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I worry about my daughter's comings and goings late at night in her part of town; worry about the street she has to walk down being too lonely after dark; worry about who's around watching out for her safe passage. I'm glad she lives with her boyfriend, glad there's someone who knows when she arrives home each night. But then, in the midst of these thoughts, I stop and remember myself at her age, living alone on a quiet street in the city, coming home near midnight most evenings, from work or revelries, with no one about on my block. The door to the lobby of my building was recessed from the sidewalk. Anyone could have been lurking there as I turned the corner. The building's resident drunk was always leaning unsteadily against a column inside in the cavernous, green-checked linoleum-floored lobby. Liquor bottle in hand, Frank kept watch day and night in a food-stained wifebeater and saggy green khakis, slurring his hellos. It actually made me feel safe to see him standing like a sentry a few feet away from the creaky elevator. On my floor, many blind alcoves dipped off from the long, poorly lighted hallway. Tucked inside each alcove were the front doors of two apartments, their doorknobs at right angles and almost touching. And here's the crazy part, the detail my parents never knew, and one that I was too young and thoughtless to have a care about: My immediate neighbor was a drug dealer. Sketchy looking people came and went from his apartment at all hours, and coming and going from my own door, I would simply nod politely and keep moving. Looking back now, it seems ridiculous that I didn't feel any hint of jeopardy. I'm trying to remember that this sense of invulnerability is the gift of the young, and why should I punch holes in the cloak of security it confers? Besides, my girl is a native New Yorker. She grew up in this teeming city. Her spidey sense is keen.
I think it is very wise for us, when despairing of what our children are going through or risking, to remember what we did, how we lived. If our parents had known...
ReplyDeleteI think you are right- her spidey sense is keen. And I also think that no matter what, you are always going to worry. I know this because I do too. One way or another, we worry.
And then we have to trust.
Mary, you're so right. Even if our love is superhuman, we cannot be everywhere. so yes, trust. humanity is mostly good anyway. i do believe that.
DeleteThis meditation is loving, thoughtful and affirming of your daughter. While experiencing your feelings of concern and recalling your youth, you honor her spidey sense in the best of ways through your writing.
ReplyDeleteam, thank you for this good thought. all will be well.
DeleteI had a similar conversation with my daughter last night. She was walking in downtown Vancouver, in the dark, to her boyfriend's place. She said there's lots of people out walking, it's safe, but still I worry.
ReplyDeletelily, i totally know that conversation you had with your girl! i have had it many times with my girl. we are mothers, aren't we.
Deleteno matter how old our kids are, where they are, we will always worry.
ReplyDeleteDrita, i like to think of our worry as an invisible protective cloak, keeping everything good around them.
DeleteI'm sure she knows how to be careful in an urban environment -- as you said, "spidey sense." It makes sense to worry. My first apartment was in a drug- and crime-riddled area, too. It's funny how we just live with it at that age, no questions asked.
ReplyDeleteSteve, young people are so foolish and yet so idealistic in a way. I think their belief in the best that can happen is admirable.
DeleteThis never ends. Do you feel the same about your son's safety?
ReplyDeleteI remember the ugly taste in my mouth after I first explained to my teenage daughter how to hold her keys in her hands when walking home from the bus stop at night.
Sabine, as you guessed, I don't worry about my son's safety in quite the same way, but I do worry about his safety, too, not from a gender perspective, but from a racial one. This is the world we live in. Sigh.
Deleteyes we worry. bad things do happen but it's important to remember that the vast majority of us go through life safely.
ReplyDeleteellen, i think that is so important to remember. the news blares all the bad stuff that happens but compared to the good it is infinitesimal. Thanks for the reminder.
DeleteAs long as her spidey sense is keen, that's all we can hope for as she ventures out into the dark NY streets.
ReplyDeleterobin, she definitely stays aware of her surroundings, despite having been a very dreamy child. i guess the city demands we develop that awareness. she will be fine—i'm putting that out there in the most powerful way. she will be fine. all is well. thank you.
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