Feeling very sad about things I cannot control while not handling things I can control very well. My throat feels thick with regret. I made a decision, realized almost immediately it was the wrong one, the inconsiderate and self-defeating one, but now I am stuck with it. It's not anything dire, but it was impolite, a tiny arrow slung to the heart of a longstanding relationship. I am so very sick of being in this body, even though I know I should love it, and myself. It feels like a prison today, like quicksand sucking me under. I should have gone to the fancy tea party my friend is holding this afternoon. But I cancelled. It was just one too many commitments in a string of days confronting a sudden and heart wrenching challenge, being social all the while. "Put on a spring dress," the invitation commanded. I think, for all my other justifications, that might be why I cancelled. I am so weary of myself I couldn't stand to attend to myself enough to make myself presentable. Too late, I realized it was one of those things I should have made myself do. My friend was offended, maybe hurt. Now I am in limbo, harsh self-talk muttering in my brain, tears welling, not just for this, for other things too, the things I cannot control.
Oh honey. I understand. But please- stop beating yourself up. Sometimes we make a decision and we just have to think of ourselves and our place in the universe and realize that it doesn't really matter that much.
ReplyDeleteI love you. You are beloved.
it's best not to sit in these feelings. Talk to your friend, and know that this too shall pass.
ReplyDeleteWeary of yourself? or weary of being tired and sore and putting on a happy face for others? There is a difference. Sometimes it just gets to be too much, and we need some space to recharge. I hope, like Ms Moon, that you choose kindness to yourself. If you need to explain to your friend, I'm betting she will understand. Good friends do.
ReplyDeleteWe don't know each other but I do know this beating yourself up talk because I tend to do it as well. Don't believe everything you think sweetie. What would you say to a small child if they were to tell you this same story? Now say that to yourself because I know it would be kind and gentle.
ReplyDeleteIt is OK to say no. It is! I say go have a nap and rest. Maybe it will help your weariness.
ReplyDeleteI don't even own a spring dress if that makes you feel any better. I wouldn't have gone either. ;-)
I am sure your friend will understand. I know exactly how you feel, I have done the same many times. But sometimes we are just too heavy with grief to kick up our heels. I think this is the true cause of aging. Just the burdens of losses we are called upon to bear. But bear them we will. And you will not always be like this. The time for grieving will pass and a new chapter will begin.
ReplyDelete-invisigal
Take a deep breath,
ReplyDeleteDo nothing
Sleep a while
This is the best advice
A) At first I misread your title as 'Monday Sunday' and was confused B) Once I knew that it was 'Moody Sunday' your picture became so damn perfect and set the mood for your post so well-slam dunk there and my compliments C) My heart welled with my eyes as I read and felt your post. I'm sorry for the weariness and hurt but agree with others about being kind to yourself. We're all doin' the best that we can, and sometimes that's not quite what we'd like to see. Don't I know it.
ReplyDeleteKeep feeding the love.
PS Watched a quick political YouTube video from Bill Maher and a guest's hair had me thinking "freedom hair" all afternoon :)
You know, my dearest friend - my BFF - often does not schedule or cancels getting together for reasons like the one you describe here. Although I am disappointed at times I am never hurt. I always understand and see things from her perspective and know that when the time comes for me to retreat from things she will show me the same compassion. All this to state that your friend should understand where you are coming from and not take it personally. You must take care of yourself before you can take care of others (it's an old saying but it has value). I think you are being too hard on yourself. You need to forgive yourself for being who you are and surround yourself with people who get that. We are out there. xo
ReplyDeleteI bail out of half of my social engagements. Much of the time I feel guilty, but then: if my son told me he was feeling overwhelmed and didn't want to go to a party or a baseball game, I would understand. And I understand the body-prison thing all too well. I don't know you (have been reading, but not commenting) but want to tell you it's okay. 'Should' is a dirty word, I'm coming to believe. It carries with it guilt and shame for (often) simply looking out for ourselves instead of putting our own needs second to the needs of others. Anyway, I love coming here to read your words. They're important. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteHugs to you and your friend...Perhaps in time your friend will understand...Be gentle with yourself.
ReplyDeleteOh Angella, if only you could know how much I truly relate to this exact situation and the negative feelings I have on it's heels. It's comforting for me to read this as it is a rather lonely place to be when you're feeling this way. You are so not alone. I don't even know what to say because when you're in it, you're in it. Afterwards you can think of a lot of things you could have done differently but in that decision-making moment, it just is. You do have to take care of yourself first before you can be there for others. I hear you. I get you.
ReplyDeleteI so much understand this post and am sorry that you're so sad and mad and down on yourself. I hate that we women are so self-punishing despite knowing exactly what we're doing. I hope that you can find comfort in knowing that most of us have done the exact same thing -- again and again --
ReplyDeleteDon't be too hard on yourself. Sometimes you have to listen to the inner voice that says you need private time.
ReplyDeleteToday is a new day, and I hope you have forgiven yourself for yesterday.
ReplyDeleteA big understanding hug to you.
ReplyDeleteA command to put on a Spring dress might push me over the edge, too. I recently didn't go to a disco party for which I would have had to dress up.
I think this is the biggest thing I've had to learn NOT to apologize for. Becoming a mom has helped that. I can blame not going to an event on him =) But maybe I shouldn't. I think it's OK to say "I need to hole up in my house tonight" and your friend will understand. We've all done it. Be kind to yourself xoxo
ReplyDelete