I wish I could describe what I’m feeling. I don’t quite have the words. The label I suppose is anxiety—fear of what’s waiting in the shadows to disturb your peace, disturbing your peace even before it arrives. You fear its arrival, which may never come, even as you live beneath the suspended sword, looking up, breath caught somewhere in the throat. You thrash and spin against the physicality of your dark thoughts, your worst case scenarios conjured just in case—in case of what? Do you imagine this conjuring will prepare you to weather that which you most fear? All emotion is either born of love or born of fear. Is it love when we fear for the ones we love, hold our breath at the thought of them having to go through life’s portion of pain, even though, as my mother used to say, quoting Longfellow, “into each life some rain must fall.” I worry for my children’s hearts. All of them. The ones I birthed and the ones they brought home to my heart. I worry for them. I don’t fear my own pain. I fear theirs.
Painting by Naomi Takeda
Vulnerability. You love and are loved. Fear is painful. A heavy burden. That is my experience.
ReplyDeleteLove waits forever
For one and for all.
(Bob Dylan)
That extraordinary painting surely came from deep within the painter's experience. I've looked into it for some time now and won't forget it, given that I woke up early this morning in that place, too. Not alone.
I am so sorry. I know. I understand. Struggling this time of year is a horror. Here's my hand.
ReplyDeleteis there some reason, something specific you are afraid the ones you love might encounter? or just general it's a dangerous and unpredictable world out there? some sort of we're too happy, too content? I have no words that might help ease that. not right now.
ReplyDeleteThese struggles are real and we all feel them on occasion. Adult children are living their lives and their choices and experiences hit us hard. We can be there for them and support them the best we can. The love shared and support systems provided hopefully add to their happiness and success. If and when things go tilt - we help to make things right again. As parents, it is an ongoing process. Take care and hold that thought.
ReplyDeleteYes. But how sterile and empty life would be without those for whom we fear. It is worth the pain, surely.
ReplyDeleteSo few times are free of worry, fear and anxiety. I find that leaving the house always helps, monotonously putting one step in front of another. Take care.
ReplyDeleteI understand only a part of what you describe, having never experienced that fear until relatively recently. But from that I have an inkling of the grip these things have and how powerless we can feel. Holding you in my thoughts, my friend.
ReplyDeleteIt is rare that a painting strikes me but this one surely does.
What prompted these worries? Anything specific, or just general anxiety? I mean, your mom is right -- we will all feel pain and hurt. The trick is do our best to make sure the joy exceeds the pain.
ReplyDeleteWishing you peace, Rosemarie.
ReplyDeleteWrapping you in love and light, Rosemarie.
ReplyDeleteI wish I had words that could soothe your anxious heart. Love and fear sometimes go hand in hand. We work our way through it. Please take care there. (NewRobin13)
ReplyDeleteAnxiety is a terrible feeling especially when things are out of your control, and somehow you have to keep moving forward. I hope all is well and your feeling better.
ReplyDelete