Sunday, March 20, 2016
Feeling very sad about things I cannot control while not handling things I can control very well. My throat feels thick with regret. I made a decision, realized almost immediately it was the wrong one, the inconsiderate and self-defeating one, but now I am stuck with it. It's not anything dire, but it was impolite, a tiny arrow slung to the heart of a longstanding relationship. I am so very sick of being in this body, even though I know I should love it, and myself. It feels like a prison today, like quicksand sucking me under. I should have gone to the fancy tea party my friend is holding this afternoon. But I cancelled. It was just one too many commitments in a string of days confronting a sudden and heart wrenching challenge, being social all the while. "Put on a spring dress," the invitation commanded. I think, for all my other justifications, that might be why I cancelled. I am so weary of myself I couldn't stand to attend to myself enough to make myself presentable. Too late, I realized it was one of those things I should have made myself do. My friend was offended, maybe hurt. Now I am in limbo, harsh self-talk muttering in my brain, tears welling, not just for this, for other things too, the things I cannot control.