Several of us gathered in her room for holy communion on her 93rd birthday last Saturday, as she wished. I am so very sad, but I feel as if I have no place to put this sorrow, because the world goes on and no one wallows, and what I want to do is wallow and beat my chest and weep and admit that I am terrified to be without my mother, but how can I truly ask her to stay here with me, with all of us when she is in such agony all the time, or at least that is how it looks to me and it shreds my heart to see her suffer like this. I imagine it is awful to have never had the mother you might have wished for but when you have had the kind of mother I have had, a wondrous mother and grandmother, there is this reckoning, and we are there. Everything inside me feels broken and how selfish I am, thinking of my pain. What I wish more than anything is to take away hers.