Friday, May 17, 2013

Here and now

My brain is relatively quiet this morning, but it is not a peaceful quiet. More like an engine shrouded in heavy layers of cloth, muffled. My emotions feel as if they're on cruise control, yet I have a weird unsettled feeling, which probably comes from the fact that we have a big graduation weekend ahead of us, and I cannot direct it, I just have to let it unfold. It's that, and the fact of having to show up. Suddenly, I'm thinking, Darn, I should have trimmed my hair, I should have colored that gray along the hairline, I should have, I should have. 

My daughter and niece are at the hair salon this morning, getting washed and deep-conditioned and styled. My own hair is at that unruly stage where I'm simply clipping off wayward spirals in the quest for a uniform silhouette. But it's too late now for a proper cut; it doesn't look right till a week or so after a trim, so maybe I will just keep clipping and remind myself that graduation is not about me, it's about our boy, and those of us who love him are gathering to celebrate his achievements, him.

When I was a kid, my mother intuited my awkwardness and used to counsel, "Just dress yourself nicely then forget about yourself." Even back then, I thought, But you're graceful all the time. It's easy for you not to think about how you move into a room. It wasn't a resentful thought, just a self-aware one. I do wish to forget about myself more, at least leading up to an event. Truth is, once the actual event is in motion, I give myself over, I'm usually okay then, but I get so caught up beforehand in the whats and ifs and whos. Maybe I need a few more layers of soft cloth to swaddle that brain engine. Or else I'll just stay focused on the pure musical joy of this:

Home sweet home

Scandal finale. Oh Shonda. *smh*

Sister-cousins take on the city


  1. You've so perfectly described the feeling "before important events" when one isn't totally secure in one's appearance or whatever. Perfectly. It almost makes ME feel queasy inside, and I just know that you're going to look and be a beautiful witness to this celebration of your son's achievement.

  2. This feeling....I used to take care of it with a glass of wine...not all that helpful. I'm not all that helpful but I'm sending you warm hugs and love, and look at your beautiful girl!!

  3. I go through this all the time. And recently, with so many events we've had to attend, it's been awful. But let me say that once I get to where I'm going and am looking as fine as I can manage, it's always okay. I end up feeling just fine.
    You and I- we are way too much alike.

  4. I feel the same way. I'm not glad you share so many of my insecurities but I'm so relieved someone else feels the same way. I have a family event next week and I'm already thinking, worrying. In the end, it'll be fine! Enjoy the graduation.

  5. I'm sure you're far more graceful than you give yourself credit for. Your mom's advice is sound, though easier said than done, right?!

  6. I agree that your mom's advice is right on point. Enjoy this moment. It's all going to be just fine.

  7. I think it's a writer thing. We go into situations SO aware of our surroundings, including ourselves, looking a every detail of every person: this one hasn't cut her nails and this one has a crooked tied and this one has a tan where his ring should be, but no ring, etc... that we forget other people don't always see this way and aren't seeing us this way as well. Or maybe this is just me. But I find this is where a lot of my self-conciousness comes from.