In case you think I'm speaking in hyperbole, there I am, with my brother and our baby cousin back in the day. This rotund image of myself has never left me, even in my twenties, when, according to photos from that time, I appeared to be "normal" sized. Then I had my kids and ballooned up again, and bless my darling husband, he never seemed fazed by any of it, he always just saw me. Now I am trying to make peace with another difficult self-conception, my aging face and penguin like gait—it's all kicking up afresh for me because in two weeks I will fly to Los Angeles to begin interviews for my next book. My subject is a young woman in her thirties, in peak physical condition, born that way really, with the speed and power of an elite athlete, and yet she chose me to be her collaborator. I need to remind myself of that. She didn't choose me based on my physical appearance, disagreeable as I seem to find it. She chose me based on an indefinable rapport we were able to tap into when we met over Zoom, based on an instinct that we could work together with mutual trust, that she could feel safe baring her heart and I would hold it gently, carefully, and I will. So why am I so very focused on the showing up aspect of my upcoming trip, the moment I walk in and imagine her thinking how fat I am, how old, how ungainly in movement, and her wondering if she made the right choice after all. Oh, I know this is supremely silly and self-absorbed of me. Besides, we have a contract, so she'll have to persevere through that moment, and I know we will get past it to do the work, and maybe after a while, like my husband, she will only see me. I need to remember that there is true human connection beyond the physical self, and may my new subject and I find the grace of that on this journey we are about to embark on together.
It's rare I think that many women of our generation like their bodies. For me I was too tall and skinny, with almost no boobs. Took me years to appreciate my body and then I got the menopause:) We are what we are. I had Bell's palsy when I was 21 which left me with a crooked face, and is the reason I hate photos of myself so much.
ReplyDeleteYou are a beautiful woman and yes, you are plump, I don't like the word fat because it always seems rude. You walk funny because you have hip problems. I yell everytime I stand up and sit down now because my left knee is so fucking sore, so that's attractive. When I say yell, I really mean swear, but I'm sure you knew that.
So you're going to LA where even Kate Winslet, arguably a beautiful woman, did not feel comfortable in her own body. That's probably a part of it. Are you going to meet up with Elizabeth? I hope so. As for people in LA judging you, put a fuck off face on, usually does the trick.
Pixie, I love this comment so much. My fuck off face, yes!.
DeleteI've been thinking lately so much about this subject and one of the things that keeps popping into my head is how even when I was most assuredly on the thinner side due to disordered eating with every bite of food I ate judged by me and very rigorous exercise, I cannot ever once remember feeling thin enough. My clothes always seemed too tight even when they weren't. I have never in my life had an accurate vision of my physical body. And now that I am seventy and cannot bear to cut all the deliciousness out of life and I also cannot exercise the way I could nor do I want to, I have come nowhere near close to accepting myself the way I am.
ReplyDeleteYou and I. Sisters.
I love you. And so will your new subject.
Trying to make peace with one's image of one's physical self is a lifelong challenge for some of us. That is a peace I know is possible. I feel it now and then. I'm sure that grace plays a major role in finding that peace. I love that photo of you as a young child. As always, I look forward to your next collaboration and appreciate the way you share your creative process here. As of today, I'm #6 in line for one of the 5 copies our public library has of Lovely one. Any day now, I'll be reading it.
ReplyDelete