Thursday, September 29, 2016

Noisy brain syndrome, part whatever

I'm feeling unsettled because I asked someone I love to do something, a small thing, and to be honest I was a little irritated that I had to ask this thing that should have already been done, but now that person is probably feeling irritated with me (I don't even know this for sure), and that unsettles me, because I have no tolerance for people I love being annoyed with me. I turn it into a huge thing in my mind, and I can think of nothing else, and I want to pour oil on ruffled water, even when I know I wasn't being unreasonable. This probably makes no sense at all. I'm just trying to set it down here so I don't keep worrying the situation.

Last Saturday night, when my daughter was out with friends in the city in the wee hours after midnight, I was texting her obsessively because she wasn't responding, and I knew she would at some point be traveling home alone, and my imagination was going haywire because why hadn't she responded to a single one of my texts? She told me the next day, "Mom, I'm not stupid. I can take care of myself and assess my surroundings. And I had texted you just an hour before. There was no reason to think anything was wrong. So the next time you're in a panic about my safety for no good reason, I really need you to manage your anxieties and not make me responsible for them. Because I'm managing enough anxiety of my own."

Well, okay then! But I got what she was saying and rather admired her forthrightness in expressing herself. I hate that I gave her a brain that is as noisy as mine, though. It's hard for a noisy brain to handle randomized fear decorously. I am glad sometimes (only sometimes) that when things get complicated my husband seems able to shut down his thoughts and not pick at an uncontrollable, unresolvable, and sometimes very minor thing until it becomes all consuming and heart stopping.

My loved one just texted me and isn't irritated at all: "lolol," she said, "love you."

Here's a photo circa 1997 that gentles me right down.


  1. The other day we were talking about how in our family, if someone seems a bit quiet or off, we immediately think we've done something to piss them off. Jessie said, "If I don't giggle every five seconds, you think there's something wrong."
    We laughed. Ruefully.

  2. Been there, done that. And what is worse, I still do it: when my 33yr old daughter (who travels the globe and works in far away places) was back here this summer and went out for the odd night, I could not sleep until I heard her key in the door in the early hours. It's a curse, I swear.

  3. I'm all kinds of identifying with you ... our son used to drive home in the early hours of the morning after visiting us, on snowy roads with deer in abundance ... at first he'd email me when he got home. After awhile, he told me he wasn't going to do that anymore. If something happened, we would know soon enough. And I realized, yes, he is a man. I would not expect my husband to email or call HIS mother to let her know he was okay. Hah. It's hard, though. Male or female, it's hard.

  4. No wonder that portrait of love and security gentles you down!

  5. You and I are very similar. Also I always ponder about how others think about me. And yes, to know my daughter might be around alone in the evening (she's not old enough yet to speak about night) causes me panic, too. Are they old enough to know about all the evil in the world, they rose so protected. Good, we (you and me) have a powerful and cool man at our side.

  6. Bless your heart, I think the super busy mom brain is a blessing and a curse. Kept them safe when they were little, drives them and us crazy now that they are older. We read too much news, which causes too much worry and focus on the awful things that happen everywhere everyday. If one of mine is out in the car and I hear a siren, my brain will obsess until I hear them come home or they text me. But my kids are training me to give them some space and not freak out so much, by doing little things like turning off read receipt, or letting phone batteries run low, or taking a connectivity break. They have become social media ghosts which is also hard for me, but I'm trying to adapt :)
    Isn't it the worst having to ask for something? I'm terrible at it, and always feel guilty and/or pissed. It's not in my skill set. Old baggage, I suppose.
    I'm trying to be as chill as my man and my kids, but it's a long journey.
    Also, those cosmos in your header photo! Love, love. xo