That old insecurity. I'm leaving for a few days next week to attend my mom's 90th birthday celebration in Jamaica. At my job, there's a certain chill in the air, as if this means I don't take the work seriously, that I'm a gallivanter, a shirker. I wish. Not everyone is projecting this, but one person in particular acts miffed that I will be gone for four days. I will miss the issue planning meetings, which is not ideal, but you know what, all the meetings in the world will not make me miss my mother's 90th birthday celebration. I hate feeling so unsafe at a workplace I have been at for years. I have a lump in my throat that I recognize as fear. The antidote is to conjure the worst case scenario, which in this case would be, I lose my job and the college tuition bills come due. And you know what? We would get through it. I would find something, God knows I would. We would figure something out. So now I have to let it go—that feeling of being in jeopardy, made all the worse because I don't even know if I'm correctly reading the signs. I can only control what I can control. Now watch my dust as I hit the road jack. Oh, right, not leaving for a week yet. Slow down, quit creating catastrophes, breathe.
Interesting colleagues should be valued - like colleagues who visit their mums in Jamaica. Imagine working with someone who never went anywhere except work.
ReplyDeleteWell, thank you, Lucy!
DeleteThinking of you. Glad you are you and not that critical colleague of yours!
ReplyDeleteKathleen, the funny thing is, I wonder if she herself is feeling insecure. we humans are such a roil of miscues. hugs, friend.
DeleteThe way you wrote this is brilliant. And that photo at the top -- the weird fortune -- it's a big world. And I'm glad that you'll get to partake of a bit of that big world -- Jamaica!
ReplyDeleteelizabeth, i wonder if you have any idea how much i love you. i read your post today with my heart in my throat, and now here you are, offering me wings! yes, Jamaica. one week. watch me fly. xo
DeleteYou do the best anyone could and that is all you can do or that anyone can do and you have to be there for your mama's birthday and so be at peace with that. Really. Just Be.
ReplyDeleteI know I am overusing that phrase but it is helping me so much.
May i still call you Maria Luna? That phrase, Just Be, cannot be overused. It says everything. Love.
DeleteI am squealing with excitement for you..
ReplyDeleteSending Birthday wishes for your Mama and for all of you.
( and I could get all badass for you . I could )
deb, can you believe? 90!!! go ahead, my love. get all badass! xoxoxo
DeleteGo to your mom with a lightness in your heart and a bright, beautiful bouquet of balloons! Anger and fear are so closely related that I cannot help but wonder if your colleague is also feeling some fear. I just wonder if there is also some underlying guilt on her part(I am getting a"her" impression here), the feeling that maybe she isn't as attentive in her own life to those who should matter as she should be? Sounds as if this person's reaction has much more to do with her own issues than the fact that you are going to share such a huge milestone with your beautiful mother. Whatever the underlying issue is, do not allow it to take away from the joy of this celebration. I threw my beloved grandma a 90th birthday party with all of the trimmings and she was giddy like a child the whole day. I can look back on the day right now and the wonderful feelings immediately rise to the surface of my heart. You are right. Regardless of what happens, you will NEVER regret spending this time with your mom. And God will make sure that even if the worst case scenario does happen(which I do not believe that it will), something else will open up for you and all will be well.
ReplyDeleteNow take that deep breath, dear heart:)
Debra, i think you have analyzed this exactly. and you are right. I am breathing deep, and sending love.
DeleteI agree with the other comments. I think you should go and enjoy your time with your mother and family. She will only turn ninety once. Please send her my best.
ReplyDeletee, i will definitely do what you suggest! and i will give her your good wishes. thank you.
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