Sometimes a real world friend who is aware of my blog might observe conversationally, "Your blog is very personal, isn't it?" and I hear implied criticism, as if I am putting myself out there in an unseemly way, and it stings somehow. So then I come home and impulsively close my blog for all of—what?—twelve hours. And then I say Fuck It and open it up again, resigned once more to the fact that this is what it means to have a writing life: To overshare, to explore what happens in emotional terms, to say this is what it feels like to be alive in my skin, to be afraid, to be imperfect, to love.
So my blog is open again. I feel the weight of it sometimes, all I have revealed, all the stories that can be read between the lines, if anyone cares. Fortunately, hardly anyone cares, and so I will keep going, pretending that despite being public, this space is actually quite intimate, a sharing that takes place between me and a handful of souls who visit regularly, and leave their calling cards in the comments box, and are always so generous of spirit and deeply kind.
Thank you, friends who visit me here. My son is home for the week. And it is heaven.
If you didn't share what and how you do, others would feel more alone. We cannot possibly be everyone's favorite flavor, yet we do find each other and grow - for me, gradually - more willing to say how it is or has been. It gives me a measure of distance traveled and may be recognized as truth by others. Or an other. What a luxury, to be our only editors. xo
ReplyDeleteOh I love you. Keep it out here, for you and for us. I know the conflict, the inner voice that says you foolish boring narcissist, showing yourself to the world, being who you are rather than who people want you to be, but like you, the other voice tells me to say what I want to say, what I need to say, to be real, somewhere, anywhere. If any of my real life friends read my blog, I'm not sure if they'd like me better or worse, but I'm beyond worrying about that. That's a relief in itself.
ReplyDeleteMy son comes home tonight too, and I couldn't be happier. May you have the best week with your family.
xo
i have friends who read my blog, never comment, never e-mail, and then in a few and far between phone call or visit, casually bring up something i mentioned in blog world. it makes me totally crazy; i'm not even sure why, except that i feel spied on. i gave them--there are 2 who do this--my blog URL when i first started it because i was so excited. neither of them blog...but they read mine, but have never made themselves visible...
ReplyDeleteanyway; that's not really what youre talking about. but your post triggered that same feeling of being too vulnerable...
With friends like that...
ReplyDeleteYeah. I had a "friend" who said, "I just couldn't do that. You're so brave!" about my blog. I just said, "Well, it seems to be okay."
And it's more than okay. Sometimes it saves my life. Because I write down what's in my heart and then people like YOU come by and yes, leave your calling card and thank god.
Enjoy that giant, lovely boy of yours.
Don't pay any attention to those people. Your blog is wonderful. I'm glad you son is home! Wishing you a wonderful Thanksgiving!!
ReplyDeleteThe guy who helped me design my site told me once that he almost feels like he shouldn't be reading my blog, that it makes him uncomfortable sometimes that I talk about what I talk about. I've also had my grandmother tell me that I curse too much. But the things inside me are more me than what I project outside. And if I can't be OK with that, well, then shit - I'm screwed! It's a battle. I battle. I want to hide a lot, but I'm still here trying to be more comfortable in myself. I'm glad you're here too. xo
ReplyDeleteI think we all fit together just as we were meant to, this intimate community we have.
ReplyDeleteugh i get the same thing from certain friends. and i feel the same way you do. thx for sharing. it seems we're not alone. i don't give a crap about how much someone chooses to share or not share. so i'm not so sure why certain judgemental friends do. but you know what feels good? to say fuck it and do whatever you feel like doing without caring what anyone thinks.
ReplyDeleteWe need you and want you right here. I'm glad your son is home.
ReplyDeleteThey're just jealous. Or intimidated.
ReplyDeleteEnjoy your family and Thanksgiving :)
I have never shared my blog with anyone that knows me personally. I am not really sure why. I think I would censor what I write if I did.
ReplyDeletekeep writing.
Kafka said, "Writing means revealing oneself to excess."
ReplyDeleteYep.
That's how it is.
You know I'm with you on the idea of public privacy, but for heaven's sake, please don't ever shut it down...or at least give fair warning (but then do come back again!). Life only affords me incremental reading time at the moment, and I always look to your stories for both glimmers and all out blasting beams of love. It's in everything you write about - whether it's the whole "writers write to live life twice" thing, or catharsis, or something more than that. Whatever it is, is worth it.
ReplyDeleteI get that a lot from people too. Some folks who live in my village will come up to me after reading something they found disturbing and say things that are meant to be kind I'm sure, but are really their way of saying ' I don't like seeing things like that on your blog.' They act as if I've disappointed them in some way because they expected pretty travel photos or sweet stories and got something too dark instead. My blog, like my life, is a complicated mix and I write what I want.
ReplyDeletePeople who aren't comfortable with their own feelings or unexamined corners don't like seeing me shining the light into mine.
You go right ahead and write what you want. I read your blog because it's real. I particularly like what Maryllinn Kelly said in her comment. Ditto that for me.
At least people READ your blog! :)
ReplyDeleteI do think there's a certain resignation that goes with being a writer -- we just get used to putting ourselves out there and sharing. What seems so strange to others is second nature to us.
I so so get this :).
ReplyDeleteHappy Thanksgiving my artist friend. Make your art. It is you.