Emotional Yoga

I started the day with some light yoga exercises, really small stuff, and yet it so invigorated me. Even my gimpy left leg felt stronger, less painful to move, and—this is weird—longer, so that my gait rocked less. When we were in St. Lucia, my brother, a doctor, said, "The mistake people make is that when one part of the body hurts, they forget they can still work out the other parts of the body." My brother said a lot of things that inspired me in terms of doing the work to become healthier. He has the touch, a knack for talking about what you need to do health-wise in a way that makes you feel as if he simply cares about you. You don't feel judged or criticized, just worthy and loved enough for him to share what he knows that might help you. And this being my brother, the good health guidelines are inevitably served up with a generous dose of plain good fun.

So yes, I started the day with a light yoga practice and it was eye-opening. Literally. I am so unfit. I remember when these exercises felt like nothing at all, no work or effort. I even wondered whether I should keep doing them because how could something so effortless be making a difference. Well. Let me tell you, they are not easy anymore. But they do invigorate and that's enough to encourage me to keep going.

Now if we could only find a workout for the emotions. This morning I came to work and had a fuss, let's call it that, with the writer I work most closely with. She was unhappy that she could not reach me last evening for a conference call with the lawyer about a story we are working on, even though I had texted her the number where I was. The text didn't get to her phone until after she was off the call. I wasn't particularly concerned because we're going to have to have many talks with the lawyer in the course of this story, but the writer was so extremely bent out of shape about my not being on the call. She felt that I hadn't heard the lawyer's concerns and so couldn't strategize with her about how to solve them. I told her I would talk to the lawyer myself today, but she seemed fixated on yesterday's conversation. I, meanwhile, was fixated on her tone, which came to my ear as an upbraiding, and at a certain point when it seemed to me we were going in circles, I said, "Look, I don't need to sit here and be scolded by you. I'm done. We need to move past this." She grabbed her papers and ran out of the room almost in tears. I sat there feeling totally bewildered and upset too. Had I been too harsh?

We work very well together usually, this woman and me, but occasionally we have these dust ups. I felt righteous and put out. But I also knew she was feeling stressed about what she's juggling, including a person central to her story who seems to be AWOL, and she said my not being on the call made her feel she was unsupported. I thought about that kindness piece I put up here a few days ago. I tried to get past the righteous indignation to tune in to what would be the kind thing to do. Finally, I went to to her office to talk to her but she was on the phone. So I sent her this email.

"I'm sorry I wasn't on the call. I tried to be on it, sending you the number to reach me, but you didn't get my text till after you were done. I am sorry you are feeling unsupported. I will call [the lawyer] today to get a sense of her issues so that when you are in the field next week we can strategize about the best way to address any legal concerns. I am sorry you are feeling upset; I am feeling upset, too, mostly because of your tone in our conversation, but I realize you probably don't know how it came across to me, just as I seem to be lacking full insight on how much this bothered you and why. So. I'm sorry. We can figure this out. I realize you are feeling a lot of stress and don't mean to add to that. If you would like to speak after I've talked to [the lawyer] we can do that. Otherwise, good luck with the issues you're trying to solve right now."

Truly, I didn't feel as if I should apologize, but I also knew it would enable us to move on. I'm not sure if I did the right thing or not. Everything still feels pretty crappy and unsettled inside me, even though outwardly we seem to be back on an even keel. I think I need some emotional yoga.