Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Reasons why

I am feeling so out of sorts. I wrote a rant of a post yesterday about something at work that had me twisting on the spit and then it turned out to be nothing really, just my propensity to make up stories. Oh, I can make up stories. The thing I don't fully understand is why I always make up stories that incinerate me. It's depressive spiral I'm in today. I am writing it here in the hope of getting it out of myself, like casting out demons, like sending flying into the cool sweet air a silent poisonous ache.

On a more cheerful note, I have become an Instagram junkie. I finally have an up to date iPhone with a crystal camera, and I'm snapping everything everywhere. Spring is so incredibly beautiful to me this year, because I am really looking. I love seeing the ways in which the different filters reveal what's hidden in a snap, peering into the shadows, making colors their most vibrant, softening here, sharpening there, matching the mood you might be in, or helping you find what it was you saw in your mind's eye when you snapped the photo. That's one of the streets bordering where I live in the photo above, the moon just emerging, and me outside at twilight, the way I experience twilight best.

My friend asked me yesterday, "Do you not feel as if you are worth a birthday party?" I denied that to be the case. How pathetic that would be. I told her another truth, I just don't know how to pull it off. How odd, when you think of it, that my daughter wants to be in the hospitality business. My husband said this morning that he was going to call two friends of ours to see if they are free for dinner Friday. My heart leapt in a kind of panic. I wanted to say, no don't. Let's just make it you and me. I didn't. But I still might.

I miss my children. Birthdays are simple when there are kids in the house. You get a cake, light some candles, sing happy birthday, and call it a day. Could all of this just be chemical? Is that the same thing as hormonal? Aging isn't pretty. I'm on my way before work to trim my 94-year-old aunt's hair this morning, catching the window when the home attendant who can lift her moves her to her wheelchair. She's also getting a new hospital bed delivered, one with a mattress that rolls on mechanical puffs of air under her, relieving the pressure of her body against cloth so her skin won't break. She is skin and bone now, knees sharply bent, arms curled into her chest, hands in perpetual fists. Sometimes she knows you're there and uncurls one fist, lifting it toward you. Other time she refuses to let you find her eyes. This might be the real reason for the tears.


  1. Let's face it- you have plenty of reason for tears.
    So go ahead and cry them if you want. It is alright and probably the best thing to do. I think a lot of us have been teary lately, each with our own reasons, all of them valid.
    You deserve the relief of the spill of the tears as much as you deserve a birthday celebration in whatever form you choose.
    Good morning, dear Angella. I love you.

  2. Thinking, thinking, thinking. It's a curse sometimes, I think.

  3. I think that life is a reason for tears -- nor more or less than laughter and warm feelings of joy. Seriously. Go easy on yourself, write like mad, keep taking those beautiful photos, get through. Get through. I love you, Angella.

  4. God I know what you mean about the birthday thing, pls let it be quiet and unattended but for us two is what I always hope.
    I love your photo and how you describe the way you make the camera work for you.

    Happy Birthday soon. You sweet young thing.

    love d

  5. Dear Angella, What a wonderful way of casting out those demons by sending them flying into the air.
    I like that. I love your pictures. Instagram has become my camera of choice too. The picture here captures your mood I think. The dark shadowy edges to stand in and observe the light.
    Have a happy birthday, anyway you choose it. Mine is the 20th and Tearful is a Libra through and through. A monkey and a dragon. We make a good team.

  6. Your writing soothes me in the truths you share with your readers. It's like you are a voice of humanity for me. Thank you for that. Sweet Jo

  7. Yay, a cool new iPhone! Consider this, I did it and think it was totally worth it: http://photojojo.com/university/

    Take a pic of something that makes you cry. Maybe it'll help, for a minute.

  8. this may seem tedious, considering the circumstances, but I've recently gotten into meditating (at least, in my own way). it's just taking time out to clear your mind and concentrate on your breathing. it really stabilizes my mood for the day when i do it at the top of the morning. It's strengthening, even during times when you experience high anxiety.

  9. I love Instagram!!!!!!!

  10. All this is surely just part of adapting to life without your children in the house -- a new way of having a birthday is just one of many adjustments, right? Go easy on yourself. Do whatever you want to do, whatever makes you comfortable. I hope you can hang out with a couple of your friends, at least, but even if it's just dinner with your husband -- well, that's a pretty great birthday too. :)

  11. Yes, my dear. Give yourself some love and know that you are worthy of all of it.

    Birthdays are hard. I feel similar stress about my own, every year. Holidays are hard too. And your life has changed very much in a very short amount of time. No wonder you are feeling unsteady.

  12. And I'd love to follow you on Instagram! I'm Elizabettaa.