There is a situation I can't talk about that has been unfolding over the course of years, and it is making my heart so heavy, and I just need to acknowledge that. It appears that nothing can be done to fix this broken thing, as all parties would need to be willing, and all parties are not, and everyone is righteously sure of the wounds sustained and insufficiently aware of the injuries inflicted—myself included. This morning, I'm thinking a lot about the wisdom of letting things be what they are, and the notion that suffering is often complicated by the belief that we should not suffer, and also the idea that suffering is caused and deepened by our
response to what happens, the way we think about it, rather than the event itself. All this to say, I am trying to live with what is, to really absorb that it is, and to stop courting this crushing sadness by wishing it to be different, when it likely will never be. I have managed in the past to put it out of my mind for long stretches of time, and then it returns, and I can't ever quite shake it, because it hurts the ones I love most, and therefore I cannot be indifferent. I might be having a little trouble with the lessons on suffering right now, but this I have learned: The opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference.
I'm sorry. But you're right- sometimes all we can do is let things be what they are. As hard as that is.
ReplyDelete"...the idea that suffering is caused and deepened by our response to what happens, the way we think about it, rather than the event itself." Yes! Which causes more pain.
ReplyDeleteI needed to read this today. I have a secret crushing sadness and I can't make the players of the drama any different, nor my own response to it all. I just try not think about it when it wakes me at 4:30 in the morning. Sigh.
ReplyDelete"...and I can't ever quite shake it, because it hurts the ones I love most, and therefore I cannot be indifferent."
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for putting into words that which I have been unable to articulate to myself.
I cannot be indifferent. The remaining option is to love in the context of a situation I wish were different and most likely will never be different because of anything I do or say or don't do or don't say.
It is occurring to me that in our response is our responsibility.
I noticed "SAMO" on the beautiful mural and was curious, which led me to this:
http://streetartnyc.org/blog/2018/11/08/magda-love-al-diaz-and-eduardo-kobra-paint-nycs-largest-wall-at-city-as-school-in-the-west-village/
Thank you again for helping Ellamae Simmons tell her story. When I mentioned the book before, I had only begun reading it. I am wholeheartedly recommending Overcome to friends. Your writing is clearly a labor of love, the work of the heart.
I'm so sorry for the pain you are feeling. Hugs, my friend.
ReplyDeleteThat mural is amazing and perfectly suits your post. I wish your loved ones could read this stunningly beautiful synopsis of their situation. You’re in a tough position, as I unfortunately know from experience. When our friends or beloveds are hurting, our hearts are affected as well ~ sigh.
ReplyDeletesorry to hear this but yes there are things out of our control and will always be. letting go of the hope that it will get better is sad but it can also a relief, a weight off of your shoulders.
ReplyDeleteVery sad to read this but you do have all the answers, you wrote it all down here. I realise that knowing this does not make it easier.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you.
This is going to sounds selfish but it's good to know that I am not alone in feeling as you do and perhaps most of the world has these secret sorrows we hide from each other. It's not that I want you to suffer, it's that I know I am not alone. Does that make sense?
ReplyDeleteMy whole life I've never fit in and that still continues so when I find someone whose thinking is so similar to my own, it's comforting. Thank you and I hope it gets better for you.