post. Still, I'm going to start getting out more. Make myself a bigger world.


19 comments:

  1. With all the changes going on, your boy has also officially left the nest, which in itself is a huge change. I think depression is to be expected. Give yourself time, Angela. Your world has changed drastically these last months. Let's hope that spring comes soon

    You know I know depression. I absolutely encourage you to find somoene to talk to. And please be gentle on yourself. In all my years of dealing with The Black Dog, being good to myself has always been the best therapy above all. It is only something I figured out the last couple of years but It makes a big difference. xo

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  2. I feel this way so often- that I have made myself a safe and small place and choose to stay here. And I don't even have the mobility issue. It's a mental issue and I too feel that I limit my husband's life because of it.
    I don't know, dear friend, what the answer is. But I know that I understand.

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  3. I don't know you personally, but I read here daily and have come to love you and your beautiful family. I've recently struggled mightily to overcome severe pain-difficult to explain, hard to diagnose, early-onset (I'm in my 30s), barely walking at times. Pain takes its toll on your mental health-it makes you weepy and weak and many doctors don't get past those attributes in women, they pass us off as dramatic/link everything to weight or diet. Since you are in NYC, you have so many choices for health care. Have you looked in to any holistic/functional medicine providers? For me-I saw 13 different specialists over a year, and finally ended up with a D.O. who, through osteopathic manipulation , acupuncture, and traditional medicine approaches, helped me get to where I am today. I know what it feels like to be isolated because of pain, and encourage you to keep seeking. I think you are a wise, wise woman, and I am grateful that you are here sharing in this space.

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  4. I have such limited experience with depression that I am of no help. But Birdie's advice sounds solid. And I understand pain to some extent - and it is hard to have such an invisible affliction. Everyone is sympathetic if you break a leg or something that they can see. We can't see pain, so it can be forgotten if you are not the one suffering from it. A new doctor sounds like it might be a good thing.

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  5. You have every right to a "poor me post". I think we all fluctuate in our feelings daily, and when your in pain and things aren't right with the body, the mood reflects that. A new Doc may be what you need... best wishes to you my friend.

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  6. My thoughts are with you this morning. There are so many changes - in your world, in the world beyond your home - that can make the heart and body ache. Know that you mean something to yourself and that you can find your way through. For me, right now what's helping is art - fun art paintings that will never grace a gallery, but get me through.
    A woman from the weird internet
    Mary

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  7. Oh love I'm so sorry. I am always astounded at the amount of physical pain that depression brings. It affects the entire body. May this pass quickly. Love, Rebecca

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  8. I am with you my dear friend. And I am confident that you will figure this out, just as your supportive comments on my blog tell me that I will be ok.

    Because, truly, we will, we are all the time working so hard on being happy and how to get better and how to deal with what stops us from living to the fullest. One day at a time.
    And it helps to admit when you feel like shit.

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  9. There is much love and good advice here for you. Your help may come from many quarters, not just medical. Stay alert to what works and take good care. I hold you in good thoughts always.

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  10. Consulting a new doctor certainly couldn't hurt, but I agree with Birdie and others that being kind to yourself is paramount. It's necessary to nurture your own good health at the same time that you nurture your husband and children. A doctor may be able able to help you get past the exercise-pain vicious circle, at least.

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  11. I've been feeling down lately, like what is the point of living, is there a point? Trump and all the idiocy and malignant hatred that surrounds him and comes forth from his doesn't help I don't think. Plus it's winter. And I'm getting older.

    Do you have fibromyalgia? It kinda sounds like it. Has it been ruled out? I don't know much about fibromyalgia except that a friend has it and it makes her life painful. And when I went to the cannabis clinic last month with my daughter, the doctor there recommended cannabis for the treatment of fibromyalgia. Is cannabis legal in NY? It might be worth a try. I'm very hopeful that the cannabis I chose for Miss Katie will help with her anxiety and behavioral problems. Fingers crossed.

    It was just a thought:)

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  12. I don't have the pain issue, but the massive mental turmoil over our world right now has created a sense of depression (have fought that off and on all my life). I can't imagine dealing with pain on top of it; you may call this a 'poor me' post, but all I see is courage. Holding good thoughts for you.

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  13. I am so sad to read this, but I hope you get the help you need and that "they" figure out how to relieve you of the pain. Were you ever able to get an medical cannabis? I do believe that persisting in its use -- with dosages and different strains -- could possibly help. We need to talk more about this.

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  14. Oh definitely go and see someone else. It's not OK to be living in pain when you don't know what it is. I'm living in pain but I know what it is. And yes, it is very life-altering and it's obviously going to get you down. However, there's a strong possibility that once it's diagnosed, you might be able to do something about it. Pain is no fun.

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  15. Oh my, I know what you mean. I feel your pain. Please forgive the long response... My body has very similar issues, and I have cyclical flare ups that have been going of for over a decade now. I don't like to talk about it because people who don't experience it don't understand it at all. My favorite catch 22 is the one where I'm told I have pain because I have depression, and I am certain it's the other way around. I do what I can, when I can, for as long as I can, and when I can't, I turtle, I take anti inflamatories and the occasional xanax and the rarer muscle relaxer. I also have a catch 22 with sleeping. Is pain costing me sleep, or is lack of sleep causing me pain? Who knows. The only diagnosis I have yet is degenerative disc disease in my C-spine and bursitis in my hip. I celebrate good days like never before, but I feel a decade older than I am.
    I really am burnt out on trying to find an answer, but I think I have something in the arthritis or auto immune department. It can be in my hands, feet, shoulders, back, neck and now my hip. Walking was never a problem before. I'm three months into the hip problem and have tried injections, drugs, physical therapy, acupuncture and exercise and the pain walking and resting will not go away. I'm petrified. My poor old dog is simultaneously struggling to get up and to walk and if it weren't so sad it would be comical. I wish I had good advice, but all I know is to be kind to myself, to try to be open with my family about how I feel, and to celebrate what I can do and not what I can't. It sucks, tho, because you and I are too young for this. My husband jokes about getting me a scooter for our golden years and I can't imagine, but in my callous youth I always said as long as I could read a good book or watch a good show I wouldn't care if I was just a head in a jar. I am eating those words. But thank goodness for books and shows to distract me. BTW, I've found the more I sit and the less I move the worse my hip aches, so I keep moving, or hobbling. Also, I think therapy might be worth a shot, we can all use a little help in the coping department these days.
    Take care and be kind to yourself. xo

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  16. I pray that you will get the help that you need to lighten your pain and your depression. As you said, I hope you will find and build a bigger world for yourself. As I deal with the death of my beloved husband I am remembering to rest, read and treat myself sweetly.

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  17. I've been reading back on your posts so that I can get to know you a little better and now I understand more of the pain that you go through with your body and consequently your spirit. If the first doctor doesn't do it, then maybe the third, fourth or fifth will. I sincerely hope that you can get to the bottom of this. You need to be able to skip down the road a bit. My best wishes for some good information for you....and then the healing.

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  18. I just got around to catching up on your blog. I sure hope you have found some relief from your pain and depression since this was written. Be gentle on you spirit and take one day at a time, one step at a time. With all the changes going on in the world and within your own home, with your son moving out --feeling a bit off is to be expected. Sending you belated hugs.

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