I don't know how to post here anymore. I don't want to wallow in negativity, or hurt anyone's feelings, or blow up anyone else's privacy or personal business. I can't explore this in any depth right now as I have to meet my kids for the closing on their grandmother's apartment. End of an era, baby. Start of the new.
That's the taxicab selfie that I can't decide whether to post here or not, another symptom of my constant second guessing myself, which I suppose is another way of judging myself as harshly as I expect to be judged, when no judgment is truly required or even forthcoming, and no one is thinking that deeply about me anyway.
I'm not going away, but I'm trying to figure this out.
Hmmm...well, I hope you DO keep posting. Maybe it's just a matter of waiting until a post feels right. Forcing yourself to post just for the sake of posting probably isn't the way to go. You'll feel good about it when you put together something you're comfortable saying. You think?
ReplyDeleteI don't often feel tongue-tied (finger-tied?) but I think that's because I post more about the nuts and bolts of my days, as opposed to deeper personal exploration. Hopefully that's not too stultifying for all my readers. :)
I just have to say that you look about twenty-one in that photo. And beautiful.
ReplyDeleteIt IS hard, sometimes, trying to decide what to post, what not to. I often end up feeling as if I'm either being glib and shallow and meaningless or overly dramatic and insane.
I suppose I am all of those things, as all of us are. One moment to the next. One heartbeat to the next.
I'm so sorry you're feeling that, I wish I could help.
ReplyDeleteAh, the monkey brain. If the monkeys were real I could set up a monkey refuge and charge admission.
ReplyDeleteThe picture of you in the cab is beautiful.
Please. Keep posting. Your posts help me.
You look so young in that selfie. Like 15 young. Incredible capture of yourself. I too have so much inside that wants and needs to come out but all that does is nice. I should keep a journal so I can get the bad out and can move on. I don't want you to go away. Like Mary, your truths help me and I'm sure others. Your writing is beautiful and your family is light. Peace and love to you. You
ReplyDeleteIn response to your lovely comment on my blog, dear woman, let me stress that penguins are amazingly strong, clever, hard working, elegant and graceful creatures. Adorable, dedicated to their own and committed to their partners for life. And they wear the best fur coats.
ReplyDeleteApart from that, I appreciate your honesty, I recognise so much of what you call negativity. I am not sure if we should call it that just because there is this label. Who gave it to us? But if it must come out, let it. Don't put yourself down. There is no judge no competition no right and no wrong.
Don't go away.
I'm finding that my writing brain has ebbs and flows, much like other things in life. Maybe that's all that's happening with you, too. The tide will turn again at some point. In the meantime, be good to yourself, as you would to someone else in the same circumstances.
ReplyDeleteI love the picture. The light, the colours, the honesty in your face.
I'm glad you're not going away. Your words have brought me smiles, wisdom and compassion. You should be free to express "negativity" as much as you need to. This is your blog. I'm grateful for it.
ReplyDeleteI must agree with everyone else about how lovely you are in that pboto. Sending some love and compassion right back at you!
Xoxo
Barbara
Sending you hugs and love.
ReplyDeleteI just want to say that I read your every blog entry, though I am somehow too lame to ever comment (which is really crappy of me). I'm here.
ReplyDeleteAnd somehow you remind me very strongly of Frida Kahlo in that picture. <3
What you describe reminds me of my own hesitation and episodes of indecision. It can be paralyzing as well as painful. That crushing fear of rejection or breath-stealing concern that you're already a reject, just thinking of it makes me teary! Thankfully, it's temporary. More and more I'm starting to believe that I'm good enough, loved, and that I belong. If you're not believing that for yourself I'm here to tell you it is so! You are enough. You are loved. You belong. We love hearing from you, whatever you post! Love and hugs. Keep on steppin' ;o)
ReplyDeletefeel better soon my friend.
ReplyDeleteI like the photo of you in the cab. I don't comment much, but I enjoy reading your posts.
ReplyDeleteFinding Eliza
That picture is fierce. So glad you posted it. Wish I could wave the magic wand and stop you judging yourself, I'd wave it at myself while I'm at it.
ReplyDeleteHonestly, I don't know what I'm doing online anymore either. I'm pretty tangled up where social media is concerned and I can't write a dang thing without analyzing what this or that person will think of what I write. I used to write for me, for my sanity and to connect with all the awesome brains I found online, but as with everything it gets complicated, especially the inner judgemental voice asking just who, exactly am I trying to impress here. That inner critic is a bitch, isn't she? Not to mention the complicated personal issues where humans are concerned. Sorry for that.
I hope you keep posting, just to share or vent or seek connection or affirmation or whatever is it we are doing here. I love reading your posts, and I love knowing that you are out there, in this crazy world, trying to make sense of it too. Also, what Mary said. :)
And seriously, I love that photo. Your eyes are piercing.
Hope things ae
I read your blog but rarely comment, although I'm not sure why. I wanted to say you seem like a lovely woman, even though I don't know you, which seems to a weird to say to someone you don't even know. But I read your writing, see how much your family means to you, how much your love them and I think to myself, why is she so hard on herself? And then I smile because I do the same thing. Thank you for the reminder to be kinder to myself and I hope you can do the same.
ReplyDeleteAnd the photo is lovely.
It's such a beautiful thing to read your post, see your gorgeous face (and damn, that angle is usual NOT a flattering one for anyone but you KILL it!) and then see these comments, most of their names so familiar to me for so many years. We have quite a community of people who stop in and comment or don't, who write reams and reams or don't, who ebb and flow and stay quiet. I love it, and while I totally understand your ambivalence or disquiet or whatever it is, I hope that you'll continue to pop in and keep us posted. I love you so much.
ReplyDelete