The week in review

I put up a post about the ICE invasions of Portland and Chicago but apparently only one reader was able to see it. Another reader commented that my latest post was not "notifying or showing," which made me wonder if I was being shadow banned. Very curious. It was mostly sobering photos that we've all seen anyway, images of home grown troops tear gassing and pointing military grade weapons at our own—sights none of us ever thought we'd see playing out on the streets of the land we call home. None of this is news to any of us. 

Over in my corner of the world, life is lifing, as my girl likes to say. People I love are dealing with some stuff, which I can't talk about, but which makes my heart feel as if its being squeezed in a fist, each breath shallow and incomplete, and I walk around distracted, wondering why things can't just get to a place of being settled and stay that way indefinitely. Life is always in a process of upheaval, even when it seemed one minute before that everything was just calmly going along. Some upheavals are manageable and even cheerful. Others are like a two by four to the side of the head. The life lessons never fucking stop. Why do we always have to be learning and growing and getting wiser? Can't we just be dumb and happy and insensible for a while?

A couple of mornings ago, in those moments just after waking, before rising to greet the day, when you're just drifting in your thoughts, it occurred to me that one day I will be dead and all of this will cease to matter, I won't care about any of it, and I didn't know whether that recognition was a sign of mental health or of psychosis. It did help me take a few full breaths before the dull pervasive worry came flooding back. I'm a little better now, more philosophical. What good is it to obsess about things over which I have no control? If only one could apply logic to these matters.

I did call a therapist for a consultation. No call back yet. I have the number of another therapist. Perhaps I'll reach out to her, too, cover the bases. It's probably time.

In other news, I might have a new project in the offing, if we can come to terms. I hope we can. I've become very interested in doing the project, even though I turned it down three times. But the editor kept coming back, saying the person was very interested in me, that there was no time constraint and he was willing to wait because he thought I was the perfect person. Now that I have had a chance to study the situation more closely I see why he thinks that, certain of our experiences align. And now I am wildly intrigued. Now I'm the one hoping that everything comes to fruition. Ah well, if it is meant to be, it will be. I emailed the editor this morning saying I had delivered my last project and was ready to talk. We shall see what unfolds. Breathe, my darling girl. Breathe.

Speaking of darling girls, my daughter and I had one of our theater dates last Thursday. She wanted to see Beetlejuice, a musical I had no interest in, but I always have great interest in spending time with my girl, so I agreed to join her. We went to one of our special dinners beforehand, at Hav & Mar, which is Chef Marcus Samuelsson's Chelsea eatery. The food, a mix of Southern American and Scandinavian cuisine, was divine. The chef himself was in the house, and he passed by our table and greeted us, which was like a celebrity sighting, very exciting, even in this city where one sees stars at every turn.

Spending that evening with my girl was definitely the highlight of my week. And look, I managed not to wear my usual theater-going uniform, though my seasonal red scarf was very much in evidence. I said to my husband the other day, have you ever noticed that I wear clothes in rotation, that certain outfits appear over and over for stretches of time, no variation? I noticed that before we were married, he said. I was this way as a teenager, too. Every day after school, I'd grab my dad's freshly washed blue pinstripe shirt that I'd purloined, from off the clothes line and change into it from my school uniform, just like the day before. I think it's my way of avoiding decision fatigue.