I'm feeling unsettled because I asked someone I love to do something, a small thing, and to be honest I was a little irritated that I had to ask this thing that should have already been done, but now that person is probably feeling irritated with me (I don't even know this for sure), and that unsettles me, because I have no tolerance for people I love being annoyed with me. I turn it into a huge thing in my mind, and I can think of nothing else, and I want to pour oil on ruffled water, even when I know I wasn't being unreasonable. This probably makes no sense at all. I'm just trying to set it down here so I don't keep worrying the situation.
Last Saturday night, when my daughter was out with friends in the city in the wee hours after midnight, I was texting her obsessively because she wasn't responding, and I knew she would at some point be traveling home alone, and my imagination was going haywire because why hadn't she responded to a single one of my texts? She told me the next day, "Mom, I'm not stupid. I can take care of myself and assess my surroundings. And I had texted you just an hour before. There was no reason to think anything was wrong. So the next time you're in a panic about my safety for no good reason, I really need you to manage your anxieties and not make me responsible for them. Because I'm managing enough anxiety of my own."
Well, okay then! But I got what she was saying and rather admired her forthrightness in expressing herself. I hate that I gave her a brain that is as noisy as mine, though. It's hard for a noisy brain to handle randomized fear decorously. I am glad sometimes (only sometimes) that when things get complicated my husband seems able to shut down his thoughts and not pick at an uncontrollable, unresolvable, and sometimes very minor thing until it becomes all consuming and heart stopping.
My loved one just texted me and isn't irritated at all: "lolol," she said, "love you."
Here's a photo circa 1997 that gentles me right down.