Saturday, July 26, 2014

Fear and all its unruly children are just mental constructs

You know how they say all emotions are either born of love or born of fear? By that reasoning, the anxiety I'm feeling this morning is fear-based, though I'm not really clear what it is I fear on this bright, balmy Saturday. Essentially nothing is different today than it was yesterday, though I miss my husband and son, who have gone ahead to Antigua where the funeral arrangements for my husband's father are proceeding. My husband and his brother sat with my son on a beach the first evening, the three of them sipping beers and watching the sunset and reminiscing about their father and grandfather. There were so many good stories and warm laughs. It made me happy to think of my son with his father and uncle, the three of them on a beach as night slipped in, toasting the one who gave them life and was their best example of what it means to be a good and loving man.

Someone I profiled for a magazine sent me flowers this week. She was really happy about the story. I opened my door one morning and there it was, a long box with a cobalt blue mason jar vase that I just love, and unopened buds inside. I've been photographing them daily because I am alone in the house, and it is unnaturally tidy and quiet, because the news of the world blaring from the TV was giving me a stomach ache so I turned it off and am burying my sorry heart in the sand and all the while the flowers on the table are unfolding with vibrant color and life, so we are having a conversation, at least until tomorrow when my girl arrives and the world will right itself and my emotions will be love-based, and we will fly to Antigua to join the men and the rest of the family under a cobalt blue beach sky.






9 comments:

  1. How wonderful to be given flowers...You are fortunate to be good at your chosen profession and more so to be the type of individual who inspires kindness and gratitude in others. Safe travels.

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  2. I do love those colorful Mason jars. I haven't seen the blue ones yet but I have 12 green ones for when my son brings me peaches from his orchard and I will can them up for the bad days of winter. It all washes over us like waves all the time doesn't it? Just like that.

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  3. I think of my husband and how dear and good and kind and wise his father was and how glad I am that upon meeting him, I saw that the fruit did not fall far from the tree and that this was even more reason to love this man who was courting me. I think of how he has had so much influence on our children and now his grandsons. I am flat out stoned grateful for that as I know you are for your husband's father and all he gave and will continue to give as long as his descendants are here.
    And grateful for those pictures of the blue flag iris in the blue Mason jar in your beautiful dining room. I recently bought a box of those Mason jars because I use them to drink out of and they make me happy every day. I am looking at one now, right here on my porch.
    You ARE beloved, you know. You are my sister in anxiety and in love. And in knowing what is important and what is not. I feel so lucky to know you, to be able to come here and touch hearts.

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  4. The photo essay managed to be so moving! I am sorry for your sad heart. I think it's good for it to be buried away and protected right now. Definitely keep the news off during times of grief. It's too much.

    I will be happy when you are with the rest of the family under the blue sky. I know it is hard to be alone in grief.

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  5. i love that you are attending to those beautiful irises, watching them open slowly, slowly, bearing witness to the passage of time in a microcosm, a manageable microcosm. love to you, friend. how nice that you and your daughter will travel together. i wish for you both a peaceful & safe journey.

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  6. Yes, there is such deep stillness and quiet in these photos -- perhaps in spite of or despite the turbulence in your life. Safe travels to you and your daughter, dear Angella.

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  7. I haven't heard that about emotions being love- or fear-based. That's an interesting idea! I'm sure your daughter is there by now and your plans are proceeding apace. Have a good flight (as good as you can for such a sad occasion) -- the flowers are glorious!

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  8. Oh dear one…Please send your husband and the rest of your family my deepest condolences as you embark on this difficult, bittersweet journey of saying good-bye. I believe that this is one of my deepest fears about getting older…The longer we live, the more that we will have to get used to the good-byes. It's one of the things that my 91 year old grandma used to talk about as she got older. And yet, would we change any of it? Would we give up all of the beauty and wonder and joy of life in order to not experience the good-byes? Certainly not. As I sit here writing to you right now, once again I am awed and amused by the fact that you and I share so many similar emotions at such similar times. At this moment in time, I am physically racked with fear and I'm not exactly sure why. I am trying to focus on the love, but sometimes, our bodies feel differently about what it is that we should be focusing on!

    Thank you SO MUCH for sticking with me and being there when I come out of my self-imposed silences. You have no idea how often I think about you and even mention you to my husband. You are an old friend to my heart and I just know that we will remain forever connected even though we have never physically met. We are soul-sisters…

    Those Blue Iris' are absolutely stunning! What a perfect way to say "thank you" to someone!!! I pray that your travels will be safe and that God surrounds your husband and family with many, many angels who will blanket you all in love and support during this difficult time. You are all in my heart...

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  9. Popping in to tell you that I read your book in one sitting, on the beach yesterday. I really, really loved it--I can't wait to read more of your writing.

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