House Tour

It's been rainy and gray out all week, and I've had no appointments to call me out of the house, which has been heaven, until today. Today I am starting to feel restless, detecting a touch of cabin fever, swirling thoughts. My children are both away, and it's just my husband and me. The evenings have been unstructured and easy but now I need a change of pace and I doubt my love will want to do anything other than stay in. I get it. He's at work all day, and sometimes has meetings after, so when he gets home, he just wants to roll up the sidewalk behind him.

It's been a good week overall. I have work into the foreseeable future, with contracts that will take me through next February. I could always use more work, of course, assignments in and among the longer term projects, but for now, things are rolling along in a reassuring way and I am building all sorts of new muscles work wise. The key is keeping track of everything and staying on top of what's due when and what it will take to meet that. I like working this way.

But today, my chemistry is a little awry. I have a slight cold and a sense of constriction and unease in my chest, which is how my anxiety shows itself. It's been asleep in me for weeks, but now it seems to be stirring again, and I am trying to stay very conscious, to understand that it is only my thoughts that are creating this unsettled feeling, perhaps fueled by my internal chemistry, and maybe the need for blue sky. Nothing outside of me has changed very much. All that has changed are my thoughts about everything, especially my mother and how fragile she is, and how easy our phone calls used to be and how hard they are now.

I miss my kids of course, the nonstop commotion, their friends coming in and out, my son's bursts of hyperactivity and goofiness, my daughter's quick laugh and keen sense of the absurd, the life they bring to our house. The tidiness of everything is kind of nice. There is no sign of the chaos that reigns when they are in residence.

Exhibit A, my daughter's room last week.

And here is the same view of her room this week.

And this is my son's room at the moment. I would never ever take a photo of what it looks like when he is here. Picture clothes carpeting almost every surface and you get the general idea.

And the hallway. Notice the lack of shoes and bags tumbled against the bookshelves.

The living room, with no socks strewn about, no hoodies and accoutrements of the outdoors tossed on the couches and dining tables.

No boy, fast asleep in front of the television.

The kitchen counters unnaturally clear of dishes and debris.

Yep, it's neat and quiet in here. But who am I kidding. I miss the noise and the chaos. I might even miss the mess.

There's a plan forming to meet up with a friend tonight for dinner. I think we will drink wine.