Tuesday, February 2, 2021

Just as we are

 

On Tuesday last, this remarkable book by an extraordinary soul arrived in the mail. It was Cicely Tyson's pub day. Two nights later, my friend, who wrote the book with Ms. Tyson, called to say that this legend for the ages lay her head down in her home one last time and slipped away. She looked peaceful, I heard, like she was just taking a nap. I have no doubt the iconic Ms. Tyson was satisfied that her work on this earth was done. My friend spent two years collaborating with her to craft her definitive memoir, the only one she would ever write, and two days after it was out in the world, setting the record of her ninety-six years straight, she was gone. What a race she ran, and with such beauty, elegance, and noble grit. Now she earns her rest, perhaps reunited with the not-ever-easy love of her life, Miles Davis, whose last words before he died, many years ago now, were, "Please tell Cicely I'm so very sorry." Their relationship, their marriage, was a lot, but she forgave him, just as she forgave a world that didn't always see her light. In the end, what mattered most was that she knew she was worthy. And for almost a century, she gifted that worth to the world. What a grace it has been to live at the time she was here with us. Thank you for your life, Ms. Tyson. You made us better.

 *

It snowed all day yesterday and into this morning, piling eighteen inches of snow on the ground. It looks beautiful, but it doesn't alter my mood, which is anxious, maybe depressed, certainly sad, for reasons I choose not to go into here, an estrangement in the family that will not be healed, I see that now, and I am wrestling with the truth that sometimes, you have to just let things be what there are, to release the need to feel heard, understood, to have your side of the story validated, to let what feels like unforgivable emotional gaslighting go unchallenged, because you know how it all went down, and that has to be enough. But while I usually have this decade old story tucked away in a box inside myself, a new communication this week blew that box to smithereens, and had my daughter sobbing, my son angry, my husband sad for them both, but resigned, and me, well, I'm over here picking up the pieces, rebuilding that box so I can tuck what could have been, but will never be, safely inside again, with renewed acceptance, and yes, also love. 

*

Our son just called. He knows the parking lot for our complex is being resurfaced, so for the past month we have been obliged to park our car on the street, wherever my husband can find a spot, hopefully on the right side for alternate side of the street cleaning days. It's a pain for anyone who's had the rare privilege in the city of a permanent parking spot, even if we do pay the equivalent of a small apartment rental to keep it. So this afternoon our son called because it occurred to him that with all the snow, our car was buried and also likely snowploughed in, and we don't own a shovel. "I have an ice spade," my husband said, to which our son replied, "I can tell you right now that's not going to work for digging out your car. You've always had the parking spot, so you don't have any experience with street parking. I'm just calling to let you know I'll be over tomorrow to dig the car out, because I do park on the street, and I do own a shovel." What a considerate, darling, if slightly bossy boy! "Well, son, it seems we did something right with you," I said in gratitude, and we all three burst out laughing. "I have to look out for you old folks," our boy parried, but I have to say, he made us feel so cared for. It hadn’t occurred to either of us to seek his help but there he was, anticipating our need, as usual.


16 comments:

  1. i always had a tremendous crush on Ms. Tyson. i watched as much of her as i could get and loved her thoroughly.
    Your son never ceases to amaze! I did not do such a great job with mine, shoveling snow off of my car would not even cross his mind. You are a blessed family.

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  2. I'm sorry you and your children are so upset, no one can hurt you the way people you care about can. Street parking sounds awful, I'm so glad your son is coming to excavate the car. Shoveling snow can be lethal. My brother and I used to do it when we lived in northern VA, and it almost finished us off every time. Fortunately, it doesn't snow much there.

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  3. As soon as I heard about Cicely Tyson's book earlier this week, I put it on hold at our public library. She has been an inspiring presence for all of my adult life.

    Thank you for writing down your thoughts regarding your painful family estrangement, renewed acceptance and love.

    Such a thoughtful son!

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  4. It really was so touching to hear that Cicely Tyson died two days after her book was published. Such a profound ending.
    Very kind of your son to have a plan to dig out your car. Family love is really such a great thing.
    In my family there is a long-time estrangement, years of miscommunication, misheard stories, issues that will always go without resolution.

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  5. I need to order that book! Indeed you did something right with your son! How thoughtful.
    Xoxo
    Barbara

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  6. Your son sounds like a wonderful young man. When either of my daughters do something caring it makes me proud that I didn't completely screw up as a parent.

    Sadly I don't think the UK know much about Cicely Tyson, just as I'm sure many Americans don't know much about Captain Sir Tom Moore who died yesterday aged 100. Both sad losses.

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  7. For me, Cicely Tyson always embodied pure strength of character and nobility. May she rest in peace.

    As for your heartache, it sounds all too familiar. Your words could have been my words. I had to let things go. It has been almost 25 years now since a seismic rent in familial relations, but cutting ties was the best thing I could do. The poison was simply not going to go away. My children, like yours, suffered, too. Crushing at the time, but I don't regret my decision to walk away. May you find peace in letting go. Not painless. Not simple. But necessary.

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  8. I don't even know what to say. Having to go through such family sorrow and disappointment NOW? I mean...no. That's horrible. It's as if the snowstorm was a manifestation of your family tumult.
    But. There's your son, taking care of you in his own love language. This is the family that matters.
    I remember seeing Cicely in A Woman Called Moses so long ago and being amazed at how she took that role on when her own persona always seemed so elegant, so absolutely everything that a beautiful, sophisticated woman should be. A master of her craft, obviously, but so much more. I will want to read her story, I am sure.

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  9. I have always been a Tyson admirer and look forward to getting the book. As for the family fracture, yes, it hurts a lot. I have a Facebook friend whose mantra is "Be Nice", just that. If only, eh?
    We have a daughter like your son. Makes the struggle over diapers and vitamins and the trips to the emergency department worth while.

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  10. I didn't realize Cicely Tyson published a book just before she died. I love that cover photo! Bravo to your son for being bossy. And I'm sorry about the other thing...all families have these situations, I suppose.

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  11. I just put a library hold on that book so I will get to read it soon, I hope. I have always admired Cicely Tyson and her work.
    Sorry about your family trouble but thank goodness your son shows up to help with the snow right when you need some family love. Good man!

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  12. so sorry to hear about the estrangement. those things can be very painful. best to release what cannot be mended. it's hard I know but it takes two to build a bridge.

    such a good son.

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  13. I love this story of your boy and how he cares for you two. It's so beautiful. I'm sorry about the estrangement -- families are heavy, heavy, heavy.

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  14. Your son. I've been reluctant to comment only because I feel like I am intruding on a private families inner circle. Thanks for including me with your blog, I really enjoy reading it.
    I like to watch the fire emergency calls on YouTube, mostly from New York. I like to watch how the department is able to put out a fire in a particular apartment while the light stay on in others, same building. And the men are too busy doing their job than to post for the camera. Have I seen your son at work? Maybe, but you could never prove it by me.
    But I do have a question for him, sometime when you are chatting, I have noticed that firemen from New York often have a wedge of wood tucked into their helmets. Some more than one. What's that about?
    Brave, hard working men, the lot of them. I worry, too few are wearing masks. Thank them all for me.

    Tom

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    1. Tom, thanks for the good thoughts winging their way to our city's firefighters. As for the wooden wedge, I've heard that it's to prop doors open, such as lobby doors in high rise buildings so paramedics and other emergency personnel can get in. Where are you located and how did you get interested in fire videos? I do think firefighters are modern heroes. I pray for them all.

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    2. Dimi and I live in Texas, north of Dallas. As to firefighting videos, I stumbled across a video of a rural fire department trying to put the fire out in a barn, turned out to be a total loss. No idea where that was located. I got hooked.
      I so hate programs produced of contrived drama. But I love the real drama as long as real people aren't being hurt. Watching those rural firefighters control that barn fire and keep it off the main house was real drama. Finally, way out there in the middle of nowhere, a water truck showed up and things got different. They did save the house.
      For a short time I lived in a couple of different places in Europe. Always in multi-story apartment buildings. I never thought of fire. Having seen the men in New York work like they do and seeing some of those fires bursting out those windows, I have a very different idea about ever living in that kind of environment again.
      Have a great day and thanks again for sharing your blog with us. And thanks for the info about the wooden wedges, that makes perfect sense.

      Tom

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