Thursday, September 8, 2016


"Kathy, I'm lost," I said, though I knew she was sleeping.
"I'm empty and aching and I don't know why."
Counting the cars on the New Jersey Turnpike
They've all come to look for America, all come 
To look for America, all come to look for America.

From "America" by Simone and Garfunkel


I am alone in the house, brooding. I could rant about Donald Trump, about how insane it is that he is this close to the presidency, though I have to believe the Hillary Clinton will clean his clock in November. Nothing else makes sense to me, but then it makes no sense to me now that he is even the Republican nominee. How did that happen? How did this hateful man, this empty suit, this man completely devoid of human decency and compassion, this psychopathic attention hound with no sense of proportion or consequence, get to this place? This man who says rape is "to be expected" if women are in the armed forces. This man who says that the Russian leader, who has murdered journalists and his own comrades, is a superior leader to our own President Obama. This man who says he could stand on Fifth Avenue and shoot someone and he wouldn't lose any votes. I could go on and on. But what's the point? This is where we are in America right now, and the implications are shattering.

I'm so lonely. Honestly, it feels like a cosmic loneliness, something deep and sorrowing and untouchable, and I wonder sometimes if I am just absorbing all the painful, fearful energies swirling around us right now. When I look at Trump, I feel as if I am staring into the abyss, he makes me believe in the devil incarnate, walking among us right here on earth. Heaven and hell are right here in our midst. We are creating one or the other every second that we breathe, every thought that we allow to build a nest in our heads, every action we take. Trump tempts me to believe that hell is winning, but then I look at the Obamas, and at the deeply good people in every direction, and I have to pull myself back from the brink of the abyss, and remind myself that we will wake from the long nightmare only if we can love each other hard enough, and with enough faith in our ability to create a bright heaven from the shards of this bleating hell. 

I am heartsick if you want to know the truth. I'm empty and aching and counting cars. Trying to make it through to the next moment, and then the next, and to believe in the good.


  1. I think we are all as baffled and confused and lost and empty and aching as we can be. It's just absolutely terrifying that this man is the Republican candidate for the presidency. And as you say- the implications are shattering. Because what this says about our fellow citizens is too horrible to contemplate.
    You're not alone, dear friend. You are not. As always, here I am, holding your hand. Feel it? I hope so. Hang on. Loving you so much.

  2. I'm praying for you all in America. I'm praying that rational thinking will prevail!! There are enough problems in this world and we sure as Hell don't need more.

    Yvonne. ( Irish Celt)

  3. No, you are not alone. Such apt lyrics to describe the feeling, one of my favorite Simon and Garfunkel songs.

  4. On bad days that is what I've hung onto as well - that there are more good people and good deeds in the world than bad ones. We don't hear about them as much, but they are there. However, it's truly scary what's been going on, and I don't feel as sure about all the good in the world lately. Let's hope some of his talk is just windbaggery and he becomes more sensible if he actually gets to a position of power.

    This is not helping, is it ...

  5. I'm in that life raft with you, Angella. When I feel particularly far from shore, songs like this one help me:

  6. This is only one man riding his ugly wave. I refuse to believe that this is the shape of things to come, that this is what the majority feels.
    While we don't have a European Trump - yet - we have a resurgence of the mean spirited sense of entitlement. And I have to stop myself from looking down on it with disgust the way my mother would have done. I don't know how to react.

  7. I love that song! The good will prevail. I really believe that.

  8. I am baffled and also despair. Have we really come this far only to realize we have not evolved barely a sliver. Racism, sexism, fear mongering and spewing hatred. Sadness and grief for the optimism I felt just a few short years ago.

    That being said, I also hold on to the thought that when it comes down to it, reasoned thinking will rule on November 8th.

  9. I know. It hurts my head and my soul. This morning a client was watching the news and two awful stories came on, one after the other. I felt panic and have been anxious ever since. I just want to go home. I woke up feeling okay this morning. Now I feel like there is broken glass in my brain and my soul. It's too much.
    Sorry to add to your troubles. I think speaking and sharing helps some. To know you aren't alone.

  10. You are a big soul with a vast heart. That will save you, I imagine. Thank you for sharing your deepest fears and heartache here -- it's good to know that I'm not alone in the oft-despair I feel.